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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3527
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My boyfriend and I started dating in grade 11 (2012). After

Customer Question

My boyfriend and I started dating in grade 11 (2012). After school we moved in together and now been living together for just over a year. I work full time in a job I really enjoy. He is at uni 4 days and week and works 12 hours on weekends. He is a very driven and motivated person in life. He has a life plan and knows what his goals and dreams are.
He is studying to be an Astronomer. To become an Astronomer he wants to do a 4 year degree at Uni in Physics (he has just started year 2), then wants to move 1200km down south to do his Masters. He is also a very physical and active person. He also wants to join the army ASAP, then once he has finished his masters he would like to be a Commando about 10 years (while he is still young and able to do physical things). He then wants to move to America to do his PHD.
Our relationship hasn’t been going very well lately we are always arguing over the tiny things that really don’t matter. He is very stressed because he is quite busy and doesn’t have time to really relax. I am stressed out because we don’t really spend quality time together anymore. He has recently made a new very good friend, he is always talking to her on Facebook. Even during time that I would class as ‘our time’, he just seems like he can’t put his phone down.
We have been trying to work out our issues. We are always talking and are open and honest with each other. He says that he doesn’t think he can be 100% compatible with someone who isn’t driven in life and who doesn’t want to push themselves to reach their goals and be the best that they can be. He would like me to find a hobby or something that I can throw myself into. Something that he can support me in and be proud of me, like I am for him. I am happy with my job as a receptionist, I love craft and making things, but I don’t really know what I want to do with my life, I don’t have a live plan. I am extremely happy to be with him, do my craft and support him – that makes me happy.
He is really struggling with this and not coping well. His new friend, is just like him very driven and ambitious in life and I think he wishes I was more like her. It’s like she has given him a taste of what I could be like, but unfortunately I am not. He says ‘He just feels lost and he doesn’t know if with his current arrangements (our life together) that he can reach his goals’. He is seriously wondering if opposites really do attract and if an entirely goal orientated person and person with absolutely no goals in life can be compatible long term. He is thinking ‘Imagine if I had someone who was not only supportive but also was as driven? Who also had a passion to be the best? Who didn't just want to settle at being mediocre?’ He wants some who has a drive for live and who wants to get somewhere and do something they can be proud of. He says I am extremely ‘amazing’, but I just have no drive. He doesn’t know if he wants to be in a serious relationship right now, he just wants a fun one. He wants someone ‘Who he can share his goals with and be like, hey this is what I really want to do. What do you really want to do? And then we can casually work off of each other to reach them’.
I really love him and I want to spend my life with him, but lately I just feel like I am not enough or the best person for him to be with and that I am making him sad.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I am so sad to hear of this because I don't hear anything mediocre about you...I hear a wonderful and loving woman whom is content in her life, her work and her love. why does that make you less or not driven? In my book it doesn't and his internal needs for himself may look different than yours but yours are no less than his, just different. I don't think finding a hobby to satisfy him will work in the long run because it seems like you might always fall short in his eyes. You may not have the best fit with each other in the long run..only time can tell, but right now, I am more desirous of you feeling okay with all that you are right now and not letting another create bad feelings in yourself. If he is reaching out to another to fill this space in him then that is more information for you about your fit. I know you love him but his requirements for you seem a bit over the top and I see that pressure only getting worse over time.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Let me know how else I can support you. If all good for now, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support as I am not credited for my time without a rating from you. Thanks so much in advance.