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Dr Ted Manos
Dr Ted Manos, Doctor (MD)
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Self employed 40 years experience Ob-Gyn
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I am in love with a ghost of the past. That I am pretty

Customer Question

I am in love with a ghost of the past. That I am pretty sure, does not love me the same as I do her. I met her when I was 15. We dated 16-18. I loved her. more than I could love any living, nonliving thing. And I knew that if I ever lost her, I would never feel that way again. Being around her was possibly the greatest feeling I had ever felt. I am obsessed with the feeling. I have tried moving on. Dating. not dating. therapy. flinging. or attempting to love somebody else. But I always leave them, because I cannot stop thinking of this girl. I have thought about this girl every minute of my life since I met her. (not an exaggeration) I am now 21. She plaques my dreams and all thought processes. It is obsessive. I know. But it doesn't change the fact. I LOVE HER. I want her. I have not seen her face to face since I was 18. I talked to her on social media a few times between then. Once for her apologizing about how she ended our relationship. Then once for me apologizing that I didn't take it well. Then last time was about me saying hi. Because I had just ended my long term relationship with my ex because I could not stop thinking about this girl. I want her. I want her one day. I keep going with my life, changing things and making myself better. But I am doing it not so I can be a better person. But I do it because I want her to love me. I want to bring her back. This is outrageous. but that is the thought process I deal with on a daily basis. I don't even know what I'm asking. I know I will never get over her. And I know that any relationship I have I would abandon it for her at the drop of a hat. How do I tell her I am this way. How do I tell her I will never stop loving her. And that I will wait for her. And not sound crazy as shit and scare her. I just want her.
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 11 months ago.

Good morning, Dylan and thank you so much for your question. I realize it's difficult to reach out for help. Please know I honor your courage.

My name is ***** ***** I am a psychotherapist in the Metro-Boston area.

I'm reading over your post and will circle right back with an answer for you. Please be patient as I will be right with you.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 11 months ago.

Ohhhhh sweet soul, I completely understand the pain of your obsession. I can personally relate as I have been in this situation as well. It's absolutely torturous and makes it so challenging to engage with others within this context.

I sadly believe your feelings are not about this particular woman--as strange as that sounds. This particular woman is simply the source of your obsession. Please know I have no doubt that she is lovely in every way and I imagine the years you spent together were wonderful and almost magical at times. But this, friend, exactly why the obsession exists--it's a way for you to escape the present and find yourself back in a simpler time in your life--a time when you didn't have the same level of responsibility, a time when you were perhaps more carefree and happy.

This is truly a part of your obsessive thought patterns associated with an anxiety disorder. For me, it took a very long time to get beyond the thoughts as I kept focusing on the individual and not the source of problem--the obsessive thoughts and anxiety. When I finally figured all of this out, I was instantly transported into a better place. For me, it required medication for awhile--something I didn't want to do but desperately needed to quiet my mind.

Does this help/make sense? I know it's a lot to take in.

Therapist Leslie

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I understand it is an unhealthy obssession. But it doesn't change the fact that i want her more than anything i could ever want. And i know there is a chance. I want to secure my chance. I want to tell her how i feel. Medication didn't help this. Ive been on it for years. Constantly adjusting it and changing. I still think of her on a 30-60 second basis. What is life if i can't go and reach for the things i want in life. If i dont tell her i will regret it till the day i die. If i dont try i will regret it. I would have failed myself to not put myself out for my real desires. But instead medicate myself even more to quiet my mind.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 11 months ago.

Thank you so much for your response. I know you haven't seen her since you were 18...are the two of you in a similar geographic location? Have you asked if you could call her? I'm sure she has grown/changed in certain ways (as have you) since the time you were together. What if she is not the woman you imagined? Do you think this would quiet the thoughts?

Could you let her know she is on your mind often and you would love to spend some time talking and catching up? Do you think she would be open to that?

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I don't think so. The way things ended.. The way things were. She told me that i was perfect for her in every way. But she lost feelings for me. This is particularly difficult because she is not the type to settle. I made her settle for alnost 4 years. But she couldnt do it. I made this online post for help. With not much help but. Maybe with the full background you can help.
Expert:  Therapist Leslie replied 11 months ago.

Good afternoon, Dylan.

I am very sorry I have been unhelpful to you. I am going to open up your question to other therapists and see if they can assist you further.

I wish you all the best.

Warm regards,

Therapist Leslie

Expert:  Dr Ted Manos replied 11 months ago.
Hello, I'm Dr Manos, M.D., board certified ObGyn. I have had postgraduate studies in the way we are being in our lives. I'm going to share some information that could help so I'll be back in a few putting things in perspective.
Expert:  Dr Ted Manos replied 11 months ago.
Although you are only 21 yrs old your experience is real and your anxiety saps your energy. I had a similar relationship but I worried she would eventually dump me. I was vulnerable and not comfortable and to make this short I went back with an ex and got married. I would see her at work and couldn't tell her I was engaged. I had told her I loved her so that would be stupid. She eventually found out and I had a choice to follow my heart or my mind. I married the ex and that was the smart thing to do. That was 50 yrs ago and I have lived with the regret ever since. I concluded that I should have followed my heart and risk being dumped. I think that being dumped would have been better this wondering all these years. I divorced after 35 yrs and remarried with my second wife of 15 years. I rarely if ever think about the other woman. You need to let the woman you love know what where you are at and accept the verdict. I always thought getting dumped was better than dumping myself. One way or another, the more you tell others about your story the more it stays alive. Maybe you can come up with a 20 minute version until it makes you nauseated. Life is like a game let's say baseball and the victories are good but you never let go of the losses. The same with our stories. They never will fade away. Find out for sure where she stands and be strong. Don't plead for your life just get complete with it. Don't spend a lot of time reliving the drama because before long it's a lifetime. I hope this helps and we are not the only ones with these burdens to bear.