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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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After many failed relationships, and not meeting someone

Customer Question

After many failed relationships, and not meeting someone that really got me excited about being in a relationship, I finally met someone who I think is everything that I've been looking for. We went on the most awesome first date. We had an instant connection, had great conversation, had so much in common, not to mention I was very attracted to him. I left that night on such a high. We met back up a few days later, and ended up being intimate. For the first time in a long time, I enjoyed intimacy. He was very compatible with my views on how it should be in the bedroom. I love being with him, and he seems to love being around me. Granted, I know we jumped the gun on sleeping together, but it just felt right. And, he assured me that he would not be like every other guy and that it truly meant something to him. I heard from him the next day (briefly), but did not for three days after that. After I sent him a text claiming my confusion and disappointment that I had not heard from him, he finally responded that he was going through some issues with his kid and that she came first before anyone or anything. I completely agree, being a single mom of two kids myself. I told him that I was sorry, and that I would be here when things settled down. My question is, should I keep chasing him. I don't want to lose him out of my life because there was such a strong connection. But, I also don't want to push him away by going after what I want. I feel like he would be flattered by my drive to win him over, but I don't want it to backfire on me. Do I sit and wait or go for it? They say women are hard to figure out, but men are so complicated. Please help!!!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don't feel like what he's telling me is a cop out, but I have had the wool pulled over my eyes before. Something tells me that this is a guy that I don't want to let go, and I have not felt that before.
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.

Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for your question, I'm happy to help you today. I can understand your enthusiasm and desire to be with this man, who, based on what you've said here, does seem to potentially be the person you've been looking for. And I know how tempting it can be to want to rush head over heels into a relationship when you feel that spark of connection. However, I would caution you to not jump into things too fast or I fear you might inadvertently push him away, which is of course what you don't want. To answer your question, I would not advise chasing him -- he obviously is interested but he also has other things on his plate at the moment, and if you start chasing him, he could feel like you're pushing him too quickly when he might not be 100% ready. I do think he would be flattered, at least initially, but I do think a lot of men enjoy the opportunity to do the chasing themselves. To use a cliche, distance makes the heart grow fonder, and he'll likely to be more interested in you if you are not so available and if you respect his boundaries. You ultimately have to do what makes you feel most comfortable, so if you want to pursue him then you should take the chance and see what happens. But my gut feeling is that he's letting you know that he's interested but he needs to take things a bit slower -- so I would let him set the pace in the beginning, even if that means you can't get what you want right away -- I think it will be worth the wait in the long run, if the connection between you was really as strong as it sounds. I wish you all the best.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
would sending him a card letting him know I was here for him be considered chasing? Or an act of desperation? I just want him to know that I am here for him in whatever capacity he needs, but I don't want to give off a crazy stalker vibe. With every other person that has brushed me off like this, I have walked away, no problem. Something is telling me not to let this one go so easy. But, I do have a tendency to go over the top when I get my mind set on something.
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.

I don't think there's any harm in sending a card -- I don't think "not chasing" necessarily means no contact, it just means being more subtle, in my opinion. Sometimes, I see people in situations such as yours and they are convinced that they have to paint a very clear picture to the other person in order for them to understand that they are interested, if you know what I mean, and I think that can be dangerous (even though well-intentioned) if the other person is asking for space or time or giving the hint that they want to take things slow. I think the signs are good in your case because he is interested, as far as I can tell, but he might be scared off by the intensity of the connection, for example, that you described earlier, and of course things can be more complicated when children are involved, so maybe he just wants to be sure and take his time. (I have to be fair and say perhaps he's not interested at all, because we obviously can't read his mind, but I'm really not getting that feeling in my gut when I read what you've written.) I don't think sending a card would be so harmful and I don't think he would see it as an act of desperation if he really is as great as you describe. Stalker-like behavior would be if you were to call him every day and send him texts every hour or drive over to his house uninvited - I don't think there's a danger of you doing that because you're very aware of yourself and how you might come across (otherwise, you wouldn't have asked your question here :)) Just keep cool and don't push too much -- send the card if it makes you feel more comfortable -- but then give him time to reply and reach out. Just make one move at a time and try to relax and let things take their natural course. I know that's not easy but it's what I would advise if you don't want to push him away and want to keep him interested. Best wishes!

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.

Hello, I'm just checking in to see if you have any additional questions. If so, please let me know. If not, would you kindly leave a rating? Thanks very much.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Well, I finally got an apology last night for the way he had been acting. He said he had been stressed the f**k out. I told him that I completely understood when it comes to kids being the top priority. I left it at I would be here in whatever capacity he needed. I told him to take care of business, and that I was still here when he was ready. I got no response to that, but I feel like I left it at a good place. Now, I just lie and wait.
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.

I think it went as good as can be expected, given the circumstances. It's good that he reached out and apologized. And you did what you can -- you were supportive but not pushy, so I think you handled it well. I know it's difficult to take things slow when you want to go full speed ahead but I do think that things can work out well between you two if you can just be a bit patient -- and if you're OK with that. Obviously, you don't have to wait around for him if you don't want to but it seems like you think it could be worth it, so just see what happens. I think he's interested but he's just dealing with some things right now and he needs to take it at his own pace for the time being. I wish you all the best.