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My ex girlfriend, My ex gf, of four years, and I broke up…

My ex girlfriend Expert's...

My ex girlfriend

Expert's Assistant: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.

My ex gf, of four years, and I broke up several months ago. We're 23 years of age. I've graduated and she's still in school. We weren't talking for about a month, after the break up, then she fell on hard times I helped her out. We started talking and dating again. I thought we were moving in the right direction until recently she tells me her thoughts haven't changed. Her sole focus is school. She says she loves me, and could see a future, but with all her stresses of family and school she just can't do it. So my question is should I cut communication completely with her since I desire more and I'm not receiving it or should I continue to casually talk to her? I feel I need to allow her to miss me, but I don't know how.

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Answered in 2 hours by:
3/1/2016
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified

This needs some thought. I'd advise you to keep her thinking about you in positive ways. But you've already gone beyond the 3 years after which the romantic passion is likely to simmer down for at least one, if not both of you. If she happens to meet someone else she may light up with new romance feelings; and then she probably won't want to get back with you--because you're a "known quantity" without the lure of mystery to enhance your attractiveness--and "new love chases away old." But if you can set up a date a few months from now, or around the time she's graduating, then you might either find that the "spark is gone" and you're just not excited about starting over--unless & until you've had another chapter in your lives to go astray, and THEN you're able to idealize each other again. There's no uch thing as Just One SoulMate for each person; so you can't count on that.

If I were you I'd think a lot about what she's studying and wants to do with her life, vs what you've studied and want to do; and then project yourself and her out 5 and 10 years from now--forgetting the marriage fantasies you may have hatched before, but just focusing on your core values, goals and career aspirations. I'd guess that she wants the freedom right now to imagine HER future without feeling obligated to place you into the center of it. So I'm suggesting you fantasy-construct: What happens in YOUR futuretripping when you imagine two futures without insisting they have to be linked by common attractions that pull your lifepaths into close parallel progress?

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Customer reply replied 2 years ago
Than you Dr. Norman,I guess I'm just struggling with the communication is. Like if she texts or calls should I answer and things of that nature. Should I just stay in casual orbit. I'm glad that she tells me she loves me, but I feel like if she wanted to be with me then should would.

I'd suggest to do your best to let go of your fear that she'll leave you--since it's possible she's just not ready for marriage at this point in her life, and she needs more years to do other things--no fault of yours; but just the fact that the normal mating dance only lasts about 3 years, so if you're not both ready for marriage then, then the plateau you're on can lead downhill.

But I'd also freely admit to her in email or text that you do love her too, and you know how precious her feeling of dedication to her studies is to her; and you wish her the best outcomes for her goals, and you're still willing to be there for her when she wants you, at least for now. [Like her, you can't promise to be her solid supporter forever, because that's a vow you can only make when you're getting married. -- You might choose to hold off on writing THIS sentence, but allow YOURSELF to write it to yourself and to believe it; because your first loyalty needs to be to yourself--and that loyalty is equaled by your loyalty to her ONLY when she reciprocates with her same promise, freely given.]

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Customer reply replied 2 years ago
Wow Dr. Brown,You've truly helped me. I'm struggling with this now, but I do appreciate the words you've given me. I'll do my best and I think I'm so emotionally worn out that I'll just leave that message for a time when SHE reaches out with a 'why haven't I heard from you?' I assume that, because we've stayed in communication and she even text me today. However like you insinuated I have to create the desire to think about me. I cannot be a 'known quantity'. There needs to be a question as to where she stands with me. I just don't want to be a jerk about it, because I do care about how she'll feel.

My last paragraph of advice was telling the truth, except that when you love someone NOW, you can't truthfully predict that there may come a time in the future when your love has (mostly) evaporated, or when an accidental encounter with someone else with a thrilling quality ignites a new fire in you, and then a new love begins to grow that will put your 4 yr old love in the shade--IF you spend the thinking-about and meeting-together time to feed it and not to feed your distant "ex"gf image. (Yet even if you know that's how love normally works, you can still choose to nourish the love you have in your mind with its image of your "ex" and avoid the person and the mental feeding sessions of your new love-interest.)

If you're sure you've gotten all you need now and don't have any more questions, you can give me a rating and thus release your deposit to pay me. Or I could offer you additional service for a small additional fee , and that would allow us to exchange emails and phone-or-skype numbers. Then you could reach me immediately without needing to ask for me and me needing to notice your request on the website, since they don't transmit requests to my email anymore. And sometimes I'm away from JustAnswer for several days or even a week, because I'm full-time caregiver for my wife and our daughter.

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I'll also mention a few tips for coping with your longing for the sweetness of her presence in your mind and/or daily life: 1. Cultivate some QUALITY time for yourself. Either A. invite a friend or two to do something with you that you really like, or B. do something that YOU really like by yourself, even if it takes some practice to get used to enjoying that activity alone.

2. A particular kind of activity that many people never think about doing alone is enjoying or practicing ART and BEAUTY, perhaps in combination with stimulating physical activity. Such as Making or Listening to music; Walking or Hiking in Botanical Gardens, Nature preserves or Forests, Beaches or Mountains--and walking amidst natural beauty can become particularly fascinating if you walk in slow motion (as a special kind of disciplined meditation) or stop at every interesting spot to gaze at the scene with TIME STOPPED. This is very valuable, because TIME STOPS when you're FEELING YOUR LOVE. So if you stop time thru gazing at beauty--and you can discover the beauty in anything BY STOPPING TIME TO GAZE NONSTOP at it--then you are widening the scope of your love-activity to "love the moment you're with." And this is an activity you can do BEST ALONE; so you are developing the ability of Artistic Concentration to give yourself the rewards of the beauty in your surroundings, and the World becomes your Museum, anywhere you want it. [Museum comes from "Muse," an unconscious feminine inspiration that ignites your artistic imagination, which leads to the natural high of the practicing artist and meditator in "Flow" with the sensory splendors of the surrounding moment.

Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
Verified
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Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
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Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

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