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hello JA: Hi. How can we...
hello
JA: Hi. How can we help?
Customer: just relationship advice
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: my girlfriend of 3 and a half years has broken up with me
JA: Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?
Customer: ??
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Submitted: 1 year ago.Category: Relationship
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
hello
Answered in 11 hours by:
5/4/2016
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 797
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
Good afternoon. I hope that I can help you. Can you tell me a bit more about your situation?
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hello,Basically my girlfriend told me a few weeks ago that she was really unhappy. we had a chat and she said she was paranoid and nothing good in her life. I asked if it was us or i could do anything but she said we were great. i suggested going to talk to someone but she just wanted to talk to me.After a few weeks we had a lot on at work and my grandmother died, i was worried about her. Then last week she said she was down again, it all got a bit much for me and the next day I asked for a hug and started crying. It turned into an argument when things were said in the heat of the moment. She went away for the weekend and came back and end it. We have lots of mutual friends and work together and she seems fine by it all.We have been together nearly 4 years and it is very full on and absolutely adore each other. I was close to proposing and feel she is throwing it all away. I previously thought its the best we have ever been. Recently she has been very insecure in herself and her appearance.I spoke to her the other night and just tried to reassure her and show her i love her and i am here for her. She just said she cant tell me what i want to hear and shes sorry for hurting me. She is seeing all the negative parts of our relationship and no positives. She has done this before but i feel its different this time. She says we have spoken before and nothing ever changes.
I have made a list of ways we can be better and left it on the table for when she picks up her things. I hope she doesnt take it as a negative. I feel i need to compromise on a lot and not lose focus of our love when we get caught up in every day life and work.I have left her and not spoken to each other in about 4 days as i want her to have some space away from me.Her friends think she is serious this time about it. I think we have too much for it all to be thrown away.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
(Posted by JustAnswer at customer's request) Hello. I would like to request the following Expert Service(s) from you: Live Phone Call. Let me know if you need more information, or send me the service offer(s) so we can proceed.
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
I am available for a phone call now if you would like for me to make the offer.
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Can you reply
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
Sure! It would be easier to do online at this time for me if that is okay. I just was getting the kiddos down for bed. Thank you for your question. Your situation is quite complex. You have several factors to consider. It sounds a lot like she is dealing with an internal battle and a great deal of insecurities. Maybe something in the past has led to emotional effects and has led her to struggle with trust, depression, anxiety, and self-worth. This often creates what we call "cognitive patterns" or "thought patterns" that create fear and doubt. These inner thoughts control her actions and create a bit of uncertainty. There is no doubt that she cares for you. It sounds like she struggles with her self-worth. She may feel that she is undeserving of your love and she may not trust your kindnesses toward her. You have had conflict in the past but nothing too serious as far as you have described. If she has ever had a negative past relationship or been hurt deeply She may continue to have feelings of mistrust that were not created by you. She may begin to guard herself from future hurt because she actually does love you (4 years is a long time) and she is talking herself into protecting her heart from being broken again. There is something that we call "homeostasis" in relationships that occurs. A homeostatic pattern is one in which we resist change. She has become "used to" the idea of people leaving her, hurting her, relationships ending, people being hurtful, etc. She may have developed a "negative filter" and look for problems or even create them in her mind because it supports her theory that relationships are unsafe.....It could be that as you have grown closer, she began to feel more afraid of the future.....I wonder if you could ask her something like what we call "The miracle question." The miracle question states, "Suppose tonight, while you slept, a miracle occurred. When you awake tomorrow, what would be some of the things you would notice that would tell you life had suddenly gotten better?" Maybe you can tailor this question to fit your relationship. Something like, "What if tomorrow morning you woke up and it seemed that a miracle took place, what would you notice about our relationship that had gotten better?" Maybe then she can give you some specifics on what may be occurring for her? You can also try exploring the 5 Love Languages together. I will tell you a bit about these and send a link so that you can discover your own.Gary Chapman found that there are 5 patterns of emotional connections and how we demonstrate them. He calls these our "love languages." The Love languages are words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, quality time, and acts of service. I will explain a bit of these. Words of affirmation are based on demonstrating appreciation, approval, recognizing efforts made by you or your partner- on the flip side if you recognize that you are sensitive to criticism or perceived criticism this can be a sign that your love language may be words of affirmation. Gifts are about little tokens or offerings that suggest that you are thinking of someone. It can be simple or elaborate, but it's the thought that counts. As far as acts of service, a quote comes to mind, ”Actions speak louder than words.” Acts of service may include mowing the yard, helping with laundry, starting the dishes, making the bed, helping load the car or unload the car of groceries. It could even be something that helps someone else in their career— anything that offers support someone through an action. Quality Time is based on providing undivided attention to your partner. Turning off the TV, making eye contact, turning toward them as they communicate with you— it is about focusing on your partner without allowing distractions to occur. Finally, physical touch, there is power in tenderness. This does not have to include sexual touch, but more or less, gentleness. It can be holding hands, a stroke of their hair, a massage, or a simple hug. There is encouragement in touch.....This can help you meet your partner's needs, but also have yours met. Also you can think back on what led to some of your conflict-- this could be signs of what is needed in the relationship to feel more secure....The link to take the quiz ishttp://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
What do you suggest i do now? She seems adament this time and doesnt seem bothered. I dont want to give up on us.We have a month til we finish work for the summer and had booked a trip for 5 weeks in america.After the month is up we wont see each other for 2 and a half months.
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
I would ask her for a meeting in person to talk about everything that has happened. Provide her with the perspective of the time frame that you have left and encourage her to understand that conflict can create opportunity for you guys to make concessions and changes to help you grow closer.
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Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
I would love to hear back from you and know how you feel about the information given :)
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
So it turns out after are argument she went away with her friends and met someone and since then has met up with them again and seems to think they have an instant connection.
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
Oh my goodness. It sounds like she is more or less working through a rebound situation.
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I know. It is all very out of character and i personally think she is getting attention that she hasnt had for a while. How do i proceed?
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
11 May 2016 07:16
I know. It is all very out of character and i personally think she is getting attention that she hasnt had for a while. How do i proceed?
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
I am so sorry! I just saw this! Well, I wonder if it is time that you use "silent power."There is an author who wrote a book called “Silent Power.” His name is***** have several of his books here in my home. He talks about when you recognize that you want something badly that you pay a "wanting it tax." I am going to send you a quote about this..... "When you lean psychologically or emotionally toward people, it is a sure sign of insecurity. It makes others feel uncomfortable They resent the way you’re leaning on them and will react by denying you. They don’t like your self-indulgence and your insecurity reminds them of their own vulnerability. It rattles them. Animosity builds. Consciously and subliminally, they sense the weakness your leaning creates, it robs them of energy and crowds them. They have to buy into your needs and emotions when they would prefer to concentrate on their own. They don’t like the imposition and they often react negatively, even if they don’t say so. Alternatively, they accept the imposition of your ways, but then feel they can take advantage of you emotionally, sexually or financially. They will feel empowered to use you, or deprecate you, or discredit you, in some way. Remember, when your energy touches others, they subliminally know if you are weak or strong. It effects how they see you. Thus an important first step in silent power is don’t lean. It’s obvious but most don’t know it. When you are frantic for people, your needs have an air of desperation. They weaken you and push things away from you. Have you ever had a romantic relationship where the other person was all over you like a hot rash, desperate for you? What did you do? Probably for the first few days you enjoyed the attention but on day 3 you gave this person a hard time and you started to toe them around by the nose. You enjoyed that for a bit but eventually their insecurity or desperation bugged you and soon you tossed this person out. When you are in love and crave someone, and this individual keeps his or her distance or retreats from you, then your desire increases. If this person advances to far forward then your desire lessens, or may dissipate completely. When you’re desperate for a deal and lean into it, you push it away or you wind up paying more. It’s called wanting it tax. Before every deal take a moment in the hallway and remind yourself you don’t need it. If you don’t get it, it doesn’t bother you. If you do get it, it will be under your terms and you won’t pay too much’." Don’t take that text in a condescending way, but what I am encouraging you to understand is that there is such a thing as "silent strength." It may be useful for you to postpone communication and have her realize that “contrast” of not having you available and she will see your strength and maybe begin to miss you more?Just a thought….Let me know what you think….
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Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
Hey, just wanted to check back in and find out how things are going for you and if you have been satisfied with the answer. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance :) Thanks, Jules
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Yes. I have now decided not to contact her. We work together and have many mutual friends so it is quite difficult. Is this the best thing to do?
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
I think that for right now, allowing time to go by is the best approach. You may see her coming to you soon just to process all that is occurring. Once the dust settles, you may both see things with more clarity.
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
A lot of the unhappiness on her part was down to me.
I can expect a lot from her and sometimes possessive this makes her feels scared to express herself and doesnt want to say so she doesnt hurt me
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I have told her that i recognise this but she says its too late too late and has caused her years of unhappiness and our relationship was toxic
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