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I have had only two serious boyfriend. The first guy I dated

was on and off again...
I have had only two serious boyfriend. The first guy I dated was on and off again relationship for 3&half years. We were friends for two weeks and I knew at the time he wasn't over his ex cheating on him. When we started dating, we were together 24/7. He would cook, help me with my studies and take me out to eat. I never had someone cater to me before &as I was falling for him , I became to notice him more closely & saw he wasn't over his ex gf. To find out if I was right, I downloaded an app that had a fake number to text him pretending to be her. He believed it was her texting & soon I lied as her saying I am going to expose him to me on facebook. He got really worried and came after me to tell me that his ex was trying to ruin us as I pretend to not know what he was talking about. I honestly did the app thing to tried to make him forget about his ex. From that moment on, I wanted him to know I was desirable. I never had a guy friend before, every guy I had talk with liked me more than a friend so I told him about the guys to make him jealous by showing him messages they had send me. He got really jealous and told me compromise by saying to not have opposite sex as friends. I was happy and agreed. a year later, I had found out, this girl that he was been friends with before me was his buddy again. I was furious and told him well I am going to have guys as friends than but he was more angry, he cruse at me and left while in the midst of the argument. I was really hurt so I used the app with a fake number and pretend to be a guy that he knew was interested in me. I can't remember what story I had plotted for it to work but my ex came running back to me each time. Now I was addicted to pretending to be people to make him come begging, wanting me back, waiting for hours outside my place whenever we fight bc I would pretend to be people ( either guys that he despise bc he knows they like me or his ex which he ended up hating). After a while, he became more verbally abusive, I could see that he was starting to hate coming to beg or want to work things out. He went from hurting himself to yelling at me near my face or spitting at me. So now I use the app thing to get back at him for the way he start treating me. He changed his number but it didn't stop the app. He told me if I wanted to be with him, I need to figure out a way to make people stop texting him. I didn't stop though bc each time he treated me horrible, I would do it again. Our last fight that ended in a breakup was when he was having a bad day bc he failed his exam. he was in a bad mood, I tried to cheer him up but it didn't work and he lash out at me so we got into a big fight. In the car, he said he was calling my mother, I tried getting the phone to stop him and he slap me. We never spoke since, but I think he always had a suspicion that it was me that was texting but he could never prove or maybe he didnt want to believe. what is wrong with me ? what is the root of my problem ?
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
My second ex which was most recent had happened almost the same way except when we argue, I would use a guy that I know he hates to say he will text u to pick up my things. My ex would be furious, I wanted him to be jealous to realize that he was wrong and come wanting to talk things out with me. Again it backfire of cos, it worked once or twice but after a while it doesn't. our last fight, he was pulling away and I was becoming worried and therefore wanting to hang out even more. We are doing long distance so I only got to see him for 3 weeks before I had to leave. I wanted to eat, he was annoyed because he wanted me to eat at the volunteer center we were going to but I told him it would be too long. he was grumbling and that got me upset so I kept quiet. he was quiet and when he asked is panda express okay, I didnt say anything and he still drove there all angry. I saw him angry so I lost my appetite and didnt want to eat anymore. he asked if I wanted to volunteer still but I didnt reply. As I notice we were heading in the opposite direction ,I turn to him and said arent we goin
g to volunteer, it is the only time that we actually hang out anymore. he kept quiet, I got angry and hit his windshield button and told him I want to volunteer, he look at me and said you can't get what you want. thats when I kick his car and was complaining how I felt suffocated and that I wanted to hang out with him but we are going home where we won't spend time together. Again he was silent, I got more angry. I went in the house stomping my feet, making loud noises to get his attention. when he comes to ask what the hell wrong with me, i threw paper or water bottle at his feet to tell him get away and he leave to another room. I was so angry but I couldnt claim down, I text my friend asking for help and she agree that it suck to be me so I got even more angry. the outside was so gloomy and I hated being in that house. I started to throw tennis ball in a laundry basket on purpose as he came outside to watch me and eat , he was very angry but so was I. I accidentally threw the ball and hit the widow but I look at him and he did nothing so I didn't back down. Finally he ate finish and told me to get out of the house, I told him fine. He said he was going to call my sister after we argued back and forth and I kick his trash can down. as he was about to call my sister, I slap him. he looked at me and ask did u just slap me, I replied yes and he yelled its over. I tried to pull him and he push me and slam the door. he called a hotel for me to get rid of me and he yell he cant wait for me to get out of his life. I was claim by than and did everything he had asked . After he drop me off the next day I was apologizing to him with no replies, I was punishing myself thinking how stupid of me to do that. I told him reasons after reasons why I behave that way but in all honestly there was no good reason other than the fact I felt unloved by him so I had acted out. He told me he would never forgive me three weeks later. I felt embarrassed as he ridicule me when I was depressed and asking for forgiveness. So I told my friend to text him and make a story up that it is their fault and not really me messaging him really for my ego. I know in both cases that my ex knew it was probably me writing and pretending to be these people. But I don't understand my patterns. Why I behave the way I do and I really want to change and not tolerate behaviors or manipulate the situation. what is wrong with me ? we had dated for 2 years.
Answered in 2 hours by:
3/4/2016
CounselorJules
CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 797
Experience: Licensed Professional Counselor
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I would like to be able to help you. I am sorry that you've had to wait this long for a response. Please give me a little bit of time to read thoroughly through the question so I can respond accordingly. Bare with me :)

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Okay, while reading through your statements, I recognize your patterns of behaviors. I think you recognize that these approaches are unhealthy. You probably know this, but the approach you use regarding texting someone is manipulative. I wonder what would happen if you attempted to use assertion and vulnerability rather than aggression or passive aggressive manipulation to have your needs met. The pattern of behaviors probably stemmed from a failed attempt to communicate your needs in the past. You can break the habit, but you have to take responsibility for it first. I can send more information about managing anger and learning to be assertive if you would like.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
please. I don't know if I am communicating correctly but I have tried lots before and was always getting dismiss about my emotions. For example, my recent ex, I told him that it makes me feel left out when he talks to his friends and doesnt introduce me. Instead he argues with me saying im too sensitive and that I should introduce myself. I told him I am shy but it would feel better if he at least introduce me so its like I exist too and although he complains its like I want to be the center of attention. I tried to get it across to him that I am not. In the end, we have a heart felt talk and it seem like he finally understands. A month later, he completely does the same action and he knows I would be upset. However, he will pretend that he never did anything or he would become silent. The same with my previous ex, We have long hard conversation about an action that bothers me because both of my past relationship usually want to be right and I have to continuously tell them its not right or not, its just how i feel if they can respect it. The only other person that has always disregard how I am being treated is my mother who I can't get through at it. For instance, if I tell her, please don't talk about my ex as I am trying to get over him, she will purposefully talk more about him and tell me to get over it. She never apologizes and she always has to be right. I try to stay a distance from her because as much as I do love her, I dont want to get stress or get influence by her behavior. I was just wondering if I am too sensitive or if I have a lot of rules ? because thats what my previous ex would complain when I tell him that if something he does bugs me.

I am going to send you a link about "boundaries." I think that it will be helpful. Establishing healthy boundaries early in relationships lends to more positive interactions. Also, think about what your insecurities are? are you easily intimidated by others or attention flowing in another direction? I think your esteem and confidence may need to increase so that you can have more trust in others. I know it doesn't feel like that is an easy task, especially when you feel like no one listens to you. Bare with me, and I will send you a few links :)

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I feel like my voice is never being heard and I am not important when it comes to my feelings. When I talk to my friends ,they would agree and give me advice. I will use their advice and write it as them on messages to my relationship and yes it is manipulative. I think you are right that my self esteem and confidence needs to increase to trust others. I try to have boundaries but each time the person crosses it, I will talk to them about it, get angry but forgive right away because somehow its always my fault and maybe it is.. I have no idea.

Those are some interesting reads. The other thing that I would encourage is looking at your "cognitive patterns." That refers basically to "how you think." I will send you a link I often use in the clinic that helps you know your thinking patterns.

You have to start using more positive self talk for sure to understand your worth. You don't want to get stuck in the victim's mentality and feel that others are all against you. We tend to create a self-fulfilling prophecy if we do that.

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I hope that you will accept the answer and provide positive feedback so that I receive credit for the responses or information given :)

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
ok i will get on with reading the links you have send. thank you so much for taking the time to help me. Also the previous breakup ended horrible and all wrong but Friends and family kept telling me how they have done the same thing with their spouse or relationship and the person never left them. They told me he might be cheating or never loved me and it makes me feel even worse because I didn't think I was that horrible throughout the relationship. They have to be right for him to completely throw me out of his life after 2 years because of the first slap. He treats me like an enemy that now I rather not being anywhere trying to think of him because I want to move forward and not keep feeling down about what I can't undo on my actions.

It sounds like it was a tumultuous and unhealthy relationship. I encourage you to recognize your self-worth and not accept any form of abuse in future relationships. You deserve more than that. Focus on what you want, not what you don't want in a relationship.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I just feel like the relationship I want doesn't exist. I always wanted a partner who would talk to me if they disagree with my feelings and explain why. But every relationship I had, I got either dismiss, slient treatment, relentuatly agreeing but won't tell me why they think opposite or blame me for having such feelings. So I ask opinions of friend and when they think it's not unreasonable what I'm feeling, I would tell them and they get angry I talk my problems to my close friends. i really want to be a healthy girlfriend and a good person in general. I don't want to manipulate to feel heard

It sounds like you are motivated to make positive changes. I encourage you to define, on paper, what a healthy relationship looks like and create a "vision board" of how you achieve it. Think more about what you want for yourself and focus on personal healing and growth. Don't base your worth on others' opinions or acceptance of you. That is not healthy. That is a more co-dependent behavior.

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http://tinybuddha.com/blog/ending-codependency-in-relationships-find-and-live-who-you-really-are/

Try this link too! You have homework! ha.

Hope this has been helpful!

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
What I'm afraid is if I'm too demanding and that I will find no one. I guess I don't trust myself to make the decision of what a good relationship is because I have never seen one. My parents had the worst relationship that any person that is a little nice is even consider refreshing.

You have to believe that you deserve a good relationship to have one. A good relationship is built on trust, healthy communication, positive interactions, shared interests, respect, and mutual submission about your partner's needs. I encourage you to also read about "the five love languages" by Gary Chapman. I'm going to send you another book to look at, or suggest you look at. I can't remember the author, but I will send it in just a minute.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Do you think it's me that drove my last relationship to be unhealthy? That I made it unhealthy for the both of us?

you can heal your life by Louise Hay. That's a great book. I actually have two copies of it. One for home and my office.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Oh wow okay thank u so much. I will take everything you have suggested and put into practice. I hope I can find more peace and healthy relationship

Ypu can only take responsibility for your role. Not his. He had choices and he is 100% responsible for those. I do encourage you to work on your personal worth, growth and healing, so you can be the partner that you want to be.

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You're welcome. You sound like a kind and motivated person. I wish you the best. You can ask for me specifically in the future by putting CounselorJules in the question or subject line.

Best wishes!

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Thank you so much. You have been really helpful beyond words. I will definitely look for you when I need someone to talk with.

Honestly, you're welcome. Be patient with yourself and believe in yourself. I hope you will find some encouragement through all of this. Struggles create opportunities. You'll be better than you've ever imagined if you just keep your focus and put your words and gained insight into action.

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And thank you again for the positive feedback!

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Do you think I'm emotionally abusive? My ex always says its like his walking on egg shells with me because I tell him what Hurts my feels and he says I have too many rules. So it feels like his always walking on egg shells. I never comprehend what he meant. For instance, we went on a trip with his family, his usually very touchy with his sister but one day, on the trip, his younger sister she's 15 wanted to sleep in our hotel room, we didn't mind since there was two beds. In the morning while she was sleeping, he came out full naked and I awoke from him just walking out grabbing his clothes like it wasn't a big deal. I was shock because what if his sister woke up & saw instead. When we were alone, I told him that I felt really uncomfortable and how my siblings are not that close so maybe I don't understand. He got really angry at me, saying I was trying to break his family apart. We had a whole argument of how I wasn't trying to and that it freak me out. After many hours of arguing , he finally said I can see why you would be uncomfortable but since than he wasn't touchy or hugging towards her much. I wanted to tell him that he should be himself, maybe he felt like he can't be himself because of me.. My question is am emotionally abusive ?

You sound like a considerate person. I wouldn't label yourself as that. You have specific perspectives, and that is understandable. The important thing is just making sure you don't attempt to impose those on others. Everyone's family systems are different, we have different rules and roles. We have to find ways to allow each other to be themselves but not be critical. There's a learning curve in all relationships. Remember when expressing a need, a partner responds better to requests and not demands.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
That is where I fail, I think I come off as demanding as soon as the person doesn't have a reason. I have a lot of work to do on myself and it does make me uneasy thinking about it. I do want to become a better person. But part of me is still trying to get over my ex bf even though its been almost 3 months now. Some times I wish I stood up for myself than let him belittle me and than sometimes I think I deserve it and I want to please him into believing I can be the person he wants. His not all bad but the only sad part is he doesn't and never wanted to compromise, he always tells me to go fix myself since he never gets angry at me. In the end, I have failed. Whenever I am really stress out, I think of wanting him by my side the most. Especially since I am in school, there are a lot of easy stresses with financial and exams and unable to relax most days.

College is stressful on its own and balancing a relationship, becoming a healthy person, and picking a career all compound the stress. Most schools have counsellors and student support services available for students who struggle to feel successful in maintaining a balance. I encourage you to check into that. Anxiety is tough to deal with, but it doesn't have to rule your life. I encourage you to look at what resources you may have available to you locally, just to help you process even further. You're beating yourself up instead of focusing on what you offer a relationship. Keep your head up. I want you to take some time tonight and get on Pinterest, look up affirmations, and look up how to heal from negative thought patterns. You have to stay positive and don't get stuck in the past. The only way you will have a healthy relationship is having a healthy perspective on yourself. ☺️

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Is there a reason behind why I acted out with a temple tantrum and than procceeding to slap him. I slap him because he wanted to call my sister and I freak out. I understand this behavior is not normal but I am more afraid that it might happen again in the future with my actions. I know it was because I felt unheard & unloved but I still don't understand why I had resort to that.

It sounds like you recognize that you reacted out of frustration. Your impulses got ahead of you. I suggest you continue to use your self control skills and if you are able to slow down, take a breath, and then respond, not react.

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https://1in6.org/men/get-information/online-readings/self-regulation-and-addictions/regulating-emotions-impulses/

Try reading this :)

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I still miss my ex boyfriend a lot. I feel rejected from him because I blamed myself and tried so hard to prove to him for a month and he just shut me down saying he will never forgive me. How can I still miss him. I keep thinking that he was really good and it probably was me that was to blame. But Most times I realize I am not happy where I am but i have a year of school to still go there before I can move to another state I finally wanted

I understand that it is hurtful to struggle in the grieving period. I wonder if you are still in the denial phase of the grief. It is hard to accept that the relationship is over. I truly know that pain that is entailed in this. It sounds to me that you are recognizing that you had some responsibility, but remember, that is all that you can accept responsibility for-- only your role. I encourage you to find a positive way to communicate with him, that you are seeing that you had a fault and possibly transferred responsibilities toward him that may have been unwarranted. In the meantime, continue focusing on how you can be happy. Sometimes, we think we don't deserve happiness. We depend on chaos and problems to feel normal. Maybe that is all that you have known. I encourage you to understand that you can have good relationships with healthy communication and a healthy respect for one another.

let the dust settle.... We say some things when we are upset that we don't actually mean....

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
It may be silly but I still sometimes check social media and although we aren't friends, I still see he has pictures of us and even of us on his profile on Instagram. That is making me really hard to move on as weird as it sounds but it puts me in denial sometimes. You are right but when I had talk to him, it was responsibility for everything and why the relationship failed. I feel like a fool sometimes like him talk so bad to me but I felt I deserve it at the time and I still do sometimes.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
We do not communicate anymore. The only time he will listen is if I'm telling him why I'm wrong but if I ask for anything else, he will block me

That makes me sad for you. I understand it. I understand the pain of letting go. It is hard to see a relationship that once flourished, seem to almost be as though, it never happened.

It sounds like you have to focus on how to find closure. That is going to be found in your acceptance of the loss and through finding your new life, one without him. I understand that is difficult right now. Be patient with yourself. You are not doing yourself any favors by checking on him. What about putting that same amount of energy into focusing on your schooling, your health, and finding new friends.

Don't settle for or focus on the past; there is a reason all of that is behind you.

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Just understand that a healthy relationship occurs when you have the accountability, trust, honesty, support, cooperation, and safety that you both need. Take some time to focus on what those things mean to you. I think it will help you recognize what you truly want. Don't beat yourself up. Find ways to empower yourself and use this opportunity to be a stronger woman and partner.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I don't understand why he still has it there and in a way it makes me hope that he will talk to me some day. Isn't that crazy? And you will right I should be focusing on other things but I can't for some reason. I try and I feel my heart heavy. I want to be better but I can't at times.

Maybe he is still in the same place that you are in accepting the terms of the relationship at this time. We don't really know his motives, but it takes time to make those sort of changes. He may not be ready to make it public knowledge or answer others' questions yet either.

Have you tried writing him a letter? don't send it yet, but write and rewrite it a few times. Review it and see if it really captures what you want to share with him. If it does, then take another week, re-read it, make revisions, and then send it along to him. I think the more you externalize your feelings, the more you will get to the root of your desires. I suggest that you always keep in mind that you never have to accept an aggressive or physically abusive relationship-- you don't need to receive the abuse, nor be the one who engages in the violence. Recognize those unhealthy patterns and avoid them. Don't settle.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
last month , my friends and family kept saying he might be cheating. So I started believing them telling them that if he did than I would probably feel better. Than a girl on Facebook wrote under his picture telling him to delete me. So I ask him who is she, he was really angry saying he doesn't know & that he doesn't have a girlfriend. I decided to delete him as a friend after that. It got wrose on Instagram under his pictures, some girl telling him to delete us. He didn't but he block me after I wrote good he cheated. After that I wrote him in email I can't believe he did it. But I found out my friend did it to try and help me move on. It was really messy. But today, while talking to my mother, she was telling me I can never get over him because she is like me just as weak. I told her stop comparing me to her. But she kept doing it and she started getting angry when I disagree with her telling her I had my own emotions and belief. She kept trying to tell me my sister & other people say I should move on or get him back. I guess I still need to work on my temple cause I get so upset at her especially since she kept raising her voice. I'm mostly upset at her because she kept comparing my ex to my father. But my father was an alcoholic and physically abuses my mother so I don't know how that was the same thing.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
Because of my father being that way, my mother cheated on him a lot behind his back because she says its okay. It's a loveless marriage and they only stayed due to having us. So I get really hot temple wherever she tries to compare their relationship to any of mines. I don't want to end up like them so I always get defensive. She would tell me my father wasn't always bad and that only when he had a heart attack than he became horrible.

It does sound like you were witness to a great deal of abuse and modeled unhealthy patterns rather than recognizing how to manage emotions in a healthy manner. I do encourage you to review the books that I had shared with you previously. I think that it will be helpful for you to understand how your family dynamics affect you now and learn ways to explore to debunk those habits. What was your reality in the past, does not have to be your reality now or in the future. You are already on the right track, because you have an awareness and are developing insight into making changes.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
The thing is I was never close to my father. He took me to school and barely said anything to any to me & my siblings except to cook for us. We were closer to my mother, she doesn't have affection but she shows it by buying us what we like except after she buys something, she would complain we are horrible people that made her feel guilty into buying it. My parents fought a lot in front of us and they even get us involved a lot to choose sides as we were all scared or crying. My dad treated my mom really horrible but she would beg him to not leave. As time goes on, my mother would be the one yelling at my father and he would try to be nice. My father had lied to my mother when they first dated but she found out he had a wife years later. Yet I was so upset when I saw my mom with other man, I would be in their house and although I knew the story and seen their loveless marriage, I was still disgusted.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I feel bad talking about the past because I tried telling my mother but she would said I should be blaming myself. That what I grew up in has nothing to do with them.Now I still want to be with my ex boyfriend but I screw up every possible chances to talk with him. Especially when I'm really stress out , the urge to want to speak to him is greater.
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
My mother always thinks the guy I'm dating is better than what I deserve and she even flat out tell me. I don't know why her words and what she thinks affects me. I really don't want them too so I want to distance myself fro her but than I feel bad when I do

I think it is normal to want our mother's love and support. You did not have a certain or healthy security as a child and you are looking for it now in relationships. Sometimes, we have to accept that we may need to focus on what we gained from those hurtful relationships and seek contrast in new relationships. When we are anxious, we often process from a place of guilt, which is unhealthy. You can only take responsibility for your choices, others have to be responsible for their roles and reactions/ responses.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
All I feel like doing is talking to my ex bf and have him want to care again. I feel really neglected and rejected

I encourage you to focus on the exceptions to the problem. Who do you recognize in your life that hasn't neglected or perceivably rejected you? Who has been steady? Also focus on your inner messages. You cannot allow yourself to believe that you are neglected or rejected. You will get lost in a pool of self-pity and drown.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
My mom , brother and sister & best friend. They always are there. Sorry you are right. I just wish I could talk with my ex, we talk every single day for 2 years. It feels weird not having him in my life
Customer reply replied 1 year ago
I wanted to tell my ex the wrongdoing I have done. Like with the text message of people & lying that I'm having fun at the movies with friends but I really wasn't. I was at home studying. Would that be a horrible mistake if I told him the truth?

I know you are hurting. It's hard to process a loss. I really do encourage you to recognize that no matter the pleading or apologizing that you do, it may not change things with him. It may make you feel better initially, but I don't know how long term the effects will be.... Process what you are hoping to gain by reaching out to him.

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I hope you will accept the answers and information provided if you felt it was helpful..... I am thinking about you. Im rooting for you too! I hope it all works out for you :)

CounselorJules
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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
The thing that is when he broke up with me, I was beyond depressed, I started to try different ways to get him back. I don't understand why I had lied and tried to blame myself to get him back. I wasn't honest to him why I did it but I had to lie. I don't understand why I made my friends text him pretending to make drama because i thought it would be a good idea to blame it on them instead. Is that crazy ? I feel like that wasn't normal ?

I honestly think you were in desperation and trying anything to win him back. When we are depressed and anxious we don't think clearly and we are reactive. You don't have to beat yourself up over it. It was a lack of judgment and insight at the time, but now you have a different clarity.

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Customer reply replied 1 year ago
if I didn't do all of those things, I wouldn't have feel as bad as I do now with guilt & shame. A break up is really hard, I don't know how people go through this and school. I can barely concentrate because I can't study when I'm not happy. My future plans to live with him is not ruin so I dont know where I will be in the future
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Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

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