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I am 23 years old and on a relationship with a guy that I

Hi. I am 23...
Hi. I am 23 years old and on a relationship with a guy that I love very much, but my jealous personality drives a huge wedge between us. I recently snooped on his computer. I realise this was wrong of me, but I had a burning curiosity that I felt I couldn't forget about unless I addressed it. I found some porn, which really hurt me and made me feel quite confronted. We had a HUGE argument about it in which many extreme things were said, and after a fortnight of me bringing it up tearfully every day and him refusing to see anything wrong with it, I finally decided I needed to adjust my way of thinking and accept it if I was going to stay with him. I read up on porn viewing and realised it is very common and generally not considered a substitute or indicator of dissatisfaction with a persons sex life. So, I decided that it was actually something I could accept as long as it isn't excessive. Unfortunately I came to this decision after much excessive nagging and had to beg him to believe that I feel ok about it now and convince him not to leave me. However not even two days after coming to peace with this issue, another one has arisen in my mind. I was watching a tv show in which the main character found nude pictures of her boyfriend's ex on his phone, and now I am paranoid that my boyfriend might have old nudes of people he has slept with in the past. I would view this as a serious betrayal (different to porn viewing because they are people he knows in real life). The problem is I don't know if he sees it in the same way as I do, or if he might just think of it as harmless, like the porn. I feel that same sick feeling and burning desire to address this question but I absolutely cant question him about it now after the recent fights we have had and after my plea to believe that I have changed my way of thinking. I feel obsessed by it. I hate feeling this way because aside from issues which arise out of my own jealousy and over thinking, we dont fight and get along great. I am worried I am going to seriously ruin the relationship, but I dont know how to just switch off and chill out. It feels like a compulsion. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I should add that he has been under multiple different outside stressors lately, in his family, work and social life and is also trying to juggle this with exams- which is why he has very little tolerance for talking about this. he sees it as too trivial. in the past we have had meaningful talks about it but he is now fed up with my nagging about it and has started to feel like I am invading his privacy, not supporting him through this rough time in his life, and being accusatory and selfish. I agree that I am acting this way but when that obsessive jealously takes hold its almost like I dont care. I know that sounds terrible, and i dont want to be that way, but its how i feel.
Answered in 38 minutes by:
3/8/2016
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 797
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Good morning. I would like to help you. If you don't mind I would like to take a few minutes to thoroughly respond to your question. Please bare with me. Thank you for putting so much detail into your question :)

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First, Thank you for being so vulnerable in asking your question. Pornography in a relationship can be a very difficult topic and it can create a problem on its own, even if both of you were watching it together. You've read up on pornography and you recognize how it really can create an addiction in a person. It tends to make the other partner incredibly insecure and question their own worth or attractiveness. It is common for the partner to feel that they are no longer satisfying their partner and that they are going to another source for gratification. I am telling you these things, because I want to normalize some of your feelings. I have many women that come to me in the clinic regarding this concern. It is not as simple as just accepting it..... I understand how you are feeling about "nagging" and I actually commend you for externalizing your concerns rather than allowing them to build up into a resentment. The anxiety you may be feeling about concerns of other women or even old flames, is normal. Pornography viewing, followed by masturbation, yields the same endorphin release as a substance abuse and can be addicting. It can grow into a much larger problem... it is sort of a "slow fade" into the abyss. It may start with pictures, then videos, etc. It provides instant gratification for men and women who view.

I encourage you to process the issue with him, demonstrating ownership of your role. Something like, "hey babe, I know I have been talking incessantly about this porn stuff, but I am hopeful that we can talk about it without anger or anxiety. I want to tell you why the concern exists for me. I feel insecure in my own role and I know that you say it has nothing to do with your happiness in our sex life, but I am having a hard time stopping these thoughts that come into my mind. I may need some reassurance, without negative reactions from you. I sort of need some insight or maybe your perspective so that I can understand it more. I am empathetic to you for all of the stress that you have been under and I don't want to add to it, but I know that if we dont talk about it, my mind will absolutely go haywire."

Obviously, you dont have to be verbatim, but that could be a suggestion :)

Also, I am correct in assuming that he was keeping this topic to himself? not telling you about it when he looked at it? So, I wonder if he feels a bit guilty for hiding it and then when it was brought out into the open, he became defensive? He may have even turned the table on you a bit, to make you feel guilty? In conflict, we at times tend to do that..... normal defensive tactic.

And as far as your jealousy...... I am gong to send you a few helpful links....

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-files/200805/jealousy-is-killer-how-break-free-your-jealous-feelings

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/03/04/8-healthy-ways-to-deal-with-jealousy/

But also think of this..... is jealousy a typical pattern of response for you? If it is, it is based on anxiety and insecurity about a fear of being rejected or abandoned. You will have to be able to combat these thoughts with more affirmative ones-- like a positive self-worth. A woman that I highly recommend is Louise Hay. I am going to send you one more link to address positive self-talk and affirmations :)

http://www.louisehay.com/affirmations/

I hope that this has been helpful and that you will take the time to please accept the answer and provide a positive rating! Feel free to continue communicating if needed. The positive rating or accepted answer does not mean that we have to stop chatting, it simply ensures that credit will be received for the services provided.

You can ask for me specifically as CounselorJules if you feel that this has been helpful!

Best wishes, Julie~

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thanks Julie. I will have a look at these links and see if they help.
The problem with bringing the issue up again is that I have basically said what you suggested 100 times. It has gotten to the point now where he will get mad even if I bring it up in a positive way (for eg. i told him I read up on it and got more used to the idea and this set him off again because he feels that I am being obsessive and that I wont let it go.) I really feel that bringing it up again is not an option after he has agreed to stay with me on the condition that I drop it and work on my insecurities.He does hide it from me, but he used to be quite open about it. I only began to develop jealousy for it as our relationship progressed and I got more emotionally attached to him. He has made a comment before that he feels I tricked him into thinking I had no insecurities about that stuff but then completely changed. I feel that hes right in a way, because I have had the same trouble with past boyfriends, so i knew going in that I might have this problem again. however I feel that it was more a case of me being genuinely optimistic that I could deal with it better this time back when we met, rather than a case of me being purposefully deceptive. I do feel awful because he has only started to hide it now out of respect for me as I have started to complain about seeing it but this has only made me even more paranoid.
However now that I have thought about even worse situations (such as keeping pictures or videos of real-life exes) I feel like porn is the lesser of two evils seeing as it only involves strangers, and I actually hope that thats all he uses now. I feel the need to establish a boundary with him such as occasional viewing of pre-recorded porn is ok, but anything involving people you can contact (ie camgirls) or people you know in real life is not ok with me. However I really feel that I cant bring it up yet again so I dont know what to do.
I am trying to tell myself that he probably already knows that keeping nude pictures of ex girlfriends is not something someone in a relationship should do, and that I dont need to bring it up because he wouldnt be doing it, but now that it has crossed my mind that theres a possibility he might not share that opinion I feel crazy about it. I am considering bringing it up as lightly as possible in the context of the show I was watching and just make a comment that I would not be ok with that. However I feel like I might not be satisfied until I hear him say that he doesnt do that, so I am worried it will descend into me asking directly and him being triggered to be defensive and associate this with yet another resurfacing of the same argument as the porn one. Do I need to just let it go? Even if he has them he would probably say no and i would never know for sure anyway, so I am trying to tell myself theres no point to bringing it up, but I dont know how to get it out of my mind and stop the incessant worrying
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I just wanted to add that I feel deep down that I will not feel ok unless he agrees to stop viewing porn and deletes it all, however he is extremely stubborn on this topic because he feels like it is very controlling of me to ask what he does in his private time and unrealistic to expect him to only think of me. He says that he has a very high libido and shouldnt have to wait until I am around (we dont live together) as long as he isnt cheating, and that it is just a tool that he uses as a visual stimuli is quicker than not having one. I can see his point but I am still slightly annoyed that he has no flexibility at all on the idea of going without porn for my peace of mind. However there are so many other good things about him and I am still very happy with our sex life so I dont feel like its a deal breaker at this point and I would really like to be able to not feel jealous about it. I dont think he has an addiction because there are times when i spend days at his place and he never sneaks away to do it or asks me to leave, in fact hes usually more inclined to ask me to stay longer, but if I do leave I believe he will usually do it then. If i didnt bring it up though, i wouldnt know he does it, thats how little it affects our relationship. its really just the knowledge that he does which bothers me. thats why i feel like itd just be easier not to care. this may sound silly but has hypnosis ever been able to help with jealousy or insecurities? I have heard of it helping with smoking and weight loss.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Also I would like to rate you but it says "finish by rating" and I dont want to finish chatting just yet, i havent made an account so im worried it will navigate away from the page and i wont be able to get back?

I want to be completely candid with you..... I strongly feel that in a healthy relationship, we have to learn to yield to others' needs. It is important that he does give you a voice and offer affirmations that will support you and help you overcome the insecurities. I am sorry that right now he is not open to this, maybe as times goes by, he will be. If he doesnt, then it really does come back down to how accepting you can be of this issue. On a scale from 1-10, this seems like it is a 10 in importance to you.... That matters. A relationship is about submission and compromise. Relationships are not easy but the troubles become CAPITALIZED when we feel invalidated..... My fear, for you, is that this issue will resurface and lead to resentment or even contempt. Dont rationalize or justify behaviors you honestly arent okay with either... I dont want you to feel that your feelings dont matter. I think if he was flexible at all, it would help you, but what is that saying, "without flexibility, you break?" I hope that his reaction to your feelings on this topic are not a sign that this is how he will respond on future issues....

As a woman, I understand your concerns about the pornography and how it can make one feel.... Also, as far as jealousy goes..... It probably is true that initially you didnt demonstrate insecurities, but as you grew closer to him, you began to let your walls down.... Your guardedness increased because you were more emotionally exposed. That is pretty normal..... it isnt a matter of deceit, it is a matter of vulnerability and honesty. No one wants to lose something or someone that we care deeply about-- that is why we protect it. Hypnosis is a great tool to overcome concerns or issues. Also any cognitive behavioral activities to help with reframing insecurities would be helpful. Do some reading on Louise Hay about affirmations. I think you would really like her work.

I dont know how you feel about spirituality, but there is a film called "Fireproof" that directly addresses pornography in a marital relationship. It may not be something that you want to watch, but it does discuss safe proofing your relationship with specific boundaries.

And you can accept the answer without worry. I can still respond and be able to chat. :)

CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
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Would you like information about Louise Hay? Or links?

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thanks Jules.
I don't know how to feel at the moment. Everyone I have spoken to about this topic has tried to support me by saying that relationships require compromise and that he should be more understanding. The thing is, when I first brought this up he was quite understanding and reassuring about it not being a meaningful thing to him and not being a reflection of his satisfaction with our relationship. He said it was something that he has done since he was a young teenager and that it is nothing personal. He has also been understanding about me not wanting to be confronted with it which is why he started to hide it away. So, in this way I feel that he has shown some flexibility and empathy for how I feel. I just think the problem lies with the fact that deep down I won't feel completely happy unless he agrees to stop watching it completely, but then I am not being flexible or yielding to his needs at all either! I don't want to be controlling. I researched this issue on forums as well as asking friends for advice and about 99% of people seemed to say that it is an extremely common thing with young men and that i shouldn't let it worry me unless it starts to become noticeable or excessive. I want to adopt this point of view, and I really don't know why I seem to care so much more than most other people seem to about it.
I have also had this same problem with every previous partner I have had, and none of them were excessive with it - one of them didn't even watch it currently, he just told me that he had in the past which was enough to upset me (I was quite a lot younger then, and this wouldnt upset me now, but at the time it was enough to change the way I viewed him and I ended the whole relationship over it). with all of my friends and even strangers on online forums telling me that they get how i feel, but it is normal and common and nothing to get upset over, I am really beginning to feel that the insecurity lies with me and that it is something i absolutely have to fix if i am to ever hold down a long term relationship. I feel that even if I found a man who didn't watch any porn at all, I would become paranoid over something else and start worrying about his private thoughts or something like that and eventually wind up in the same insecure position. I don't want to be that way!
I decided not to bring up anything else about it or about the TV program I saw that has put these new doubts in my mind. He is very unhappy at the moment due to all the stress he is under and he is very frustrated with his current living position (we both still live at home with our parents). I feel like it would be the wrong thing to do, to continue questioning him about these issues at the moment. He has expressed to me time and time again that right now he really needs somebody who is supportive and will take his mind off things and be positive around him, rather than add to the stress he is under. Because of this I feel like the only option is to try to make peace with it on my own. It is just really hard because when I think of it or feel jealous, it really is like another whole mindset takes over me, and I really stop caring about anything but making myself feel better which is usually what leads to me bringing it up and causing a fight.I would love some info about Louise Hay, thanks!
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Sorry to keep adding more I just keep thinking of more points.
When we fight over this, it often leads to him wanting to break up. He says it is too regular, that I cant let it go, that he can't be with an insecure girlfriend. He says that he isnt doing anything wrong, he isnt chatting up other girls, isnt flirting or cheating or going out partying without me, and he isnt even leaving his porn lying around for me to see anymore- all of which is true. When he says that we need to break up, its like I have a complete change of mind. I begin to feel that the things I am worried about are so trivial, and that I am losing an otherwise really great guy over something silly. I suddenly feel so depressed, genuinely regretful and very upset and desperate to get him back, so I tell him that I realise its all trivial and ask for another chance. the point I really want to stress here is that at this time, i GENUINELY do believe that and feel that way- i am not just saying things he wants to hear in order to keep him. The problem is that as soon as things have returned to normal between us, I then have a complete change of mind and start to feel, just as genuinely, that i am still not ok with it after all. It is really creating this cycle where we will be ok for a few weeks, and during that time I will be extremely happy and satisfied with him, and feel like I can see a long term future together... and then I will randomly remember some of the titles of the porn videos I saw, and it will make me feel sick and make me see him in a different light, and I will feel that burning need to bring it up with him again, and he will say "not this again, look, I really dont think this is working"... and the cycle will start all over again. :(I also want to just make a point that none of the porn I found was anything bad or illegal or particularly immoral (aside from the normal amount that porn can be seen as immoral) - there wasnt even anything particularly kinky - and in a way this makes me feel like maybe I should just count myself lucky that his private thoughts are totally normal fantasies and nothing too weird and just accept the fact that sometimes he needs to get off when I am not around and that that is the easiest way for him to do it. I wish I could just feel that way and be happy to leave it to him and not think about it again... or even be one of those super chilled out girls who doesnt mind if she comes across it on his computer and just rolls her eyes or laughs it off or something.
One of the websites that I was reading for advice made the point that men who have quite active libidos are generally very visually stimulated, and that if they dont watch porn they will more than likely just visualize a fantasy using people from their everyday life who they might find sexy. this actually made me feel glad for the porn because i would rather that than him secretly be picturing our friends or anything. I dont even want to think about going down the thought-police road because I know it is absolutely futile and will worry me a lot more, so I feel like I should just try to accept the porn because at least then I know hes only using strangers to get that gratification.
I am aware that I am coming across as extremely controlling and i feel like i am sinking into a dark place in my own head which i need to try my best not to do. I am at a point now where I go to visit him and i cant help but notice if his computer has been on or if he has left tissues on his bed and things like that. I have also been recognising signs of depression in myself lately, even when i think i am happy and feel content, because i have stopped cleaning up after myself and have started skipping my classes at uni and just generally having very low motivation to do the things i need to do.
Many people who I describe this situation to say that perhaps I just cant reconcile the way i feel about the porn and that I should leave him and try to find a man who is less into it / more willing to be flexible with what i need, but i strongly believe that I would just find something else to become paranoid and insecure about then. I was even worse than this with my first boyfriend who didnt even watch it at the time. I feel like it is this strange heirarchy of needs that i have, and once one insecurity is off the table (ie i find a man who doesnt watch porn) i will find another even worse one to worry over, like real-life flirting or cheating. but if a lesser insecurity IS on the table (like the porn thing) i will just put all of my focus into that and not worry about anything beyond it. Does that make sense?
my friends say that he is in the wrong when i go to them feeling upset.. But I always have this secret feeling that they dont know the full extent of what i do, how much i push him and harrass him over my insecurities before he reaches that point. and I know if i did it to them, they wouldnt like to be around me either. I really feel i need to change.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
would you recommend i try hypnosis in person or does it work just ass well over the internet? i have seen a few videos which claim to work for jealousy and insecurity. I also just read the articles you posted to me in your first response and they were very helpful. thanks so much

You don't have to apologize for being thorough! I appreciate the information.... This is not an easy thing to process.... I encourage you to consider this..... What does the conflict reveal about you? You say that it exposes a vulnerability.... so I would take the time and explore where the vulnerability came from? Was it feeling rejected early in relationships? Is there a sense of shame associated with sexuality or sensuality? Does it have to do with a spiritual preference. Sometimes, our spirituality feels confusing and it leads to guilt--rather than love. Which, for me, when I think about spiritual growth, my center is of "love." Does it have anything to do with feeling that your previous partners having been interested in porn, and then the change in relationship status, leads you to feel like history will repeat itself? You sound like you have a great deal of insight and you want to get through this.

Im not done with my answer, but I did want you to see that Im working on it! Im glad you read the articles!

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I encourage you to also focus on "patterns" rather than specific issues. You seem to recognize that there may be a tendency to have insecurities and focus sharply on what feels as though it is not fulfilling or you may be missing. So, what purpose does that serve you? Do you feel that you have to possibly have a few needs unmet so that you don't feel blindsided if something doesn't work out? It may actually feel like you have more control if you aren't completely content. That is not unhealthy-- its is actually a defense mechanism, but it doesn't necessarily yield the results that we want! I hope that makes sense.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/

This is a list of cognitive distortions. It is very common and I actually share this with all of my clinical clients to help them to learn to change their thinking patterns.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/fixing-cognitive-distortions//

And this is a follow up article.

But more importantly, I want to encourage you to do a bit of regression work... track that anxiety or insecurities and focus on those early wounds that led you to feel that you weren't good enough or insecure, etc.

The following link is about regression-- it is actually a blog post by someone who has recognized specific patterns on their own behaviors. It is simply an example, please dont think that I am labeling you in any way with either of the disorders identified. I just want you to read her perspective :)

https://lolasrecoverysite.wordpress.com/2012/11/09/regressive-behavior-and-bpd-ptsd/

I also think that you would benefit from hypnosis work to simply address the insecurities and understand what their etiology is. This article really highlights this! It is a good read!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/life-in-body/201409/conscious-and-unconscious-regression

Lastly.... Louise Hay. She talks often about positive self-talk and affirmations. This is a link to her website:

http://www.louisehay.com/

I have several of her books and even have one for my children to teach them at an early age how to reframe situations to focus on a more positive outcome. Here are examples.... It may feel a little odd at first, but I think if we all listened to the positives a little more often, that inner message would be more reassuring and love-focused rather than coming from a place of fear.

http://www.louisehay.com/affirmations/#

Also, listen to Teal Swan on YouTube..... Its a bit different, but if you are open-minded, you can look at her guided meditations and even videos about hypnosis. I do encourage you to try these free options before you go see a hypnotist, but I am definitely a fan of finding our higher consciousness and seeking that guidance!

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
thanks, ***** ***** look at all of those links tonight.
I definitely believe some of this is tied up in my childhood... I was a very "late bloomer" and went through my entire childhood AND teen years without receiving any romantic interest from another person whatsoever. Since about the age of 19 this has changed dramatically and I am now able to find fairly attractive boyfriends but I believe i had this fairytail notion growing up that i comforted myself with in the absence of any boyfriends ... that once I found the right person, we would only have eyes for eachother and that would be it.
I also think its difficult because, as much as my partners like to say i am in denial about it, i really dont have much outside interest in other people's looks or sexuality when i am in a relationship. I just dont care or notice. I guess I am just not that sexual. But my partners still care and notice other people's attractiveness regularly... they just think that their trustworthiness and commitment to me should be enough t make it ok. Which it should, i suppose, but it isnt, because it isnt in line with this ideal view of a relationship that I had (which I now think was very unrealistic and is going to be a pain to change).
I have heard that people can go through what I am going through as a reslult of growing up with divorce, but one of my theories is that the opposite could actually be true for me... my parents stayed together, and were extremely private about any attraction they may have had to anyone else - I have never once heard them express any interest in anybody at all. My boyfriend tried to explain to me that the way he acts is normal by giving me the example that his dad will comment on the attractiveness of the cheerleaders on TV at the football games, and his mum will just respond by laughing and playfully slapping his arm or something - but to me that is totally alien behaviour. It sounds great, and i WISH i could be so not bothered by those things, but it is just not at all how i feel or how my family behaved whatsoever during MY childhood. Do you think there could be some relevance in that?
Also, on the regression article that you posted i notice one of the points is "crying easily", and i cry SO easily at any form of conflict... it is really embarrassing and i have always been that way. any advice on how to stop that would also be great!

First, dont beat yourself up over having an idea of what an ideal relationship would be for yourself. I think that boundaries are important and I dont think that it is too much to ask for someone to be respectful of your requests. A man commenting on a woman's attractiveness and it bothering you, does not mean that you are insecure.... it may be, just as you said, a different modeling of relationships growing up. Do think about what fits into that "black and white" thinking pattern-- all right or all wrong.... that isnt a healthy approach.

And your childhood sounds like you were modeled sounds like it was very respectful and considerate. I think that is wonderful. It demonstrates a reverence to your spouse and a respect regarding their wishes. We can create insecurities in others by our own actions. I do really want you to read up on boundaries and it may help you understand this more.

As far as being tearful at times, I think we have a spectrum of emotions and it is a nice thing to be abel to demonstrate these rather than blocking them. Don't feel like it is a weakness. Think of your ability to be vulnerable as a sincere and honest expression. I am going to send you a link that I would like for you to read. I love this website! I think it puts things into a clear perspective!

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/5-ways-to-deal-with-emotional-oversensitivity/

Also there is a quote that I love.... "What you permit, is what you promote." I want you to think about this a bit. See if it fits into any area of your life that you may want to change.....

And lastly, here is a website for boundaries!

http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/setting-boundaries/

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi Jules,
unfortunately I think it is too late after all. My boyfriend seems to have developed a huge amount of resentment and contempt for me following all the arguments we have been having :( every little thing i say or do that annoys him he will now get angry at me for. I think we will have to break up :(

Gosh.... I am so sorry. Take your time and be patient with yourself.... If you will give me a bit, I will be able to more thoroughly respond with maybe a few tips.....

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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/25/breakup-advice-_n_5884046.html

This is just a little article that I think could be helpful

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thanks Jules.
I don't know what is going to happen yet. He is at the point where even though I have let the previous argument go, now every little thing I do is setting him off. Today we were going to have a fun day out and I told him to hurry up with his coffee so that we could get going, and I did not feel at all serious or emotionally invested in the comment, it was just a comment because i was keen to get moving, but he took it as nagging and whinging and it set him off into a terrible mood. I feel terrible because he is not usually like this, he is usually very cheerful and funny and a lot of fun to be around. I feel like i have totally crushed his spirit and changed him into this cold, angry person by harrassing him beyond belief about my insecurities. I feel like this is what I have done before to other guys. I feel like a really terrible person who just comes into peoples lives, ruins everything for them and then leaves. I still want to work things out and try to get back to normal, but he is telling me he wants to be left alone :( This has happened so many times before that i doubt there is any hope in fixing things, but even if we do, i doubt there is any point.. because i feel like his resentment for me builds each time :(
Also just wondering, are these conversations private on this website? Or is there any way to make them hidden? I recommended the site to a friend of mine for an unrelated matter that she is dealing with, but i wouldn't really want her to come across this. I know it is anonymous but i think somebody who knew me well would be able to tell from the content.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi Jules,
I am not sure if you are still there, but I don't know what to do and i really need help. I went over to his place to try to sort things out. Everything was going well, but while I was there he was checking his email. I wasn't snooping over his shoulder or anything, he has his laptop permanently hooked up to his TV so he can surf the internet from sitting on his bed, so it was right in front of me and hard to miss. I saw a recent email in his onbox from a porn site confirming his subscription. I felt annoyed but as I had agreed to drop the porn issue, I didn't bring it up with him. I did however go to the website on my phone and it was live webcam shows and sex chat. I felt absolutely disgusted in him after all that we have been through and after all of his protests about it being totally innocent, so i brought it up. I asked him if he still considered us together and said that I saw the email and that live porn wasnt ok with me. He admitted he had been on the site and tried to sign up but he said he hadn't gone through with the subscription because you had to pay. he said he only did it a few days ago when we had had a fight which had ended in us saying we would break up and that he did it out of anger and out of an attempt to get over the breakup. He also offered the information that he had signed up to a dating site on that day in the heat of anger, but had deleted his profile soon afterwards.
I just dont know how to feel about this. I told him that, just for the record, I consider any live porn beyond the limits of what I feel ok with. He got angry at me and said that there was no difference, that it was stupid of me to feel that way because he still wasnt interacting with anybody personally, and that he doesnt agree with how I feel about it. but he still agreed not to do it, However he did follow up this statement with "but if you didn't go through my computer you would never know what i do, and its none of your business." He also said that he will just start unplugging his laptop from the TV so I cant see what websites hes been on. I know that he is trying to maintain his right to privacy, but I don't know if I really trust him anymore :( I am starting to feel like his interest in porn does go a bit into the realms of excessive, because I do not know anyone else who signs up to sites, uses multiple sites, keeps downloads in a folder and argues for his right to use live porn if he so wishes when there are millions of prerecorded videos he could easily use. It just feels like it is a bit too important to him somehow and it is actually quite a turn off for me.
Aside from anything, the fact that he went and did that "in anger" so quickly doesn't feel like a good sign of what is to come in the future of the relationship.
He has also said some pretty nasty things to me lately, blaming me for his current position and saying that i ruined everything, that i am poisonous. On the other hand maybe I should have just been happy with the fact that we get along and not pryed into his private habits.
We have not yet officially broken up but it feels to me that it is really the only thing to do. However I still have this terrible depressed feeling when I think about ending it and start to feel desperately like i want to stay with him. I just dont know what to do.

If you would like, I can talk on the phone. I do think that there are some signs that you may want to consider the future of the relationship through a different lens. I will be happy to speak over the phone about it, because then we can get a bit more personal..... I know that it is really late/ super early there, but we can arrange a specific time.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
It is just a bit awkward for me because I still live with my parents in a fairly small house and I wouldnt want them to hear all this if I was talking on the phone. I also dont have much money if the phone call costs extra

Oh, i totally understand. I want to provide you information as well as privacy. We can process here though.

I think that you are being given specific patterns that you may want to consider. I see a bit of manipulation in how he turns everything on you. You cant control his choices-- so whatever his actions have been-- have been because he chose them. He chooses to look at the porn, chose to sign up online, chose to react with anger rather than empathy, and chose to insult your insecurity. I have worked with several couples that have fallen apart because of what starts as a bit of porn viewing-- it goes much deeper than one realizes. It gains momentum...

If you feed something it grows-- he is choosing to feed this habit....

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi jules, I went over to his place today with the intention to break up and i was planning to explain to him that he is too invested in porn for what i am comfortable with. However when i got there, he was all cheerful for the first time in ages, and was about to go out to apply for work, and i didnt want to bring up the argument again so I just left it. we ended up going out for lunch and having quite a nice day, so now i am confused all over again. I did bring it up a little, not to break up with him, but I just told him that his mood lately has been making it difficult to trust him because i feel like if he doesnt care how i feel then he is just going to do what he wants regardless of whether or not its something ive said im not ok with. He didnt like me bringing it up and he gave me a list of all the other stressors he has on him at the moment and said "please, PLEASE just lay off about this until I at least get through the other stuff im going through." I can see his point but at the same time i feel like thats basically a free pass for him to do whatever he wants and I'm not allowed to ask about it.
He did agree not to watch or participate in any of those live webcam things but he did also express that he doesnt agree that it constitutes cheating, so I feel like he might not take that agreement very seriously as he doesnt see anything really wrong with it. He told me that he sees it as cheating if he engages with them but if he just watches it its the same as watching any other pre recorded video. I am not sure how i feel about this. Do you think that sounds reasonable or is it different? Either way just the fact that this is such an issue and the fact that hes now giving his email address to sites makes me feel that hes in way too deep with it.
I am just really confused because all of the friends i have asked for advice have told me they feel like i should dump him if im uncomfortable with it but at the same time they have said that their boyfriends look at porn regularly and that it doesnt bother them. I just dont know what to do. When I am alone it really bothers me but when I go to see him and hes acting like his old self it makes me feel like i am over reacting, that i have caused this by snooping on his computer in the first place, and that i dont want to lose him. :(
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi Jules,
I could not get over it so I went onto the website that he said he was on and did what he said he did - signed up until the point of payment and then cancelled- and i did NOT recieve the same membership confirming email that he had. So, i believe he was lying about cancelling, and i believe he signed up fully and paid for the website.
I called and said we had to talk about it, that i couldnt just sweep it under the rug anymore, and he said "i cant believe you. we are over, dont call me again" and hung up
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I really messed up. After he hung up I sent a few quite scathing messages implying that he is way too invested in porn and making out like he was a bit sick or pathetic (i was very angry and feeling very hurt). he called back and yelled at me that he just checked his email to see what im talking about and that he had in fact recieved multiple emails from different websites hes never been on because they are affiliated with one very popular commonly used porn site which he is signed up for... and that he does not use live cams because he knows how i feel about it and that he only ever watches the stuff we have agreed is ok. I checked it out and i actually think he might be telling the truth, the site he mentioned is a huge network and it is affiliated with the one he had those emails from so he probably hasnt been on it. he sounded like he was telling the truth over the phone as well. I feel like if i understood this earlier i could have been ok with it. However it is now too late because he is so mad at me, he has deleted me from facebook and deleted my phone number and told me never to contact him. I still feel that his inability to communicate has led to this happening because he waits til the last minute to yell his explaination down the phone at me rather than talk about it calmly with me to sort it out in the first place. However i now also feel horrible and wish i could take back all the snooping i did and horrible things i said because as it turns out he actually probably has only been watching normal porn a normal amount and i have just been so paranoid about it i have made it into a huge issue and basically ended up breaking up my own relationship
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi Jules
Just wanted to say thanks for all your help. we have decided to call it quits as it wasnt working and i am feeling a little better now. thanks for helping me have some clarity on these issues
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