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CounselorJules, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 786
Experience:  Licensed Professional Counselor
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Me and my girlfriend just broke up, she started liking

Customer Question

me and my girlfriend just broke up, she started liking another guy, but at the same time told me she could never lose me and that she would go crazy if she did. At first after a lot of tears mostly from her and a bit of make up sex I was okay with it. But after a few days it really started bothering me and I pretty much called it. The SAME day (night) we ended it, she went right to this guy she likes and they went for a drive and I guess they kissed or made out. I called her and she told me this and of course I started getting beggy and saying stuff like I needed her back etc. . She told me she couldn't do it and that it was done. A few days go by and of course I make the biggest mistake of getting out of relationship and Continue to tell her how much I miss her and how I'm all sad and stuff. She pretty much ignores this and tells me I'm sorry but I'm moving on and I really like this new guy. So I stop texting her for like 4 days and finally she snapchats me a picture of her dog. (The dog she knows I'm obsessed with) and also a picture of her with the dog . I knew that her new little boyfriend was going away to Cuba for a week because she told me this. So I thought that she was just talking to me because he was gone and she was lonely. I'm almost 100% sure that's why. Anyways we keep talking and she tells me how much she misses me and how hard this is on her etc.. I tell her I miss her a lot to and that I realized I could have been a better boyfriend the past few months (because I could have) and that I wish we could just start over. I tell her that I had a girl over and she starts to get a little jealous and we start fishing a little and then the talking stops. My mom went to toronto on the weekend and I asked her to come over so we could have one final night together. She says no she doesn't see the point in it and I pretty much give up after that. Then all of a sudden on Saturday night @ 2:30 in the morning she calls me asking to pick her up. I was actually just getting home and of course it being someone I still cars about so much I go and pick her up. She was with a friend as well and I dropped her friend off first and then she starts crying and we make out for awhile. She said she was super drunk although after being with her for over a year she didn't seem to be that drunk to me. Maybe a little but not blackout or anything. So we make out for awhile and then we get food and she comes to mine. We have sex and then just lay together for a couple hours making out and just holding each other. She was crying a lot though out this and she kept telling me she was sorry and that she knows that we will be together in the end. Maybe not now or even in a few months but In the end. Whatever that means. So I tell her I miss her sooooo much and that I still love her a lot. She tells me the same thing but we never really talk about getting back together for the time being. It's only been 2 weeks and yes the guy she likes / is falling in love with is still gone and is back in like 2 days. I noticed she still had the bracelet and necklace that I bought her and was still wearing it. Anyways I drive her home and we make out again and that was that. We text quite a bit the next day but nothing lovey more just friendly conversation. The night before she said she couldn't lose me for good and that we could still be really good friends. I somewhat agreed even though I knew that wouldn't work if she was going out with another guy. So now it's Monday (yesterday) and I ask her if she wants to do some homework together. She says yes and I go over. Things were pretty normal, slightly awkward considering the situation were in but overall fairly normal. We talked, had a few laughs but I picked up her phone and noticed that her background picture was a picture of this new guy. After that I started feeling pretty shitty and she noticed to and even called me out on it. This whole time as well I noticed she couldn't really make eye contact with me and just didn't want to look at me much. She asked me "are you all quiet cuz you saw my background on my phone" I kind of shrugged it off and didn't really answer her. As well when I was hers I kind of touched her a little like just rubbing her arm/back and she didn't seem to care. Anyways I drop her off at the bus stop and she asks for a kiss on the cheek. I say no (because I'm upset at the fact her new background is a picture of this guy) who by the way is 4 years older then her. She's 18 and he's 22. Then after that we haven't talked since. Her new boyfriend or whatever he is, is back and now we're not talking again. I honestly have no idea what to think of this. I still love her to death and want to be with her , but even though I was not the best boyfriend the past 2-3 months she still technically cheated on me and I know deep down I shouldn't get back with her. But I want to soooo bad, and I can't really tell if she does or if she's trying to move on herself. What should I do here
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

Wow, I appreciate all of the detail you put in asking your question. I think that you were really thorough and that helps to understand the issue. So, you have a history with this woman and it sounds like you care deeply about her. I think that the relationship that you have had has been complicated, but I commend your ability to take ownership of your own role. That says a lot about the kind of person that you are. I think any loss goes through a grief cycle. It is very difficult for one to go from one relationship, directly into another. I think that she may be processing from a rebound perspective, but that really isn't something that you can control. You recognize that all you can do is control your reactions to the situation. A suggestion that i have would be that you continue to focus on how you can continue to be that better man or boyfriend to someone (her or someone else) and that you foster those areas of growth. You will have to remain strong in your own boundaries so as not to allow yourself to engage in a relationship, where you could potentially be someone's second choice. That is not intended to sound harsh, but in essence, you don't want to be "that guy" waiting around for her to let you know that she still loves you. You have insight and awareness and I would encourage you to find your interests, focus on your long-term goals, try new activities (possibly even meeting new people along the way) and working on your own journey of self-actualization. Releasing a relationship is not an easy thing to do, but if you look at everything that feels like a conflict as an opportunity, you will see that you have much more to gain in the long run. You sound like a compassionate and caring person. Show yourself some of that love and be intentional in your efforts to focus on you. And actions speak more loudly than words (or so they say), so I suggest rather than telling someone how much you have changed and how willing you are to do things differently, you just get in the groove of doing it for yourself. Get active-- for you!

Hope that is helpful.

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

I hope you found that to be helpful. Please take the time to review the response and accept the answer and if you feel led leave a positive rating. I am available for more help if necessary. Thank you, Julie!

Expert:  CounselorJules replied 1 year ago.

Good morning. I am hopeful that you were able to take the time and read through the answer. I hope it has been helpful for you! If so, please don't hesitate to accept and rate the response given.