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KimberlyF, I was with a man 9years, three years after we got…

Hi KimberlyF Expert's Assistant:...

Hi KimberlyF

Expert's Assistant: Thanks. Can you give me any more details about your issue?

I was with a man for almost 9years, three years after we got married in Bali, Indonesia but for some reason I did not registered our marriage so we just live a de-facto relationship for another 4 more years. Then my eldest son committed suicide in the army barracks in Darwin, Australia he was 23. Everything in our life changed, pain changed me. I used to call him my husband, he have this big boat with bedroom, kitchen and lounge and he always go out with his friends without even considering my feelings. He also owns his business. We were having issues we were having issues because my kids was brought up in a more soft kind of no yelling environment since I was a single mother since my youngest son was 3 years old. I met Peter when he was 12yrs old and the same year we moved back with Peter against my instincts. My boys and I doesn't want to moved in with Peter but one day after I got home from work Peter have his workers unloading our stuff to a big truck. anyway, we are not used to yelling and aggressiveness the way Peter are but for the last 7 years we were together he was giving me some money..lets say 60 K. then of course we got married in Bali with 100 guests including his family..at first I don't want to go ahead with the wedding since we started to have family issues...my boys doesn't really want to live with him..i am working as a full timer eversince not relying on him. after my son died I lost my interest in sex, because he is not fulfilling my needs. ie" I am not having orgasm and I sort of getting more frustrated. I am Filipina petite and he is about 100 kg and I don't find our sex enjoyable but at the end I sort of accepted that this is my fate. I left him two years ago because I found out he brought 6x strippers in his boat. I received a letter address to him from the rotnest island management saying there was a public complaint with him having nude girls in the boat. I asked him about this he said that I should be proud of him the way he conduct himself is very respectful I said to him when they started to take their clothes off why you did not go home or tell them to put their clothes on instead you went to a secluded spot and you all went nude swimming. besides they are all strippers I wont believe you that they did not do any favour to you. a blow job is not hard if they all participate. he did not elaborate on this issues or reassured me. instead he point fingers how I am not cooking for his son and I am hiding food for his son. his son moved in with us the same year my son died. but Peter and his son are both lazy they doo not wash their dishes and just relying on my and my boys that is when I take my boys out for they are not improving for the healing with regards ***** ***** brothers death. they need peace. I moved them back to my property. so when Peter point finger on me instead of apologising I left again. after this I gave him still a benefit of the doubt for he was insisting nothing happened but I know in my heart then...that something happened for that night he did not sleep with me. he waited for me to get up at 4am in the morning to get ready for work then he went to bed. I was involve with him for the last two years going back and forth while he was living with his son..i said to Peter I want us to live again but no children in the house just the two of us. him helping his son and I will help my son. so after a year I left him I bought another house without Peter knowing it. I told him after a year. sometimes we will have a fight and I wont see him for a month but then after he text we will get back together again..the reason I am doing this is for him to have a think about us. Last January 1 Peter and I went to rotnest island to have new years day we left on December 31...he spend his Christmas with me too. His mobile have password..i cannot access my internet on my mobile. so I asked Peter if he can put the password ***** his phone and I want to check my facebook. since we were together I do not snoop on peter's stuff so sort of I gained his trust. he put the password ***** I checked my facebook..then I gave back the phone to him. the following day I did the same thing but this time I thought of checking him messages...that is when I saw he was seeing some women the way the text was said is he had been intimate with them or sex.. one text saying he was still busy and will take longer...then she reply with Babe xxx. the other woman is telling peter about what he is doing but there is no reply from Peter but their previous messages there is an insinuation of sex. the 3rd woman is from RSVP meeting site. this is the last girl he text. Anyway, after that day I insist of going home. then two days after I told him that its easier to moved on and heal but to make our relationship work we need to go to grieving and relationship counselling. after two days he replied saying "he agree he hurt me and he will miss me and will always love me, but to go ahead with my grieving counselling and he will be there to help. and reply "why it is always me. my grieving is my choice but his porno and marijuana addiction is his choice and he have his own issues too and eversince he is using prostitutes and strippers even we go to overseas. he replied "how I view it is right but he accepted my decision,. I said my goodbye he told me goodbye. I changed my mobile number the same day. I did not realise that when I changed my number the Viber was still connected because a week before valentines day he tried to ring me 3x. I did not returned his call. then two weeks ago I was so lonely I was reading his last messages I threw my mobile on the lounge and then the next thing I know I was ringing him. I turned off my mobile for the whole night the following day I turned it back on and he called my the same time he called me 3x a week before valentines day. I answered the phone..i told him I have accepted what happened to him and I and he was a big part of my life but I am still looking in my future with a smile. then he said "lets go for dinner sometime". I said my goodbye. until now I haven't heard from him no text no nothing and I am mor confused. please give me some directions.

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Answered in 3 hours by:
3/14/2016
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 820
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified

My goodness. You put so much effort into your question. Thank you for all of the information. I want to be able to help you. I would like to take some time to provide a thorough answer for you. Do you mind if I take a little extra time to formulate a response? I want to address several of the issues mentioned with compassion and understanding. If there is any more information, such as what you want for your future and if you are wanting to end this relationship, for sure, please let me know. In the mean time, I will be providing a thorough response for you..... Julie

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Okay, good afternoon. First I want to offer my condolences to you regarding your son. The loss of a child is one of the most painful heartaches one can process or even begin to fathom. A suicide leads to many unanswered questions and at times, we even experience a "survivor's guilt." I encourage you to understand the grief cycle first and foremost. Understand that everyone's perspective of grief is different. You have to be patient with yourself regarding the loss and remember that your love for your son is never going to change. I recently ordered a book called "Awakenings from the Light" and it processes experiences with loss and even an afterlife. Every single near death experience book I have read discusses the unconditional love that awaits for us on the other side.

I am going to describe the grief cycle for you. I think you will find it informative. It can also help you understand your placement in the cycle and how you are experiencing this currently with your relationship.The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle. Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The next stage is Bargaining; Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would be spared. “Please God, ” you bargain, “I will never be angry at my wife again if you’ll just let her live.” After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?” We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find the tumor sooner, recognize the illness more quickly, stop the accident from happening…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. In your case, you may be processing the what if I had called him, or you may have convinced yourself that you could have shown him a different option..... After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level, deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss.Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about the loss of a loved one. This stage is about accepting the reality that our loved one is physically gone and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality.

The interesting thing about your question is that you are processing multiple traumas and adjustments.

I'm curious as to how the initial loss has perpetuated or impacted the future traumas? Is there a correlation between the losses-- meaning do you feel that you were able to work through the initial loss before the following trauma? It seems that the further we are healed from an initial loss, the more successful we will be in overcoming the next. Our success and coping is also impacted by our thought patterns. As a trauma specialist, I have found that most people experience trauma triggers, which lead us back to the very beginning and fill us with despair and at time hopelessness-- especially one that begins to create an internal message of "it is never going to get better." This in turn affects our self-worth, creates fears, and even a negative filter on how we process events. We tend to try to create a reason or justification for these events and we take an ownership and engage in self-blame.

So, I first ask you, what are the internal thoughts that drive your feelings, and then behaviors? We call these "triangles" and we have to look at how we process events or situations, or even ourselves. Are you engaging in self-blame related to your estranged husband's choices? He has clearly violated your marital boundaries and his actions do not demonstrate a great deal of respect for you. I find this to be his problem and he is the cause--not you. When you are married, you yield to the needs of the other. You have been wounded repeatedly and he has not come to help you heal-- instead he has poured salt in this.

You sound like you had come to peace with your decisions to finalize the relationship changes-- his behaviors do not suggest a great deal of deep change. I encourage you to continue keeping your boundaries. You have to protect yourself from harm. You can love him, but also release him. It is quite confusing when he still asks for time with you, but it also suggest that he may not respect your boundaries (which he has a habit of doing) and does not trust that you can be assertive.....

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I am going to send you a few links that I think that you may find helpful :)

http://www.louisehay.com/

http://www.wcano.com/boundaries-after-a-pathological-relationship.html

http://www.loveisrespect.org/

https://www.compassionatefriends.org/Brochures/surviving_your_childs_suicide.aspx

If you would like further information, please let me know. I hope that you will provide a positive rating and any feedback you may have to help me, help you :)

Julie

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