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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 764
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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Jules, I read an answer you provided girl investigating

Customer Question

Hi Jules,
I read an answer you provided for a girl investigating whether it was appropriate for her to begin a sexual relationship. I felt your advice was cautious and appropriate despite not necessarily being what the customer wanted to hear. I'd like to run my situation by you and see what your thoughts are:
I'm a 37 year old man dating a 40 year old woman. She and I first began dating back in 2001 when I was in my 20s. Within a month or so, the relationship became sexual advancing to petting. A month later things advanced to heavy petting and oral sex. At the six month mark my gf initiated anal sex.
When I asked her why we were having anal sex and not vaginal sex, she indicated that she wanted to maintain her virginity. Things continued to be hot and heavy for quite some time. Unfortunately, after being this intimate for a year, she began to experience deep states of depression following orgasm. She would cry for hours and eventually would ask me to assure her that nothing would happen like this again -- that I would use my limited 23 year old willpower to turn down a sexy and beautiful woman that I loved who was trying to turn me on and get me to be intimate physically with her. I wasn't very successful at being the only person policing us; further, while I could see that she became genuinely sad after intimacy, I felt that I needed to express my feelings through physical intimacy.
She asked me when I planned on marrying her. I told her that I wanted her to move in with me. She refused to move in without being married to me in part because she felt it constituted a sin and in part because it would affect her standing with her peers in her church.
Nearly two years into our relationship after spending the week never leaving our hotel room after a one week vacation, I found myself in the midst of a sexual intervention by the pastors at her church. My gf had confided in three of her pastors about our sexual activity, indicating that she had seduced me and that it was her fault but that she couldn't stop herself. I was upset that she had violated my privacy but understood her need to stop feeling shameful.
We were assigned, at age 24 and 27, constant monitors anytime we were together. Other than holding hands, every type of physical intimacy ceased. She refused to spend time with me without supervision and I eventually became resentful of the regression in our relationship such that I refused to see her unless it was just the two of us.
For nearly eight months we would talk on the phone nearly every day for hours. Eventually, I began working in a new environment and confided in some of my colleagues about the situation. I decided that I needed to break up with my gf and did so.
She had a difficult time with it (as did I). At this point she started to secretly monitor my behavior online (without permission or my knowledge that she had even gotten access to my email) and a few months later angrily confronted me when I began to date a coworker that I had earlier confided in about us. To quote my gf, she felt betrayed not because I had broken up with her but rather because I was still telling her that I loved her and wanted to get back together with her if she would just see me without a chaperone at the same time I began a relationship with a new girl.
She asked me to stop contacting her and I respected her wishes. In 2008 she began to call me often. We became close again. I confided that I was in the middle of a divorce. She screamed at me and cut me off. In 2015 she sought me out for help with a creative project. Still completely in love with her I told her as much and indicated that I didn't think I could help her out because I was motivated out of my desire to be with her and was concerned I would become resentful of her lack of interest. She indicated there was no chance we would get together and, against my better judgement, I helped her, spending nearly a thousand hours and tens of thousands of dollars helping her produce a movie.
My desire to be with her was as strong as ever and she constantly indicated that she had no interest in me. She encouraged me to begin dating people in order to attempt to get over her and have a truly platonic work environment. I began dating a girl and my ex gf began lashing out in apparent jealousy.
She started to become jealous of my female friends. At this point it was clear she was interested in me and I broached the topic of us. She angrily indicated that the only way to gain her trust was to break off contact with all my female friends.
I told her I would do so. After two months of not having spoken to my daily friends, I was pleading with my "ex"(?) gf to kiss me if she wanted to be with me. She refused numerous times and denies me any physical intimacy that I want to initiate. But she feels entitled to put her hands down my shirt and caress me and says she just needs more time. I'm depressed and frustrated and am nearly 40!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.
Wow. This is a really interesting question. I can imagine feeling very frustrated by the mixed messages that you have received! Do you mind if I take a few moments and prepare a thorough answer? You provided so many details and I don't want my answer to be any less than what you also offered in the question. :)
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.
It sounds like you have been processing the possibility of this relationship for quite some time. I bet you are thinking, "what is the hold up?" ha, but really it makes me sad that she is so afraid of the commitment in the relationship. I wonder what hurts she has had in the past that have left her wounded to the degree that she is unsure of how to proceed in a healthy relationship. She really gives you the "push-pull" and then leaves you wondering what is going on. I feel a little like she is really confused about what kind of relationship she wants or what a healthy relationship is. I honestly feel that she is taking advantage of you and has you in a position of a hostage waiting on her availability to you. Don’t let that be a reflection of you. Don’t wait on someone who is seemingly unavailable to come around. I have a great book called “Excuse me, Your life is waiting.” It is by Lynn Grabhorn and she really talks about the importance of creating the reality that we want by our own actions. It may be time for you to really decide what that is? And does your future involve her? Is she someone that was allowed to come into your life to give you the opportunity to recognize just how much you possess the capacity to love? Sometimes we have these experiences and they seem like a loss of our time, but we gain a great deal of insight about what we want or don’t want— contrast :) It may be time to establish pretty specific boundaries so that she is aware that she cannot abuse all that you offer in a relationship.You may have to specifically say to her, “I recognize how I care for you, I also feel that you care for me, but at this time, it seems that you continue to be in a place where you may be unsure. I have been patient and I respect all of the processing that you have done. I also respect your boundaries, but I have to focus on my future too. I feel frustrated about the status or lack there of in our relationship. I feel that I am going to give you space to figure that out, and I have to focus on my self-worth.” The benefits of pausing communication can be summed up here. What if you let her know that you are needing something more and otherwise you are forced to establish these boundaries for your own emotional health? There is an author who wrote a book called “Silent Power.” His name is***** have several of his books here in my home. He talks about when you recognize that you want something badly that you pay a "wanting it tax." I am going to send you a quote about this..... "When you lean psychologically or emotionally toward people, it is a sure sign of insecurity. It makes others feel uncomfortable They resent the way you’re leaning on them and will react by denying you. They don’t like your self-indulgence and your insecurity reminds them of their own vulnerability. It rattles them. Animosity builds. Consciously and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates, it robs them of energy and crowds them. They have to buy into your needs and emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own. They don’t like the imposition and they often react negatively, even if they don’t say so. Alternatively, they accept the imposition of your ways, but then feel they can take advantage of you emotionally, sexually or financially. They will feel empowered to use you, or deprecate you, or discredit you, in some way. Remember, when your energy touches others, they subliminally know if you are weak or strong. It effects how they see you. Thus an important first step in silent power is don’t lean. It’s obvious but most don’t know it. When you are frantic for people, your needs have an air of desperation. They weaken you and push things away from you. Have you ever had a romantic relationship where the other person was all over you like a hot rash, desperate for you? What did you do? Probably for the first few days you enjoyed the attention but on day 3 you gave this person a hard time and you started to toe them around by the nose. You enjoyed that for a bit but eventually their insecurity or desperation bugged you and soon you tossed this person out. When you are in love and crave someone, and this individual keeps his or her distance or retreats from you, then your desire increases. If this person advances to far forward then your desire lessens, or may dissipate completely. When you’re desperate for a deal and lean into it, you push it away or you wind up paying more. It’s called wanting it tax. Before every deal take a moment in the hallway and remind yourself you don’t need it. If you don’t get it, it doesn’t bother you. If you do get it, it will be under your terms and you won’t pay too much’."
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.
I just wanted to check back in and see how things were going. I wasn't sure about any feedback for the answer provided, but if you do feel satisfied please feel free to let me know :)

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