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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7627
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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My girlfriend thinks I've checked out other girls while in

Customer Question

Hi Pearl, my girlfriend thinks I've checked out other girls while in her presence, including her friend, as well as a woman in an ad at the bottom of movie we were streaming online. She has convinced herself and is SO sure that I did, and is calling me a liar for denying it.
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: I've tried to make it clear that I care about the ones I love enough, NOT to do this. And she thinks I'm doing it in front of her, and I am just not that type of guy. She thinks there's just no way that I'm not lying about it and it's upsetting because she already has her mind made up because of what she thinks she saw.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
When she's in her pain-body state, she lumps me in a box with how "every man" is. I am innocent though, and she basically doesn't want to talk to me because I'm not being honest. She said I could never admit if I WAS checking out a girl. What she doesn't know is how hypersensitive I've almost trained myself to AVOID making eye contact with women, or scrolling quickly past ads that have women on social media and online, because of how much I know her knowing I'm only interested in looking at her means. I care about her deeply, and she doesn't believe me. My eyes weren't focused on what she assumes they were.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
These last two instances happened in the past two days, but awhile back, issues like this would pop-up sometimes, but not very frequently. Like when I was driving one time and looking at the road and surroundings ahead, and I guess there was an attractive girl on the side of the road, and she said I was checking her out. On the different online movie streaming websites, she accuses me of looking or scrolling down on purpose to see the ad with the scantily dressed girl in it. The only other time that stands out is when we were out to dinner, and I was looking at our surroundings behind her, and there was also a female server there who I was not focusing on at all, but my girlfriend just assumed the worst, and that I was oogling the server. I obviously have my own freedom and the ability like anybody to look or not look at anybody, but I care and love my girlfriend as a person enough NOT to do this at all, or anything of the kind. Sometimes I find myself actively avoiding women so I won't get accused.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
She has told me herself that she doesn't always have the highest self-esteem. I don't exactly know the cause and effect but I have a feeling that might have something to do with this behavior. I also don't want to blame her for being paranoid, because of issues she's had in the past with men as well as her father, and also I know just accusing her of something doesn't solve anything, it just makes it into an argument. I know I'm explaining a lot of negative things about her, but that's only because I'm addressing the issue and my frustrations, but she is an incredible person who's had a tough upbringing, but is making huge strides in her life and is continuing to blossom into a beautiful flower of a person every day. I'd just like to help support her and cheer her on in overcoming her past and being the best person she can be. I'm just really unsure about what to do. Because it kind of feels like she won't get over this. Sorry about the lonnnnng explanation, I really appreciate your time!!
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
It seems like the issue is more that she thinks I'm LYING about looking at the girls. If I just "told the truth about it," she'd talk to me...but I'd be lying if I told her the "truth" she wants to hear.
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
When we argued about it earlier tonight, she's possibly sarcastically said that if I was telling the truth, then she's "crazy," and she's "delusional," because she's seeing things. I don't want to upset her more with acting like I know why it's happening, but my personal guess is that she has conditioned in her mind that most men only want sex and can't be trusted, so with that paradigm whenever any man looks towards anything, they by default have primal sexual motives, and since she doesn't always have the highest self-esteem, maybe she thinks I don't want to look at her? Even though she's the most beautiful girl... When the online movie we're watching is going slow and I need to exit full screen, she'll see the advertisements with women on the corner of the screen way before I even notice it, and will accuse me of lying for saying I didn't see it.
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 1 year ago.

The problem here is biology first and psychology second, combined to be one of the most common issues in many relationships

How about bringing your lady in and sharing this conversation with her?

--- this is for both of you ---

Let's understand the female point of view first. Yes, we are aware that the males in our lives are driven by visuals. That's how we got that male to begin with. To females with insecurity issues, real or imagined, being on guard forevermore is not just impossible, but would take putting blinders on their mate and never letting them out of sight while scrutinizing all media sources.

If this is what she's trying to do and it's got to be incredibly stressful for her so despite her justifications, she really doesn't like doing it - or fearing you'll stray so much that she's become your guard rather than partner.

I could tell you to provide her positive reinforcement about herself and lavish her with attention, but that's not fair to you. A loving relationship is hard work, but it shouldn't be THAT hard.

Now, let's look at the male side of this. Of course you're going to look at women. It's nature. It doesn't mean you're looking for a replacement or that you're seeing something better or that you want to cheat. It's a visual that is very often just a fleeting thing and never thought about again. Meaningless.

Like seeing a beautiful dress in a window - doesn't mean we actually want the dress or would have any use for it in our real life, but it's nice to look at and we walk away.

Like admiring fine china, works of art or even someone else's house - in our own reality we know we're not fine china people, don't really want that Rembrandt in the hallway and what on earth would we do with 5 bedrooms and 5 bathrooms other than live to clean it?

So here's the bot***** *****ne for both of you: Lady is hypervigilant about you glancing or noticing "life" (females outnumber men) - it's impossible to make sure you never see another woman and her confidence should be solid enough that she knows that even if Ms. Universe were to show up at your door, naked, insisting no one will ever know that your choice would be to say 'no thanks, ***** ***** my lady and I'LL know!"

One of the longest lasting marriages I've known, a couple in their 80's, found the wife joking about his 'looking'. He'd been doing it since their 20's and in 60 years never strayed or thought about straying even once. She told me she always knew he looked and most of the time she ignored it; other times she'd call him on it and ask, ' can't handle ME Barney, what would you do with that?" and they'd have a good laugh.

60 years strong. Barney told me if he missed spotting a hottie, Mary would point her out with something like, "Imagine how crazy her father/boyfriend/husband is every time she leaves the house"

You both should see a counselor in your area for just a few sessions to get to the real root of the issue. Why is your lady so worried? Does she really believe censoring media so you never see an attractive woman is even possible? Or that you should close your eyes throughout life? It will stress you out with worry and make her sick with worry at the same time

I admire you for not judging her and wanting to fix this in a mutually beneficial way.

I can see the both of you, 60 years from now, like Barney and Mary - with barely any memory of how there was some insecurity and worry when you first began