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I am datinga much older man, 56. I am 38. In a nutshell,

here are the issues: He...
I am datinga much older man, 56. I am 38. In a nutshell, here are the issues: He had chemical induced cancer from the military 13 years ago. As a result, he has necrosis in his larger limbs and has to have double hip and double shoulder replacement. We have been dating for 4 months. He told me a month into the relationship that he has had a hip replaced. He told me 2 months he has to have the other hip and both shoulders. He also takes thyroid medicine for overactive thyroid.... Because he wasn't up front about all these issues, I'm wondering what else didn't he tell me. After I through a fit, he told me that I now know everything. When I asked him last week is it a chance the cancer could return, he said a possibility. My concern is that I have dated, seriously, 10 men in my lifetime and this man treats me like I'm gold. He is everything I wanted in a man. But I don't want to marry him and then 5 years later he's debilitated for some reason. Or I could take the risk and be happy for as long as we can. There is also a chance that after the hips and arms are replaced, his cancer may not return and we could be happy. Am I thinking clearly?
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Answered in 4 minutes by:
3/16/2016
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 797
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified

Good afternoon! I wanted to let you know that you have a professional available and I will be formulating an answer for you. Please bare with me while I prepare an answer. In the meantime, please provide any additional information that may help me, help you.

Thank you Julie :)

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You know, you are in a tough position. I want to normalize your confusion. You have fallen head over heels for a man and now you are afraid to lose him. I understand that..... One thing that I do want you to consider, is that love is always a risk. We really don't know what is ahead of us in any relationship. I read a quote yesterday that said, "There are two days that we can do nothing about-- tomorrow and yesterday. So live in the present." We really have no idea what the future brings-- you may feel that you have an idea because of certain awareness related to his health, but you do know right now, how he makes you feel. I tend to believe that two primary emotions drive our behaviors-- fear or love. You may want to take some time and understand what is motivating you right now.... We tend to guard ourselves from being hurt, I think that your concerns are out of fear of being hurt, so you are confused if you feel strong enough to manage that in the future. I commend you for being so vulnerable about the place you are emotionally in. I have worked with client's who have had a partner diagnosed with a chronic illness and experienced either loss or healing. Both sides of the coin agree that they would do it all over again-- they would not miss out on the chance for that love. It was an experience that they would not give up because it was an integral part of this life's journey.

With patience and commitment, there are ways you and your partner can deal with the strain a chronic illness can place on your relationship.

Here are some links that I want you to explore. I hope that this is helpful.

http://marriage.about.com/od/healthyliving/a/chronillness.htm

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/586288

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=29912734

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/chronic-illness-seven-relationship-tips

You said, "He is everything I wanted in a man." You have contrast from the other relationships you have been in.... you have been given a gift. Think from love, rather than fear.....

I hope that this has been helpful. We can continue communicating if necessary :)

CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 797
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
CounselorJules and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thank you sooooo much! This was very helpful. I'm tearful right now because it's almost like I needed someone to give me permission to be happy and to enjoy this love that I have for this man.Be blessed!!! and thanks again!!
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CounselorJules
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Satisfied Customers: 797
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