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I bumped into my ex gf after 15 years of not seeing her. we…

i bumped into my ex...
i bumped into my ex gf after 15 years of not seeing her.
we had coffee a week later.she is divorced and i am married.
i decided not to pursue her because of this.
she however texted me to say hi.
when i asked her to catch up again she said she was busy
why is she texting me then?
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Answered in 7 hours by:
3/9/2016
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 828
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified

Good morning! I would like to be able to help you. Thank you for using the service for your inquiry.

First, I do encourage you to keep your boundaries in place. Do talk to your wife about the interaction and texts. Secrets in the marriage are simply seeds for more deceit or problems to grow.

As far as your ex's actions, I would say that she is confused. Maybe she is second guessing her actions and realizing that it may not be healthy for you guys to communicate, as it could affect your marriage.

Let me ask you, if you don't mind, what are you hoping to achieve through your interactions with her? Is it about catching up? Or do you find yourself thinking of her throughout the day? Are you feeling confused yourself about the nature of the relationship?

I hope that you will provide a bit more information and I will be happy to further process this with you!

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Also a book you may be interested in for more information on how to set up healthy boundaries with opposite-sex friends, I highly recommend reading “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.

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Customer reply replied 2 years ago
thanks .
I should have told you that there is still a big attraction between us.
we were not only lovers in the past but best friends,but I did hurt her badly and I still feel massive guilt 20 years later!
I think its the friendship I miss , and if I include the guilt factor , yes I am confused because I thought by catching up with her I could be friends again and maybe some of the guilt would disappear.
Now I am thinking that it may be better not to contact her again because I am thinking of her often and I dont want to wreck my marriage which is still a good marriage.

Thank you for your response. I understand the guilt associated with a past breakup and thinking about the "what-ifs." But sometimes we have to focus on the "what is." You also may want to consider if you do have any unmeet needs in your marriage? Not suggesting that there are any, but it can be normal to feel complacent but know that we love our partner. I encourage you to think of how you can put the energy into your marriage rather than that past relationship. I once heard a marriage counselor say, "if you can renew the friendship between old lovers, then it is almost like you renewed their romance too." That has always stuck with me. It may be too hard to go back to "just friends" status, and I wonder it would affect you emotionally. I wonder if that guilt of continuing communication would be even greater than the guilt from your past relationship! And remember, we can almost always rationalize and justify things, but when it is all said and done, we cant be lead astray by curiosities....

Maybe this is an opportunity to recognize if there is anything you would like to address with your wife. I encourage everyone to read "5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I think it is a good tool to help us realize our own needs and those of our spouse and how we can most effectively have them met, and meet theirs. Im going to include a couple of links for you to check out!

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

https://www.iacac.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/D31-I-Hate-Your-Job-The-5-Love-Languages.pdf

It sounds like you recognize what you really want. Just renew that spice or romance and focus on the here and now, versus the past! You can do it! It may take discipline, but dont give in to the temptation. If it helps, tell your wife that you ran into the ex and have that accountability.....

I hope that this has been helpful and you will accept the answer so that I can receive credit for the answer provided. Thank you so much! We can continue talking even after you accept the answer if necessary!

Julie

CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 828
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
CounselorJules and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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I just wanted to follow up and find out how you have been doing. Is there any more information that I can provide you with that can help?

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Customer reply replied 2 years ago
final question
why did she initiate contact by text if she knew i was married?
Customer reply replied 2 years ago
final question
why did she initiate contact by texting me if she knew I am married?
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