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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 765
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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I'm writting to you, because I need advice that will tell me

Customer Question

I'm writting to you, because I need advice that will tell me what should I do because I'm a bit lost...
Till last year I was in a relationship with a guy that seemed perfect in every way, but things went horribly wrong and we broke up after a year and a half. I am 21 years old and he was my first boyfriend. Since then I really took time for myself and lived my life. After that I had one fling that lasted for six months but I knew that things with that guy won't get serious because he told me, he's not ready for a commitment. I really changed since I broke up with my ex. I am a lot more reserved in relationships now, i'm constantly scared I'll get hurt, and I get unsure quickly when someone doesn't say the right words or do the right things.
In january I met this other guy on a birthday party. He's one year younger than me, very handsome and a handballplayer. Even though I liked him the minute I saw him, I immediately thought that he's a player. And I didn't do a thing to get closer to him. He started to pursue me and now we are dating for almost two months. He never said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship or mention that he's only looking for fun. We are definitely not just hooking up, because we had sex after two weeks of knowing each other and we have been on several real dates between that time. We usually just talk, grab some icecream or eat lunch. He even came to my place when I had my period and we only watched a movie and cuddle. That time he actually conffessed that he doesn't want to have any other girl but me. And last week when he was drunk he actually told me he loves me and that he would do anything for me. I now I can't take that as 100% real conffession, but I know guys usually guard themselves from saying anything like that and they usually really hold theirselves back in that kind od cases. I can see, that he's really into me. He's very affectionate when we are together, I can really be myself around him, and I can see, that he's really happy around me to. So where's the problem? Well he's REALLY busy. He trains handball, volleyball and some other sports. He also has many friends wich are always calling him for hanging out. He told me, that he had his first girlfriend when he was 17 and they were together for six months but didn't have any serious relationship since then. She never even met his parents. I do think that in a relationship people should have time for themselves I just think that he doesn't know how to act when I am around. He invited me to his home a few times since we started to date and this weekend I finally decided to go. He introduced me to his sister, some of his friends and his teamplayers. And when I went to watch him play, after the match his coach asked him if I am his girlfriend, and he said: "yes, kind of". I was really surprised because I didn't expect that, especially because we didn't have "the talk" yet. And I can see, that those are really big steps for him because he's not used to text anyone, he's not used to hangout with anyone except his mates... But I don't know how to tell him that if we'll be in a relationship he'll have to change some things. And I really don't want to change him or take away his hobbies. I just want to let him know, I want to be more involved in his life and let him know I am not just one of his mates...
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for writing and including so many details in your request. I would encourage you to be open with him. Communication is the only way he will be aware of what your needs are. I suggest that you ask him where the relationship is and share with him what you most want in a relationship. You have to yield to his needs too though. Don't force him to establish boundaries that he is not ready to set; this could lead to resentment. I suggest communicating, but never give ultimatums; that will not give you the outcome you prefer. Also, consider why these behaviors bother you so much. That could be an issue for you to really work on for yourself, especially to make sure that you are not transferring or projecting your feelings onto him, undeservedly.

Hope this is helpful.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

I hope that you have been able to review the response given. If you found it to be helpful or informative, please accept the answer and provide positive feedback so that I can receive credit for the response. If you would like to continue processing, please provide more information or further questions that may lead to more clarity. Again, Thank you so much!

Julie :)

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