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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 765
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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A broken engagement from my fiance. She broke it off a month

Customer Question

A broken engagement from my fiance. She broke it off a month ago after dating for two years
JA: The Psychologist will know what to do. Please tell me everything you can so the Psychologist can help you best.
Customer: I was an alcoholic, and was verbally abusive (jealousy, you are cheating on me, etc., made a fool of myself). But she deeply loved me, professed her undying love. I had several warnings, I couldnot see them. She proposed to me! Well, now she is gone for good, it has been over a month. I tried limited contact. Met her last week, so so. Told her I wanted to marry her and Ihave been sober for twenty one days. Luke warm response. So, yesterday, I find she has created an online profile on OK Cupid dating site. Crushed me. Called her. And she said "it is time for others to have a crack at it! You had your chance." She said I could talk to her in 6 weeks. She loves me but is not in love with me.
JA: Is there anything else the Psychologist should be aware of?
Customer: No physical abuse. We had great times, she chooses not to remember any of them/acknowledge. She moved out. She will not give the engagement ring back because she said I lived with her for six months.
JA: OK. Got it. I'm sending you to a secure page on JustAnswer so you can place the $5 fully-refundable deposit now. While you're filling out that form, I'll tell the Psychologist about your situation and then connect you two.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Posted by JustAnswer at customer's request) Hello. I would like to request the following Expert Service(s) from you: Live Phone Call. Let me know if you need more information, or send me the service offer(s) so we can proceed.
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

I am available to help if you would like to proceed. First, I commend you for the sobriety. Do not allow this situation to affect that. I understand that feeling a loss can trigger a relapse from recovery. I encourage you to find a support group or even a sponsor to help with accountability. I teach drug court groups addressing mental health concerns and addiction, and what I have found is that most participants recognize that there is an element of grief. You have to take responsibility of the role you played and it sounds like you are. She also is taking responsibility and focusing on moving forward. I hope she takes the time to consider her self-worth and possible co-dependence if that exists, but I encourage the same for you. You don't want to be defined by your past behaviors, or by an addiction. So take this time to continue your personal restoration. Focus on what has triggered relapse or bingeing in the past and remove that stressor or establish a safety plan with accountability to avoid it. Focus on how you can be the man that you want to be; not just in that relationship; do it for yourself, do it for potential future relationships. It is hard to overcome the trauma that you guys endured, but it doesn't mean it is impossible. The important thing right now isn't reconciliation, but restoration-- for both of you. Don't pressure her, this could lead to further damage and resentment.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

I also wanted you to recognize the grief cycle. A loss leads us to processing in different phases. It is normal to experience, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and then acceptance. During these phases, we begin to heal, but it doesnt always happen quickly. I know that it is difficult, but please stay the course with sobriety, for you if no one else.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

I know that my response is helpful. I know that it doesn't resolve the issue, but I hope that it provides clarity, insight, or perspective. Please take the time to accept and rate the answer in order that I receive credit for the response. My thoughts are with you.....

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

That was supposed to say "I hope that my response is helpful." My gosh! Im so sorry about that! Best wishes!! Julie

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