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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3433
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My husband left me and is now having lots of contact with an

Customer Question

My husband left me and is now having lots of contact with an ex that I feel he never got closure. But he is still texting me and calling me to come over and we occasionally go out to dinner. He tells me that he loves me because I gave him a child and the sex is amazing between us and that no one will ever be able to top that but that he doesn't want that to be the only two reasons we are together. He also says that he doesn't mind spending time with me but more times than not all I do is ask questions and talk too much about what's going on between us and it's irritating to him. How do I turn his attention to me and only me so that I don't lose my husband and our family?
Submitted: 11 months ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

I am sorry to hear of this roller coaster he has you on. You are very loving and are very available to him so he can be in touch with an ex and also have you at his disposal when it works for him. I am not suggesting playing any games but right now it is very easy for him so he doesn't have to turn all his attention on you and promise forever because you are right there when he asks. I would let him know how you love him, what you desire and ask what he wants at the end of all this. He keeps getting irritated because he sounds like he just wants it easy and his way.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

I am here to discuss when you come online.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

How else can I support you?

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
Everyone is telling me to ignore him and stop talking to him completely. But I'm too scared to do that and I feel like that will make things so much worse with us. I've been being nice and we just went to dinner together tonight with our son and walked around afterwards. I've been seeing a therapist about making myself a better person and trying to work on how I react when I get angry and I've been trying to be movie to him and restablish our friendship. Is that the best thing to do right now?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

I feel the same as my response yesterday. You are contorting yourself for him and he takes advantage when it suits him. You already are a good person and it saddens me to hear that you don't feel that based on this dynamic with him. He doesn't have much of a reason to fight for you, miss you or truly commit to you if you are always available.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I should leave him alone?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

I know how scary it must feel to think of doing so and only you can decide that but I just don't see things changing if you are always there when he asks you to jump. What does your therapist feel?

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
That he's a narsasist and if I take that away from him what I think of him that it will make him react someway but she can't say how
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

so she thinks you should keep doing as you are so not to anger him? I got confused by what you wrote above.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
She thinks that I need to cut him off completely. I do want to at least try but the last time I did my anxiety was almost crippling I don't know how to cope without having some contact with him. He was my best friend for a long time before we started dating and I miss that the most. I also feel bad for turning my back on him right now because his mom is in the hospital and he's very close to her and she isn't doing well at all and he's having a hard time with that.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

So sad to hear how you have given yourself over to him completely. I wish you could see your worth and your strength so that you could move away from this toxic dynamic.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
How do I cope with cutting him off when I do?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

If you are not ready and your anxiety is so high then I suggest working more with your therapist....the last thing we want is for you to have tremendous difficulties. Work with her on all of this so that if the time comes and you make that choice, you are safe and strong enough to do so. It is nobody's time table but your own...focus on you now and work in therapy to gain the insight and support and strength for yourself.

Customer: replied 11 months ago.
I just want him to be able to see that I am the better person for him. When they were together she was unfaithful many many many times and never with the same man. They lied to each other and never tried building a life together. We share so many common interests and have always been faithful to each other until we separated and he started talking to her, we supported each other in our racing and made a family and a life together. I just don't understand why he doesn't value that over someone he didn't get closure with 6 years ago.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 11 months ago.

your focus on him only doesn't serve you. Work with your therapist to understand yourself and why you are not able to function without him.

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