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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 792
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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My nephew got married 2 weeks ago in Singapore. s parents

Customer Question

my nephew got married 2 weeks ago in Singapore. His parents (my sister and brother in law) didn't want to fly in for the wedding. instead they are paying them to fly here in September and giving them a wedding.
I suggested my sister have a small get together with just the family to get to know the bridge (Winnie). Winnie never had a shower and just to welcome her and love on her and let her know we cherish her.
my sister said she never thoguth about that. that perhas after the wedding.
i told my sister i had a small gift in mind for the bride. She demanded i tell her, it's her daughter in law. i told her it was a small keep sake gift. my sister tore into me because this is HER daughter in law and she should be getting her a keepsake gift.
well, go ahead, no one is stopping her. i told her any guest at the wedding cold purchase her a keepsake gift, a frame with their wedding date engraved on it.
my sister and i are not speaking to one another and as far as i know, we're no longer having the intimate get together.
i understand my sister is jealous, controlling and possessive. how do i tactfully talk to her about this.
BTW, her son (the one in Singapore) has, in the past, told her she was an overbearing mother. when he lived in Texas, she called him too much.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  ratioscripta replied 1 year ago.

Hello and welcome to JustAnswer. Please note: This is general information for educational purposes only and is not legal advice. No specific course of action is proposed herein, and no attorney-client relationship or privilege is formed by speaking to an expert on this site. By continuing, you confirm that you understand and agree to these terms.

I am sorry to hear about this situation. Did you mean to ask this question in the LEGAL category, or did you mean to ask this in the RELATIONSHIP or GENERAL category?

This is not an answer, but an information request. I need this information to answer your question. Please reply, so I can answer your question. Thank you in advance.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your question. It sounds like there is a bit of hurt feelings about "boundaries" and that possibly your sister is insecure about the impression that she is making or leaving with her daughter-in-law. She may even feel that she "should have" thought of the ideas that you came up with. She may actually be intimidated by the actions because she is self-conscious and feels that it reflects on her.

I think that talking to her about what your intentions were is a good start. You can use the "oreo" method, where you kind of place the concern or behavior you want changed, inside affirmations and also give her the opportunity to create solutions. This could empower her and make her feel validated and also less defensive.

Start with something like, "I wanted to speak to you from the heart about what most recently happened between us. I understand your perspective about feeling that I may have overstepped. My intention was only to welcome her in the family, and definitely not to minimize the role you have with her. I hope that you acknowledge that I came from the emotion of "love" not "hurt" or animosity. I am open to hearing your perspective and I hope that we can, together, be solution focused about working through the confusion. I don't want to not welcome this young woman into our family with an intimate get together, simply because of our misunderstanding. Please let me know how we can make this experience a positive one for all of us."

I would love to hear your feedback! Thank you so much, Jules.