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Going thru a difficult relationship issue, I have been

Customer Question
going thru a difficult relationship...
going thru a difficult relationship issue
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: I have been seeing this guy for over a year and he has a habit of taking me for granted at times. we were suppose to celebrate our birthdays this past weekend but he stood me up and turned his phone off. I was devastated. He didn't call me for two full days which at that point, I blocked his number. I know nothing happened to him for I called his phone before I blocked him and his phone was on.
JA: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?
Customer: I know blocking defeats the purpose of communication but it helps me with not obsessing over when he will call me and it also helps me not to chase him with more messages. I also want to send a clear message that I am willing to walk if you mistreat me. This isn't the first time he has done this so I feel like I really need to make a stand. He lives 10 minutes away from me so I feel that if I am really important, he will figure out a way to contact me and win me back. If I am not that important, then he isn't the one for me. Am I wrong for feeling this way.
JA: OK. To minimize me, please click the down arrow at the top right corner of this box. I'm sending you to a secure page on JustAnswer so you can place the $5 fully refundable deposit now. While you're filling out that form, I'll tell the Psychologist about your situation and connect you two.
Submitted: 1 year ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 25 minutes by:
3/15/2016
Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 806
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified

Good morning! I will be available to help you today! Thank you for all of the information. I am going to formulate an answer, but it may take some time. Do you mind if I pause to provide you with a thorough answer and I will be responding shortly! Thank you Julie

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Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago

Well, first I think what you are hoping for is to establish clear boundaries with him. I think that this is important because then there is no expectation of what you "think" someone else should understand because you have offered an explanation already. I understand you blocking his number so that you are not tempted to contact him. It makes sense and it provides a boundary to restrict your own attempts to communicate. Although, this is helpful in the short-term, I think that you realize, it does not help with your longer-term, preferred outcome. So I am going to first start by explaining boundaries and then discuss how to effectively communicate with him what your needs are. I hope that the following will provide a sense of clarity!

I want you to imagine a boundary as an invisible barrier between you and others. It limits what you will allow into your life, and it limits what you will allow yourself to go beyond. These boundaries are important so that we don't feel taken for granted, cheated, or disrespected. You can communicate your boundaries by starting with some specific words such as "I have a problem with...." or "I don't want to...." "Ive decided not to...." or "I understand your point of view, but...."

Another example is saying "It is important to me to....."

I do understand what you are saying about how you perceive his actions that suggest that your degree of importance-- but, you don't want to be passive aggressive to have your needs met. Try being assertive. Communicate that you feel hurt and vulnerable with him. Let him know that you had previously blocked his number, not because you didn't want to have contact with him, but because you needed time to process your relationship and you didn't want to react to him with anger, when what you were really feeling was hurt. Use your own affirmations of how you feel that you offer love to him, and that you want your relationship to be healthy. You may even ask him, "what can I do to be a better partner to you?" This may show a vulnerability to him that he would appreciate and even cause him to be less defensive. If you go in with aggression, he may become defensive and he will automatically go into "fight or flight" mode-- neither of which will provide you with the outcome that you want. Also use your personal affirmations of understanding your worth and esteem. You have to channel positive energy through your thoughts. What you say when you talk to yourself really matters! The more you focus on your personal needs, the more secure, refreshing, centered, and calm you will be as a partner. You also have to believe that love is available to you and that you deserve it. Practice saying "I now deserve love, romance, and joy-- and all the good that life has to offer me." The more you believe this, the more you will attract the desires into your physical life. Life mirrors back to us the feelings that we have inside. As you develop your inner sense of love, the right person to share your growing sense of intimacy will be attracted into your life, like a magnet. That could be your current partner....

Also understand the value of "contrast" and allow this conflict to create an opportunity to be able to develop a sense of well-being and assertion with a partner. You don't have to feel guilty about making requests in a relationship. It actually makes the relationship easier for both of you.

I am going to include a few links for you to explore!

http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/

http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/communicate-better/

http://estestherapy.com/communicating-needs/

I hope that this has been helpful and that you will accept the answer and provide a positive rating! Please feel free to comment or provide any other information that can help me, help you!

Julie

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Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago

Let me know if there is any more that I can provide for you :)

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Counselor: CounselorJules, Counselor replied 1 year ago
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