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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 765
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I have been dating a guy months. Last month we went on an

Customer Question

I have been dating a guy for 2 months. Last month we went on an amazing trip to Atlantic city. He was over my house and left his email open on my computer. When i went to log out i saw an email to a girl him and i previously had an argument about because she was someone who he use to date that was lingering. He had promised to cut her off so i was surprised to see her name on his email. He had wrote her an email the day we got back from Atlantic city stating i "hope all is well i think of you often" i am very hurt and nad and considering walking away. He told me she wouldnt let go of him and shes in love but that he wants nothing to do with her ever since he met me. If thats the case why did he email her after our great vacation. Im afriad this is a sign that he is a cheater/player
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

Good morning. I am commuting to the office at the moment, but will be available in about 10 minutes to support you. Do you mind the brief wait?

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

Okay, I am fully available now :)

It sounds like he initiated the email to her? That would be bothersome to me. If it was a response to something, I may feel differently, but it almost sounds as though he was testing the waters a bit. The other thing that I am curious about is if he struggles with commitment? The vacation may have gone perfectly for him as well, but the idea of this perfect relationship may have provoked some sort of fear. I think if you feel that there is any doubt from him, that you either have to choose to speak to him and ask him to affirm you, or you have to ask for boundaries. Sometimes simply asking him will keep him accountable. Be prepared though if he attempts to placate blame and say that you were snooping in his messages. Don't fall into that trap and apologize and feel responsible. He chose to email her; you just happened to come across it.....

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hey Jules,Thanks for the response. Nay had told me you helped her alot with her situation so let me use her account for my issues (im her sister) she suggests i walk away before things get rough like her relationship but i wanted a 3rd persons perspective.Yes, he initiated the email. He apologized and told me he doesnt know why he sent it. It must have been in a late night haze but didnt mean anything. He has frmale friends and now i dont trust him to speak with them as some of them are flirty. I asked hik to cut them off. He says he has but now im doubtful as he also told me he cut this other woman off but it still emailed her
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

Yes, I can definitely understand the confusion, hurt, and doubt. I do hope that you will focus though on the positives and think about how you are affirmed in the relationship. Do you feel that he offers any other signs of doubt? Like is he overprotective with his phone or secretive? Do you see that he makes contact with females often? How is he on social media? Have you been intimidated by other women when he is around or is he attentive towards you?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He is secretive with his phone. But he is very affectionate. Im not about the contact with females as i havent looked much. His social media is private so no one can really search him but he does have pictures of us up. I have been intimated by some contact he has. Specifically this girl and there is a older woman he talks to that he says is like a mother to him that he constantly says i love you too but she is just a friend. He stays in contact with her more than his mother which i think is weird. At first i thought it was a sugar mom type situation but he did want to introduce me to her so i let that go. I know he also has this one girl saying she wants to meet me but i also know they previously hookedbup like 3 years ago so i dont want to meet her or have him talking to her at all
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
He moved to long island for me. Hes from CT. He is very attractive so i understand why he has so many female friends but i dont like that. He does smoke marijuana and goes back to CT once or twice a month to pick up things and it worries me if hes seeing these "friends" i know sometimes girls dont care if a man is in a relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

Well, I think that you have a lot of positives and you are in the new part of the relationship still, but as you grow closer or feel more fond of him, it does make us feel more vulnerable. I understand the boundaries, or lack of, that scare you a bit. Now is the time though to allow conflict to create an opportunity for you guys. You don't ever have to feel bad for telling someone what it is that you want in a relationship. You don't have to apologize for being vulnerable and humble about these things. I encourage you to do so. I would say something like, "I want to be straightforward with you about something. I care about you. In fact as we have spent more time together, I realize just how strongly I feel, but I am scared. I think that you are an incredibly handsome man and I know that you have a lot of female friends. I am scared of losing you sometimes or being made a fool of. I do appreciate and recognize the affirmations, attention, and time that you offer me. I also recognize that you have made the decision to move here for me. That really says a lot about us. I guess after seeing the email, I got a little insecure and that is the last thing that I want to feel. I don't want to feel threatened by any outsiders. Do you feel that there are some boundaries or compromises that we can make to make each other feel secure. I want to respect your privacy, but I also want to feel that there are not threats that can affect us."

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

I would love to hear your feedback. Let me know how else I can support you :)

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

I was just checking back in to see how things turned out related to this question :)

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