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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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I have a serious matter in which to talk about. I would much

Customer Question

I have a serious matter in which to talk about. I would much appreciate an honest, answer.
I met this woman back in August. I am 23 she is 25. Her and I connected on a level that I'd think people would dream of. I have never been so happy with anyone. Her and I are verbal verbal and honest and can talk about anything. Her father and I have an extremely strong relationship and isn't that surely every women's dream? When her siblings also adore you? But there are some downfalls in which to cover. She has major self worth and commitment issues. At one point into our "relationship" she said she needed time and space. Going along with the "self worth" problem. I myself have a great job, benefits, live on my own and very self sufficient. Her on the other hand, has a bachlories degree and works at the mall. With major stress of turning 26 soon, getting off her parents insurance and struggling to get by. She feels she has to offer me something in order for things to work. So, we gave it time. Space and time smeed to work well, and we re connected and flames kindled. Then around Christmas time, she said she was hurting me and she said she wouldn't drag me to the level of self sadness she feels because I "deserve the world" so she couldn't have a relationship if herself wasn't happy. I get that. So, again, we had a couple months off. We reconnected again and this time it's been stronger than ever. But, being very low key ill casually bring up the whole "being exclusive" and it seems to worry her. I see other couples on social media and tell her how nice hat is. She says that social media ruins relationships, and dosent want our "business" being publicly displayed. Saying when the times right it will happen, and that she wants me and a future with me. She talks about being married before 30 then I joke that you have to be in a relationship before someone puts a ring on your finger. All of my friends are sick and tired of hearing me talk about my "status" and her general. They all tell me to follow my heart. My parents also have seen the lows when things are rough and tell me to be smart. She planned a trip this weekend and says she has all these places we need to go visit. It's just the cold feet, the hot one day cold the next afraid of commitment self worth issues that leave my mind f**ked. They say the heart grows fonder when distant. In our cases it has. I'm just wondered if I throw down an altermadon or basically say are we doing this or not? I have a life to live.. Please anything would help.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format.

Hello and thank you for using JustAnswer. I can definitely understand how frustrating this can be for you from what you described. While it definitely appears that you want a committed relationship, she is less inclined for whatever reason. You two have only been back together for a short time, so it may be in your best interest to continue to be patient with her and see where things lead. She already is not savvy to commitments and will shy away from them, but as an objective observer you two have only been back together for a short period of time. Regardless of your history together, this is considered a fresh start to your relationship so an ultimatum at this time probably would be too soon. Now if she still is not going to be exclusive with you by at least the end of the month or into May, than you should press harder for it and then state if she will not commit to you than it may be best for you both to take a break and date other people. Waiting for another 1-2 months is reasonable given that you both just recently reconciled and if it does not work out than you would only have had "wasted" 1-2 months time. So this may be a good compromise for her to get more open to the idea of being exclusive or a commitment and for you having a reasonable time line for waiting or moving forward without her.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Too me, she is like her friends. She's "together" with a man but not "exclusive" she wants and thrives off having all the aspects of dating. ( good mornings, good nights, dates, sleeping together, deep talks, ect..) but the whole being exclusice seems troubling. Could that be a problem with me, or just self issues with herself?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

That is definitely an issue with her, not with you. I cannot tell you exactly why she has commitment issues because that would involve talking to her directly and getting to know her personal history, but the fact that she is shying away from an official commitment is definitely on her, not on you

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I hope this helps to provide you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any other questions or concerns as I would be happy to continue assisting you regarding this issue.

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