Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

This answer was rated:

My ex girlfriend, My ex gf, of four years, and I broke up…

My ex girlfriend Expert's...

My ex girlfriend

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.

My ex gf, of four years, and I broke up several months ago. We're 23 years of age. I've graduated and she's still in school. We weren't talking for about a month, after the break up, then she fell on hard times I helped her out. We started talking and dating again. I thought we were moving in the right direction until recently she tells me her thoughts haven't changed. Her sole focus is school. She says she loves me, and could see a future, but with all her stresses of family and school she just can't do it. So my question is should I cut communication completely with her since I desire more and I'm not receiving it or should I continue to casually talk to her? I feel I need to allow her to miss me, but I don't know how.

Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 2 hours by:
3/1/2016
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified

This needs some thought. I'd advise you to keep her thinking about you in positive ways. But you've already gone beyond the 3 years after which the romantic passion is likely to simmer down for at least one, if not both of you. If she happens to meet someone else she may light up with new romance feelings; and then she probably won't want to get back with you--because you're a "known quantity" without the lure of mystery to enhance your attractiveness--and "new love chases away old." But if you can set up a date a few months from now, or around the time she's graduating, then you might either find that the "spark is gone" and you're just not excited about starting over--unless & until you've had another chapter in your lives to go astray, and THEN you're able to idealize each other again. There's no uch thing as Just One SoulMate for each person; so you can't count on that.

If I were you I'd think a lot about what she's studying and wants to do with her life, vs what you've studied and want to do; and then project yourself and her out 5 and 10 years from now--forgetting the marriage fantasies you may have hatched before, but just focusing on your core values, goals and career aspirations. I'd guess that she wants the freedom right now to imagine HER future without feeling obligated to place you into the center of it. So I'm suggesting you fantasy-construct: What happens in YOUR futuretripping when you imagine two futures without insisting they have to be linked by common attractions that pull your lifepaths into close parallel progress?

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 2 years ago
Than you Dr. Norman,I guess I'm just struggling with the communication is. Like if she texts or calls should I answer and things of that nature. Should I just stay in casual orbit. I'm glad that she tells me she loves me, but I feel like if she wanted to be with me then should would.

I'd suggest to do your best to let go of your fear that she'll leave you--since it's possible she's just not ready for marriage at this point in her life, and she needs more years to do other things--no fault of yours; but just the fact that the normal mating dance only lasts about 3 years, so if you're not both ready for marriage then, then the plateau you're on can lead downhill.

But I'd also freely admit to her in email or text that you do love her too, and you know how precious her feeling of dedication to her studies is to her; and you wish her the best outcomes for her goals, and you're still willing to be there for her when she wants you, at least for now. [Like her, you can't promise to be her solid supporter forever, because that's a vow you can only make when you're getting married. -- You might choose to hold off on writing THIS sentence, but allow YOURSELF to write it to yourself and to believe it; because your first loyalty needs to be to yourself--and that loyalty is equaled by your loyalty to her ONLY when she reciprocates with her same promise, freely given.]

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 2 years ago
Wow Dr. Brown,You've truly helped me. I'm struggling with this now, but I do appreciate the words you've given me. I'll do my best and I think I'm so emotionally worn out that I'll just leave that message for a time when SHE reaches out with a 'why haven't I heard from you?' I assume that, because we've stayed in communication and she even text me today. However like you insinuated I have to create the desire to think about me. I cannot be a 'known quantity'. There needs to be a question as to where she stands with me. I just don't want to be a jerk about it, because I do care about how she'll feel.

My last paragraph of advice was telling the truth, except that when you love someone NOW, you can't truthfully predict that there may come a time in the future when your love has (mostly) evaporated, or when an accidental encounter with someone else with a thrilling quality ignites a new fire in you, and then a new love begins to grow that will put your 4 yr old love in the shade--IF you spend the thinking-about and meeting-together time to feed it and not to feed your distant "ex"gf image. (Yet even if you know that's how love normally works, you can still choose to nourish the love you have in your mind with its image of your "ex" and avoid the person and the mental feeding sessions of your new love-interest.)

If you're sure you've gotten all you need now and don't have any more questions, you can give me a rating and thus release your deposit to pay me. Or I could offer you additional service for a small additional fee , and that would allow us to exchange emails and phone-or-skype numbers. Then you could reach me immediately without needing to ask for me and me needing to notice your request on the website, since they don't transmit requests to my email anymore. And sometimes I'm away from JustAnswer for several days or even a week, because I'm full-time caregiver for my wife and our daughter.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question

I'll also mention a few tips for coping with your longing for the sweetness of her presence in your mind and/or daily life: 1. Cultivate some QUALITY time for yourself. Either A. invite a friend or two to do something with you that you really like, or B. do something that YOU really like by yourself, even if it takes some practice to get used to enjoying that activity alone.

2. A particular kind of activity that many people never think about doing alone is enjoying or practicing ART and BEAUTY, perhaps in combination with stimulating physical activity. Such as Making or Listening to music; Walking or Hiking in Botanical Gardens, Nature preserves or Forests, Beaches or Mountains--and walking amidst natural beauty can become particularly fascinating if you walk in slow motion (as a special kind of disciplined meditation) or stop at every interesting spot to gaze at the scene with TIME STOPPED. This is very valuable, because TIME STOPS when you're FEELING YOUR LOVE. So if you stop time thru gazing at beauty--and you can discover the beauty in anything BY STOPPING TIME TO GAZE NONSTOP at it--then you are widening the scope of your love-activity to "love the moment you're with." And this is an activity you can do BEST ALONE; so you are developing the ability of Artistic Concentration to give yourself the rewards of the beauty in your surroundings, and the World becomes your Museum, anywhere you want it. [Museum comes from "Muse," an unconscious feminine inspiration that ignites your artistic imagination, which leads to the natural high of the practicing artist and meditator in "Flow" with the sensory splendors of the surrounding moment.

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified
Dr. Norman Brown and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Was this answer helpful?

How JustAnswer works

step-image
Describe your issueThe assistant will guide you
step-image
Chat 1:1 with a counselorLicensed Experts are available 24/7
step-image
100% satisfaction guaranteeGet all the answers you need
Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
1,207 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. Norman Brown is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,741 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

1,207 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

377 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 in a half years 6-7
i broke up with my girlfriend of 3 in a half years 6-7 months ago. We've recently started talking about a little over a month ago. She told me she wants to take things slow. Things were going well, an… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
961 satisfied customers
My ex girlfriend of a year and a half that i just had a baby
my ex girlfriend of a year and a half that i just had a baby with in December;we're both 19 and just graduated high school we broke up about a week ago and she is already in a relationship i feel horr… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
961 satisfied customers
My ex has been lieing to her current gf about talking to me
My ex has been lieing to her current gf about talking to me for a year. She just got caught and told the gf that everything she said to me about still having feelings etc. we're lies. But she was cons… read more
Dr. Z
Dr. Z
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
9,633 satisfied customers
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost four years.
My girlfriend and I have been together for almost four years. I've been trying to look for advice with my closest friends and family, but they do not know what to say. I really need help. My girlfrien… read more
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown
Marriage Therapist
1,207 satisfied customers
ok, so me and my ex first met about 4.5 years ago (senior year
ok, so me and my ex first met about 4.5 years ago (senior year of high school she went to a different school) we only talked for about 2 weeks then just stopped, but after awhile we kept in touch thru… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
449 satisfied customers
My ex is ignoring me and Im not sure what to do. Some
My ex is ignoring me and I'm not sure what to do. Some background: I dated this girl for three years. In that time, we broke up for four months. I was, one might say, a bit neurotic at that time--an e… read more
KansasTherapist
KansasTherapist
Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
121 satisfied customers
I have been in a relationship with a 42 yr old single Asian
I have been in a relationship with a 42 yr old single Asian mother with a 2 1/2 son for about 2 years. I am 48 yr old single dad with 2 girls 22, 19yrs and 1 boy 14yr. During the time I was dating my … read more
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark
Doctoral Degree
129 satisfied customers
I have been in a relationship with a 42 yr old single Asian
I have been in a relationship with a 42 yr old single Asian Japanese mother with a 2 1/2 son for about 2 years. I am 48 yr old single dad with 2 girls 22, 19yrs and 1 boy 14yr. During the time I was d… read more
Dr. L
Dr. L
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
366 satisfied customers
Have a long story. Been dating a woman for 2 1/2 years and
Have a long story. Been dating a woman for 2 1/2 years and the relationship is rocky at moment. She is 10 years younger with two children. I am 54 widowed with three boys out of house(one is in colleg… read more
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige
Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
847 satisfied customers
I have been in a relationship with a 42 yr old single mom with
I have been in a relationship with a 42 yr old single mom with a 2 1/2 son and I am 48 yr old single dad with 2 girls 22, 19yrs and 1 boy 14yr. Our relationship was great at first. I got along with he… read more
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Adjunct Professor
Master's Degree
1,014 satisfied customers
Broken heart... I have been dating my ex-gf for 20 months.
Broken heart... I have been dating my ex-gf for 20 months. We both went to high school together and found each other later and fell in love. In the beginning of the relationship, she was going through… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
I recently moved across country to take a new job. My girlfriend
I recently moved across country to take a new job. My girlfriend of 5 years and I decided we would try to make it work. She also has to move in the same state for a school she was accepted into. After… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
449 satisfied customers
Hi my girlfriend and I started dating sophomore year of high
Hi my girlfriend and I started dating sophomore year of high school. Things were good for the majority of those three years in high school. We broke up maybe once during high school for a few weeks. W… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
Hey Im 20 and my boyfriend is 21 - Ive been with my boyfriend
Hey I'm 20 and my boyfriend is 21 - I've been with my boyfriend for just over 2 months now and a few weeks ago he said "I love you" and I'm really happy with how the relationship is currently going. 9… read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
I am 19 years old. I am going to start from the beginning.
I am 19 years old. I am going to start from the beginning. Me and my ex-fiancé met last year at my house. When I first met her she wasn't really my type then as the night grew I started really liking … read more
psychlady
psychlady
Clinical Director
Master\u0027s Degree
3,517 satisfied customers
my gf and i broke up due to the fact it was long distance and
my gf and i broke up due to the fact it was long distance and she wanted to focus on her job. said she had no time for a relationship now. we agreed it was the best thing to do, she said she wanted to… read more
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi
Doctoral Degree
1,564 satisfied customers
I think im in love with my Ex Girlfriends best friend. What
I think im in love with my Ex Girlfriends best friend. What should i do? Oh, and Neither of them know it....... please help.… read more
Cher
Cher
JustAnswer Expert & Mentor;Teacher/Tutor
Masters Degree
1,382 satisfied customers
my girlfriend broke up with me because I moved from california
my girlfriend broke up with me because I moved from california to texas for a job. i recently got laid off at my job in texas, should I move back to california to try and patch things up?… read more
Ms Chase
Ms Chase
Life Coach
853 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x