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It's regarding seeing a separated man, without a finalised

divorce JA: Thanks. Can you give...
it's regarding seeing a separated man, without a finalised divorce
JA: Thanks. Can you give me any more details about your issue?
Customer: Him- Married 3 yrs, separated (she moved out) 1.5 yrs. Volatile relationship (she had alcohol issues and possibly some psych issues as well, or so he claims). He met me, 6 month ago, started dating, seriously. Mentioned moving in with me, but we have not done this yet. Have discussed his divorce, but tells me he can not afford this yet as he lost all his money when they marital home was sold. He has started earning a good wage in the last 3 months. He met up with her to sign divorce papers, but she refused to sign, then insisted on staying in his hotel room for the night, he tells me she was too drunk to drive home, and he didn't want her to have an accident. He also told me that they had separate beds. He rang me from hotel foyer while she was asleep, I was angry and demanded he get a separate room. She would not sign, and he left her home town livid with her. Posted some stuff about her publicly on Facebook, that he was angry. Then everything OK for a month. Out of the blue i find out that he included her as his wife on his medical insurance that he gets with his new job, because she can't afford it, and has agreed to have counselling if he pays. Still says he can't afford divorce. She now changes name on Facebook back to married name (previously had been her maiden name). I get upset but he attempts to justify that he wants to at least help her, since he feels bad about the marriage failing. Everything OK for a bit. Recently, (he works away from home 2 weeks at a time, but we use life 360 so we know where each other are), when on Skype i see he is wearing his old wedding band. He says it was an accident and isn't sure why he did it- wasn't thinking? This happens again a couple weeks later and i demand that he puts the band in the bin immediately- he does this on Skype. I get upset, and he asks if i still love him. I say 'mostly' but i'm upset. He says he loves me, but mostly is not good enough, i have made him angry and we should take a couple days. After a day he says he does not want to fight with me. Yesterday, his ex wife changes her Facebook profile pic to one of her and him. Yesterday i saw him, and he says he loves me, but he will need about 2 months to get the money for the divorce.
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I want to add, that when we are together the relationship is very good and very loving. Not just sex. He gives me a lot of attention and gifts, and sends me text messages all day telling me he loves.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
is this man worth waiting for/
Answered in 4 hours by:
3/5/2016
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 798
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified

I would like to be able to help you. I am sorry that you have waited so long for a response, but I hopefully can provide some information that will provide some clarity.

Thank you for the details included in your question. I encourage you to recognize that through all of this, you don't need to doubt your self-worth or self-respect. You met a man who was in early stages of a grief pattern and processing a loss. He continues to care for his legal wife, although it seems that you guys found a great connection. It sounds like he does care for her and sees that she does need support. However, the relationship with her is not over. He will need to fully divorce and then process his grief and understand how that relationship affects him before he can be a committed and healthy partner to you. It sounds like he may be confused. The boundaries in the relationship(s) may be misleading. As a professional, I suggest considering this. He cannot completely be in a relationship with you, if he keeps a foot in his relationship with her. I encourage you to think about that. If he was committed to you, and truly loves you, he would recognize that he cannot ask you to wait on him. He can show you real evidence and actions that he is moving toward a future with you. Even after the divorce is final, there may need to be a period of waiting before he is emotionally stable to engage with you.

It is up to you on if you feel that the relationship is strong enough, but in the meantime, I encourage you to focus on the partner you want to be and if there is any gains you are realizing about yourself-- especially your empowerment and ability to assert yourself.

You sound like a caring and compassionate person who demonstrates understanding and empathy. Don't settle for someone who is less than that in return.

I hope that is helpful and you will accept that answer. If further processing is necessary, please feel free to provide more information.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thank you Jules. What do you mean though about empowerment and ability to assert myself? I should tell him that I'm not going to wait forever and I need to see papers within a certain time frame?

I really do think so. It sort of sounds like he holds all of the cards if you don't assert your needs. There is no reason why you can't approach him about your needs also. You can demonstrate an understanding, by also ask for the same respect in return.

CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 798
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
Verified
CounselorJules and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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I hope that you find some success in your approach. Go with the model of understanding his situation, but also identifying what you want, followed with a reassurance of how you care about him, but that you would like to understand how you are supposed to move forward also.

Best wishes!

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thank you for your advice. The developments since we last spoke- i really now wonder if he is ready to move forward at all. So, for a few days he told me he was deactivating his Facebook account, because he was getting weird messages. Fair enough I thought, but then given the recent history- wedding bands etc......i had a friend check on a Facebook search from her account, and sure enough she found him. So he blocked me. A few days later, he writes to me in his daily messages that he wants to reactivate his Facebook account, and for some reason Facebook has deleted half of his friends including me. Would I please re-add him. Well it looks like of his 600 friends i am the only one that 'Facebook mysteriously deleted'. I agreed, but did not let on that i knew about the block. I now see that he deleted all the pictures of us together during the block as well as our shared album. I'm hurt and offended. I think he might have done this to hide me from his wife? To prove that he has not moved on? To allow her to see his Facebook, and then to block her again after she is satisfied. This is a horrible mind game, and I'm not sure how to play it. He has blatantly lied to me, but I've not mentioned it at all because I just know it will make him angry. Is it a big deal? Maybe I should overlook this? But I don't want to be missing a big clue.....
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