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I need help with a grief counselor.

I need help with a grief counselor.
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3/6/2016
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
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Hi. I would like to be able to help you. Would you please provide more information so I can help you with your question?

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Sure. I have had 9-10 major life losses since 2010. Progressed from mild anxiety and depression, to PTSD and major depression. Core is Divorce, false allegations, obsessive long term parental alienation, all such senseless harm to everyone involved, kids, family, self, others...😓

Thank you for the additional information. I appreciate you being willing to share. Grief can progress into post traumatic stress disorder if we aren't able to pause and process. First, I will give you a bit of information regarding the grief cycle. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally a sense of acceptance. I don't want to be redundant in my answer or provide information that you are already aware of. Are you familiar with this cycle or would you like me to proceed in explaining more in depth?

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I am familiar
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
What do you do with multiple, overlapping, perpetual life loses or traumas. For example...

I'm glad you have familiarized yourself with the process already. I'm curious as to how the initial loss has perpetuated or impacted the future traumas? Is there a correlation between the losses-- meaning do you feel that you were able to work through the initial loss before the following trauma? It seems that the further we are healed from an initial loss, the more successful we will be in overcoming the next. Our success and coping is also impacted by our thought patterns. As a trauma specialist, I have found that most people experience trauma triggers, which lead us back to the very beginning and fill us with despair and at time hopelessness-- especially one that begins to create an internal message of "it is never going to get better." This in turn affects our self-worth, creates fears, and even a negative filter on how we process events. We tend to try to create a reason or justification for these events and we take an ownership and engage in self-blame.

So, I first ask you, what are the internal thoughts that drive your feelings, and then behaviors? We call these "triangles" and we have to look at how we process events or situations, or even ourselves.

Would you mind giving me any information about your internal processes so I can help you work on reframing these?

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Also, before you respond.... Please check this link and give me an idea of what seems familiar to you.

http://hubpages.com/health/Characteristics-of-Trauma-effected-people

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
1- 9/26/11 found out wife of 14 years was having an affair with a mutual friend at church.2- ex remarried. Her new husband SWAT team when My current wife and I tried to deliver medicine to my 12 yo son. Police 911 dispatch recorded his request to shoot me as my wife and I sat in the car allegedly "Stalking his property.3- Ex' new husband is in real estate, and illegally filed Forclosure on my home when my support payment was 2 weeks late.4- I was falsely accused of molesting my 14 year old daughter at my 12 yo sons soccer game in the middle of the day on the bleachers with over 100+ people around. Evidence? Three pictures of me sitting on bleachers talking to daughter. Police refused, CPS refused, so judge was called for an emergency hearing. Looked at the photos, and removed my custody for 10 days until kids could be interviewed. LCSW of court interviewed son and daughter and their was no outcry of any kind, " No abuse physical, mental, or sexual. Both describe close loving relationship with father. Mr Doe was criminalized in the eyes of his children for attending that day. Charge was filed within one week on father requesting modification to "Standard" child support and custody. "Judge finally ruled that the allegations "lacked factual foundation, lacked credibility, and are false." Exact words from criminal law statute in divorce.5 Lost VERY successful business due to lawsuits.6 had to file bankruptcy to pay legal defenses7 diagnosed with MDD, PTSD8 Assaulted by exes new husband9 Ex lost motion to take lift geographical restriction to move*****or 11hr flight away10 despite hearing 1/2016 I was notified by member of her church that she was planning on taking the kids about I've state for the purpose of relocating. Kids told not to tell me to avoid "drama"11 Ongoing sever obsessive parental alienation and disregard for decreePS forgot to put in 10 months of sonnet treatment as she said she was needing space to decide what to do.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Silent treatment

Oh my goodness. I am sorry I am just responding. I was unavailable for a few moments due to poor internet service whilst traveling.

You have been dealing with so much. If you don't mind, I want to take a few moments and process how I can best help you to go forward. Thank you for all of the information. I want to formulate an in-depth answer so that I can respond thoroughly.

Please bare with me for a moment.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Please take your time... This didn't happen overnight. My daughter (17) was just alienated to the point of refusing visitation, going on 26+ days...My soul feels raw, heartbroken, soul broken😔

First, I do want to commend you on being a good father. How painful it must have been to be accused of these allegations. You are dealing with narcissists. Dealing with people who are setting out to destroy you rather than accepting their own responsibilities. People of that nature tend to make themselves look like victims, and tend to constantly try to justify their own actions. That compounds the trauma of divorce in general. It is hard to cope with divorce when you have children and you never expected to have to share your time with them. I know, first hand, how that feels. Second of all, you are correct in recognizing the legacy of how the divorce has affected you. I am glad that you have been able to remarry and begin a new life. I hope that your new marriage with your partner has been more healthy and supportive. It sounds like if you guys have been able to get through these hardships, you must have a pretty solid foundation. I don't think people always realize the legacy of an affair and a divorce continues to affect them. I am so sorry that you have not been able to heal or co-parent because of the actions taken by your ex-wife and her new husband. It may even feel like she continues to control everything because of the manipulation and patterns of betrayal.

What legal actions can be taken if she is in contempt for moving? i am sure that you have explored that?

Also, I wonder if your children have been conditioned to comply to the haughtiness because of fear. The sad thing is, and maybe the mother is too arrogant to realize it, that those children need to have a healthy relationship with you. They need to see positive role models, not those that use unhealthy ways to have their needs met. It sounds to me that your children could be afraid to disappoint their mother or even step-father because they realize that there will be consequences. Your 17 year daughter may be projecting anger towards you, in hopes that she will receive some sort of approval. I would be curious as to what the interactions have been between them, including conversations, etc. It is very irresponsible on the mother's part to alienate your children. I can understand the feelings of despair you are having. Being a parent, means putting your kids' needs before your own-- especially their emotional security. It is sad that this has not been allowed.
What community or spiritual support do you have at this time? Did you find that others turned their back on you while these situations have been occurring?

I am not completely finished with my answer. But please read this article and give me a response:

http://www.breakthroughparenting.com/PAS.htm

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Other links that you will find helpful may be these:

http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/types-alienators.html

http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/obsessedalienator.html

http://www.parental-alienation.info/publications/30-howcanoneovetheproofachiagaapar.htm

Also, I believe that her attempts to alienate you, say more about your ex-spouse's own unresolved abandonment issues. I believe we are driven by two emotions-- love or fear-- she is afraid of the children being close to you. I wonder if she has unresolved guilt about the affair or her actions, but rather than taking ownership, she demonstrates anger and resentment toward you. That may make her feel safe-- kind of like how a bully works.

Back to when I was mentioning triangles and thought process; In times of trauma, our brains go through a re-wiring and we form new patterns of thinking. We have to use cognitive therapy techniques to battle these. In cognitive therapy, "restructuring" involves changing something negative you typically say to yourself with a more positive statement. For example, based on your current situation you may constantly tell yourself, "My child doesn't love me anymore and never wants to see me again." Try altering that statement to, "My child still loves me and wants to see me, but he is painted into a corner and is doing what she thinks she has to do in order to survive an experience that is as painful for her as it is for me." She may see your ex-wife as the parent in control, and tends to yield to her own fears.

Some days, no amount of restructuring or thought replacement will help you overcome the pain and heartbreak of parental alienation. You don't have to fight the feeling, but you can make a deal with yourself. Give yourself permission to sing the blues for a set period of time - for example, until dinner. In exchange for acknowledging your need to grieve the loss of a child who was wrongfully stolen away, after the self-imposed deadline do something to make yourself feel better. Then you focus on the man that you are or the husband that you are, the son that you are, the brother that you are. You engage in an activity that fulfills you. You focus on your spirituality, your strengths. You start using positive self-talk., You make a list of affirmations, etc.

Finally, the best coping mechanism for parental alienation is knowledge. Intellectually understanding parental alienation will provide an emotional anchor. You will recognize that you are not to blame for these things. You also prepare yourself for how to legally deal with challenges.

There are days when I have to repeat the serenity prayer to myself and ask for spiritual discernment. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to know the difference."
You have to decide what the truth is. You have to recognize your purpose and empower yourself with truths-- not lies based on past hurts.

I also do encourage you to talk to a pastoral staff member or a counselor more frequently to help you process your trauma. You have endured a complex trauma-- it didnt happen overnight, and wont heal overnight, but every success begins with the choice to try.

Please take the time to read the following link as well:

http://www.cic-learning.co.uk/alertnet-trauma/study/page/show/169/coping_strategies/practical_self_care

Also, your journey may be just what another man needs to hear so that he understands he is not alone or that there is a sense of universalism. Explore Celebrate Recovery Groups that may be available locally for you and your current wife.

I know that this is a lot of information, but I do hope that you will review the links. Please take the time to provide positive feedback or accept the answer. We can continue processing if necessary as well. Thank you, Julie

CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
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Satisfied Customers: 797
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
My 17 year old daughter has been alienated to what may be the point of no return. On one hand she is a victim, and on the other, she has shunned, rejected, and stonewalled my wife who she loves, and me. Turned down offers to go to eat with my mom who has cancer, her brother to come to spring break, and me. I drove a hand-written letter to her without response, my wife reached out to her to go to lunch. She has missed 16 days of visitation because her friends in similar situations told her she doesn't have to go to visitation after age 17, and her mom won't do what it takes to get her here. She has all the pro ledges in the world when she rejects me/ us. Grieving heart😓💔. Hurting soul😔😥

My goodness. I am so sorry. I can hear the hurt in your words. I am curious if your daughter has been able to go to personal counseling to have her work through this depression. I am going to send you a link or possibly several.....and you tell me if you feel that it fits....

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/teen-depression-signs-help.htm

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/teen-depression

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/teen-depression/symptoms-causes/dxc-20164556

I am hearing isolation, irritability, withdrawal, defiance, etc.

I wonder if you had the legal support or even mediation to encourage processing this with a social worker or counselor, if your daughter would come to a different realization. I am so sorry that your ex-wife is not being a responsible parent. Your current wife and mother are probably feeling this hurt also, and that is hard for you, especially hearing what a compassionate man that you are....

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
My current wife has a masters in emotional and behavior disorders, applied behavior analysis, and is a certified transition therapist, and behaviorist. We are both in tears. Rejected, outcast, heartbroken, hurt. I love more deeply than most. I attempted to reconcile my marriage for over a year and a half with no effort from my ex, she just "checked out"Spring break starts tomorrow, I am leaving to Utah with my other six children to visit my childhood home in Evergreen Colorado followed by four days of skiing to days of shopping I skating and fun. I hand-delivered a hand written letter to my daughter at school to the office she came up and got it and I don't know if she ever read it, my current wife who is her best friend and confidant who could she can tell anything to reached out to her on text and by calling the school, and she is told the school attendance officer that she would not under any condition call or go with us. The coparenting meeting we had was contentious at best with my ex-wife telling all of the reasonwhy she could not get my daughter to attend visitation, and the counselor and I giving her solution after solution that she "did not think was best".The only take away from the meeting was that we should try to get Avery into parental reunification counseling, my ex thought that that was not a good idea because she said that my daughter refused this also. Later that day my ex sent me a message stating that she has gotten permission to send my daughter to counseling through our church and have the church cover five sessions for my son and daughter. The only problem with that is according to Dr. ***** ***** MD and Linda Gotlieb LMFT in instances of severe parental alienation, counseling by professionals they do not have a subspecialty and parental alienation inevitably ends in catastrophic failure.Luckily there is a high-ranking member in my church that is a PhD in psychotherapy who recommended The same counselor that my coparenting facilitator dead, a woman that specializes in parental alienation.What I was told by a previous parental alienation counselor who ended up not being able to cancel my child was that I did not need to have parental reunification because access to my child is parental reunification, I simply needed access to my child restored so that reunification could naturally occur. She indicated that coparents that live close to each other… Parental alienation does not work, the kids simply have too much interaction with both parents.So my question is, she is 17 years old this last January, has heard from friends that she does not have to attend because she is 17 years old, and in my perspective I have three or four options.One – today pick her up from her home with law-enforcement and force her to go on this ski trip for 11 days. Obviously there is a fine line and parenting. On one hand I do not want to "force" her to do anything as that is not what God does to us as his children, and on the other hand, perhaps forcing her could prevent a long drawnout expensive parental reunification process and or family court motion for contempt and enforcement.Two - I have truly done everything that I know how to do, I have reached out to her by every means possible, my wife has, her brother has, my son says that his mother has which I have a hard time believing, even her stepsiblings have asked her to come. So I let it go for spring break, do not call the sheriff to enforce the decree at the doorstep of my former spouse's house after school when she skips and rides the bus home, and after we return arrange counseling with the counselor that has a subspecialty in parental reunification and the parental alienation.Three - continue to try to persuade my attorney to write my ex-wife's attorney a letter requesting him to clarify for my ex-wife and my daughter that the age that she is required to attend visitation is until she is 18 years old. Then it comes from their attorney, to their mom and I'm not the bad guy.4- or follow the Council of a church friend to not force her to do anything, invite, and be patient and persuasive at helping her to see the way, but don't force. If she doesn't come, keep my role as a father that loves his children, his wife, and family. Let her have her role as a mother that loves her husband, her kids and family, and file a motion for contempt and enforcement and let the judges job be to determine a remedy. Again, if I request a motion for enforcement, I will most definitely be painted as the bad guy again, trying to get back at their mother etc.This is complex, yes. Please help me with the right answer. Perhaps you can look on YouTube A segment by Dr. Miller and Gotlieb on "why courts don't recognize parental alienation". It is two doctors educating a parental alienation task force composed of judges, attorneys, counselors etc. There is a six minute summary, at a 41 minute version. Both at the top of their fields relative to parental
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Reunification.I need help, I can't do this alone. Even my wife said that you seem like one of the best counselors that she has ever worked with. Kind, compassionate, you get it, etc.Help🙏😔

Thank you so much for your response. I want to help. If you don't mind, I want to take a bit to look through the YouTube website that you suggested and provide a response. You have thoroughly thought through your options, and what a bonus to have such a compassionate wife! God really knew what you needed. He's amazing in that way.... I will be back with hopefully some suggestions soon! Thank you!

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
http://youtu.be/5fgRJh26Jho
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
http://youtu.be/4N1sj8zOtXU
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
This is the letter that I had hand-delivered to my daughter. I don't know if she ever read it.Dear abc,I want you to know that I am sorry that my response hurt you when I found out that communication from me to you had been blocked,... BUT I love you as much as I ever have.I am mindful of the many struggles that you're going through in your life. I reflect on our long talks, dinners, and laughter often, I miss that closeness, and am sad you have turned from me rather than towards me. Please know I have not turned away from you. I will always set time apart to be there for you as long as I live, time to listen and hear your needs.... and that will NEVER change. When you need a safe place to turn to, you will ALWAYS find me with a smile, and open loving arms despite ANY past mistakes.I Love you,P.S. Remember, I love you always. I am here for you to turn towards no matter what, and I will always be here with a smile, and open loving arms despite ANY past. XODad

Wow. Thank you for sharing that letter. My heart is heavy.... I see the love you have for your family.

I was able to watch one of the videos. It is funny that he said "pathological enmeshment." I was thinking about that when you said how close your ex-wife and daughter are.... I am going to send you some information related to "family systems" that further addresses this. It may be insightful. Also, I do think you are in your own double bind situation where you feel so stuck..... On one hand, forcing your daughter could affect the interactions of the trip and the other members of the family; the other thing is if she knows you go, she chooses not to be included, she may rationalize her feelings and say "see you don't need me there anyway. You have a family."

Legally, until a court states that she does not have to attend, and she does not come, contempt is occurring. The thing about that is, your daughter may grow in resentment toward you and it can cause further harm for the future of the relationship.

There are definite personality traits possessed by your ex-wife that enable your daughter's resistance. She probably feels justified in her actions to alienate you because "it is what my daughter wants." Well, 17 year old girls, don't have the maturity or capacity to make those decisions. Emotionally and biologically they haven't developed enough to be "adultified" just as the expert in the video suggests. This has been ingrained in your daughter unfortunately for quite some time, and during very formative years. But her judgment and insight are poor, simply due to her developmental stage.

I have more to provide, but I am working on the answer. I have clinic appointments this morning, but I am going to be formulating a response for you throughout the day. I just did not want you to think I put it aside.

http://www.disabled-world.com/disability/blogs/enmeshment.php

http://www.sunrisertc.com/enmeshed-parents-and-teens/

And this article specifically:

http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/rybick00.htm

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thank you so much, did I mention that every single point they bought up matches us up to and including fault reports of child misconduct… And my wife has my daughter of 17 years old sleeping with her for emotional support!!! And discuss is whether or not her current husband still loves her, or if she should divorce him...

You really do need a specialist to at least counsel with whichever counselor you go to. They will need to understand the depth of these issues.

I am curious....It sounds like your ex-wife may be incredibly jealous of how everything has worked out for you. You found a new love and her marriage doesn't sound healthy. She may be intimidated to allow your daughter into your life because your daughter may have a glimpse of s healthy family system and this will totally discredit mother's attempts to vilify you? The ex wife truly does have the borderline or narcisstic traits that a typical alienating parent possesses.

Her actions are very abusive!

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Parental alienation is Abude, false allegation of child abusers is child abuse, attempting to move out of state without me knowing is abuse...

You're exactly right. And it is such a shame to see this occur. I wonder if the only way that your daughter will recognize these patterns is when she is completely away from her mother-- such as when she attends college. I hope that she wont pass on the opportunity in fear of staying to meet the emotional needs of mom. Has she mentioned much about this?

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https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/promoting-empathy-your-teen/201103/what-do-when-your-teen-has-gone-over-thirty-days-without

this is an interesting read.....

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Another great article that I found.....

http://www.fact.on.ca/Info/pas/tfer03.htm

Im trying to find resources for you that specialize in parental alienation treatment:

http://paradigmmalibu.com/teen-parental-alienation-treatment/

http://parentalalienationsupport.com/2010/08/23/offsetting-parental-alienation-teenagers-tactics/

http://www.paawareness.org/

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Let me process these...wow

Sure, let me know what you think.....

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http://www.paawareness.org/reunification-letters.asp

A hopeful resource.....

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I was in soul shock today. So hurt and raw. I think you are a natural at this

What have decided about the trip?

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
We are going without her. She has completely stonewalled everybody with the exception of her mother.

I know it is painful, but you know what you have offered her. She is choosing not to accept it. You will have a wonderful time with those around you. Try to focus on making those memories.....I am sorry.....

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi again
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
My daughter ran away :(

Oh no!! Was this last night? Did she go to her mother's? If she has a phone you can check her location if her apps are enabled. I've had clients run away, and even at that age, you can get the sheriff's department to "ping" her phone usage and look for locations based on the cell tower use. You may have to wait 24 hours.

Are you the primary custodian? I can't remember.....

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I'm so glad you snswered
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
😓😓😓😓😓

Of course :)

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
The pain is so Dee
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Deep

Have you heard from her at all? If you have any access to social media or her networking, I would start there. If you know her iTunes account password, you should also be able to log in on a desktop and do some research about who she has talked to. Unless she is using an app to text, you should be able to see her conversations.

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I cannot imagine..... I am so sorry. Was there any kind of indication that this was brewing?

You have to remember though, that you are not to blame. You have offered your daughter a safe environment and a relationship within the family system that is compassionate.

Have you spoken to your ex wife?

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
How can we talk?
Phone call session started

I am so sorry.....My phone is about to switch over.....

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Okay :) I will be in sessions throughout the day in the clinic but I can make arrangements to call between those or during a lunch period. We are in the same time zone, so that shouldn't be an issue!

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Technology Assisted Counselor; or E-counselor

And I will send you some links about what is available to use in Texas.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Hi, I am getting ready to send a letter to my daughter. I haven't spoken with her or been able to speak with her since January 7, 2016. I want to speak to her heart as a 17-year-old, but I don't have that much practice. I got a temporary number to send from, and it may be the only message I get through to her, so I wanted to get your feedback… 😓...My sweet Avery,You feel so so far away... It's been so very long. I wonder if you remember that I love you no matter what has happened... That I am always here for you to turn towards to with big smiles, and open loving arms.I am sorry for not always being the perfect Dad. I'm so sad that you felt you had to turn away from Connie and I rather than towards us, BUT we haven't turned from you, we are here with so much love for you, and missing you even more.I miss on our long talks at Macaroni Grill, laughing together as we shopped for just the perfect thing, and made fun of everything else. I miss that closeness, we all miss the parts of you that we have grown to know and love... Connie and I, Billy, Grandma, Lucy😿, and so many others.We are here for you right now, and always... to take time to listen, to laugh, and to hear your feelings.... Remember, please remember that will NEVER change. When you need a safe place, your Dad and Connie are praying you'll come home to open loving arms despite ANY past mistakes. Avery, I love you just the way you are, we all do. We miss you with all our hearts, please call, come home...Love you,Dad
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Oops, I forgot to Reback personal names and information, I need to probably have about last message locked… Sorry 😳
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Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

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