The first thing that I do encourage you to do is "pause." I know that you have felt frustration for quite a while, but I wonder if you attempted to find other ways to increase the intimacy between you guys, it would eventually lead her to be more open to sexual activity. I have a tendency to believe that the lack of sex (unless caused by a medical reason) may have more to do with the lack of an emotional connection. Is your wife currently going through any hormonal changes that may be affecting her libido? Or is this a recent change in events?
I am going to send you a bit of information about "The Five Love Languages." It may help you understand or know what you most need, but also provide some insight into how you have specific needs and the best way to receive those. There is even a little quiz that both of you can do to see what you both need in order to feel fulfilled and also give love to your partner.
The love languages are words of affirmation, physical touch (which it sounds like you need), acts of service, gifts, and quality time.
#1: Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, "I love you," are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
#2: Quality Time
For those whose love language is spoken with Quality Time, nothing says, "I love you," like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
#3: Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
#4: Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an "Acts of Service" person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: "Let me do that for you." Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
#5: Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
To take the quiz online, go to www.5lovelanguages.com/assessment.
Let me know what you think about this. I would hate to hear that you sought that need outside of your marriage if you haven't exhausted your efforts inside your relationship.
Have you and your wife communicated with a serious, sit-down conversation about the importance of this to you? Also, sometimes a partner isn't sexually available because they have been wounded by their partner and they don't feel close to them. Have you guys worked through a difficult situation that may be perpetuating her distance?