Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

My boyfriend and I are not sure if we share the same values.

Customer Question
We are worried this might...
My boyfriend and I are not sure if we share the same values. We are worried this might be a problem in the future.Background: We have been dating for 9 months. I'm 29 and he is 30. He told me a few days ago that he is nervous about his future. He is mostly nervous about his job because he isn't earning as much money as he was promised from his employer. He says he feels like a boy and not a man yet due to his issue with job and also because he hasn't traveled. He also said that he is nervous about us because he feels pressure now that we are getting older and all of our friends are getting married. He says he thankfully doesn't feel any pressure coming from me. However, he is concerned that we might have big value conflicts that we expressed earlier in our relationship.1st Conflict- he wants to live together before marriage and I do not. He isn't ready to live together anyway. He agrees with me that it is less pressure if we don't live together...so we could possibly agree to forget this idea.2nd Conflict- his mother worked full time and nannies took care of him and his brother. He imagines his future wife will take a similar path. My mother was a stay-at-home mom while my dad worked. I imagine I would take this path. He told me a few months back that he would be open to this idea if he made more money. And he still said this last weekend, but I sensed hesitation. He also said "If I can't afford to provide this to you, then I'll feel like a failure."He said he doesn't want to break up, but he understands if I want to move on to a richer and older man. He kept repeating how nervous he is about his future. He expressed too that he wants me to get a better job now so I can contribute something. At the moment, I can't contribute much because I have a very unpredictable career in the TV industry. He makes a lot more money than me. He said it's unfair of me to expect that lifestyle in a few years while I am not helping towards that kind of goal with the lifestyle I lead right now. I understand that concern.I'm worried we might be doomed for failure. He said he will try his best to see my points of view but he still sees a stay-at-home mom as a lazy profession after the kids are in school. What are your thoughts? Can we work through this or are these problems possibly going to continue? Besides all of this, we are happy now.
Submitted: 2 years ago.Category: Relationship
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 13 hours by:
1/26/2016
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 2 years ago
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience: I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
Verified

Hello, I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. I would like to talk to you some more about your conflicts and see if any can possibly result in a compromise or other result. I'll wait on line to see if you want to chat right now.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 2 years ago

If I do not see you come back online, I'll try to answer as best as I can based on your post. :)

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 2 years ago

I am going to post my response here but will also send you an invitation to talk on the phone or Skype some time later. Or of course, we could meet on here at a mutually good time. For now...

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 2 years ago

Your situation is not unique in that so many of us grow up with a set idea of how things "should be" ideally or at least how we envision our adult lives playing out--based on our own examples from our childhood. And to give you the easy answer first, yes, it IS possible to continue to be happy despite different goals--as long as you can somehow come to some type of mutual solution or compromise. If you cannot, however, as long as both of your conflicts/goals remain strong and unaltered, then you will continue to have conflicts. So let's take each conflict briefly.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 2 years ago

Conflict 1: Living together / Not together. I admire your decision as I am guessing it is a moral/religious conviction. And I think you can work through this one even though he wants to live together before/if you were to get married. I am wondering if it is a moral thing if you could stay at each other's places for several days at a time as you get more serious in order to "practice" living together. This is such a tough one because it is noble wanting to respect one's convictions. However, most married couples have minor conflicts about toilet paper (over or under), tooth paste place, dishes in the sink, etc. that can be resolved BEFORE making the ultimate commitment. Living together or as I have suggested, staying over for a few days here and there, maybe on weekends, can give you a better feel.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 2 years ago

Fortunately, I cannot find anywhere where it is stated that either of you have been married before/lived together before. If this is true, since you are young, you may not find yourselves in the conflict that older, divorced individuals have because they are more "set in their ways". So I agree that you may be able to resolve this conflict more easily than the others.

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 2 years ago

Conflict 2: Stay-at-home Mom vs. "Working Mom."----Let me tell you something not just from research studies (which is where I like to post answers since they are based on up-to-date study results) but from my own experience PLUS research. Growing up, my mother CHOSE to stay at home with me. She is incredibly intelligent (M.S. and B.S.) but gave up her career to stay at home. Even when financially our home could have benefited from her working outside the home, my parents decided that she should be home. I often wondered how anyone could be satisfied or not feel lazy, probably because of the then famous show, "Married with Children." Now as a professor full-time and counselor, I often am tempted to hire a nanny. With three children, it can get overwhelming. In fact, my husband and I made the recent decision that he would stay at home most of the time and work from home all but two days a week. And two of our children are school-aged. The reason is that with activities and school and homework and trying to cook healthy, nutritious meals, etc., I do not see HOW families can manage with both partners working outside the home full-time and still manage to maintain a relatively clean home, keep caught up with laundry, and eat good, cooked food (not take out or delivery). Staying at home, even when the kids are school-aged, absolutely can be a full-time job. I never "saw" how much my mother did at home until I started coming home tired and faced piles of laundry and hungry family members! So I am guessing your boyfriend simply does not realize or remember what it takes to maintain a home with active children. So maybe if he reads this or you can get him to read some studies (I can give you some references), he will see how much work there really is at home. And if he is not willing to do half the laundry, half the cooking and cleaning, etc., then he should realize that your job as a stay-at-home is DEFINITELY not a lazy choice!!!

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Counselor: DrJackiePhD, Doctor replied 2 years ago

Do you want to talk about these on the phone/Skype or do you know if you will be back on to chat? It is going on 1:00 p.m. East Coast Time. I have some appointments this afternoon but can talk later this evening if you would like. Please let me know. Best! -- Dr. Jackie

Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Customer reply replied 2 years ago
Hello, I am online now...I can speak in a few minutes. Maybe 1 minute
Customer reply replied 2 years ago
Ok I am online now. I will read your response.
Customer reply replied 2 years ago
Thank you, ***** ***** your responses. Those are helpful.
To answer your question- no, neither of us have ever been married before. I lived with a boyfriend once for a few months. I am ashamed of myself for not listening to my gut that I shouldn't have lived with a boyfriend because it was much more painful to separate after living together. My boyfriend lived with a girlfriend once but only for one month because he was between places. They broke up shortly after that.
I will try to get the courage to show him your responses in a few days. His concerns are more due to me not having much money to contribute. He is slightly jealous of me because I was able to travel, chase my career goals, and burn through all of my savings in the process. He feels like it is unfair for me to burn through all of my savings like that, and now demand this of him in the future because I have nothing saved up. He also doesn't see how families can live on one average income. And he feels jealous that he has not lived out his youth to his satisfaction (traveling, etc). He feels like all of the pressure is on him to do well and not me. Growing up, he said none of his friends had stay-at-home moms. Everyone had a live-in nanny, including my boyfriend.
Overall, I know he loves me but I have an inkling that he is just passing the time with me because he enjoys the company. He said isn't sure when he will be ready for marriage and kids, and even once we get to that point, he is worried we will never see eye-to-eye. I told him I will try to get a more steady job now and try to save so he knows I'm not just putting all the pressure on him.
Customer reply replied 2 years ago
I love some references from you regarding studies of stay-at-home parents.
Customer reply replied 2 years ago
Hello, I am following up to see if you have any further input? I would also like to see the references you mentioned regarding studies of stay-at-home-parents. Thank you.
Was this answer helpful?
Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,739
1,739 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

TherapistMaryAnn is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,739 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

427 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

402 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
Am I giving you my detailed problem I'm dealing with? Or
Am I giving you my detailed problem I'm dealing with? Or just what its about? … read more
Ashleigh
Ashleigh
Neurodevelopmental Psychologist
Master of Education in Educational Psychology
17 satisfied customers
My boyfriend who I've known for 20 yrs and I decided to try
My boyfriend who I've known for 20 yrs and I decided to try again with a romantic relationship again while he was incarcerated recently, he was in jail for 7 months, it was awesome, he was a dream, co… read more
Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
Master\u0027s Degree
424 satisfied customers
Thanks for your support. I am grieving for. He is the
Hi Jen, Thanks for your support. I am grieving for Gary. He is the highschool sweetheart who has briefly broken up with the home coming queen (Yes from our school) to reconnect with me and we were mom… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
960 satisfied customers
Hope all is well. I hope you don't mind as I really need to
Hi Jen, Hope all is well . I hope you don't mind as I really need to process a couple of things that have happened most recently. I have put distance between me and the long term relationship guy , me… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
960 satisfied customers
I have been in a relationship for yr & a half..I'm 36, in
Please help! I have been in a relationship for yr & a half..I'm 36, in nursing school..boyfriend is 33 and an electrician assistant that constantly says he dsnt like his job/can't afford much except t… read more
Ashleigh
Ashleigh
Neurodevelopmental Psychologist
Master of Education in Educational Psychology
17 satisfied customers
Hrown Children vs. New Child Ok so here goes. I have 4
Hrown Children vs. New Child Ok so here goes. I have 4 'children'...three grown with kids of their own & one that is 8, younger than two of their oldest kids; which my 8 year old has always been reall… read more
Carlett F
Carlett F
Therapist
Master\u0027s Degree
55 satisfied customers
For expert: you know since I started getting busy and he
For expert Martin: Hey you know since I started getting busy and he started going out and not taking my calls, he is now developing a habit of going on on Saturdays and not picking up my call, even he… read more
Martin
Martin
Electrical engineer
Bachelor's Degree
486 satisfied customers
Strangers will call me pretty, nice, normal, say I have
Strangers will call me pretty, nice, normal, say I have rich parents but they never call me smart. They say they don't know whether I'm smart or not. Well how do they know I'm nice, normal or have ric… read more
Kelisa Volson
Kelisa Volson
MA
1 satisfied customers
How can we restore our relationship? Seems my significant
How can we restore our relationship? Seems my significant other's constantly correcting me which drives me nuts. I am not going to change. I feel my lover has become my mother.… read more
Kelisa Volson
Kelisa Volson
MA
1 satisfied customers
I need your help, I and my boyfriend has been dating for 8
I and my boyfriend has been dating for 8 months and we did have sex. He is a pilot so we are like long distance relationship. We often text and call everyday and sometime we talk about sex or our personal thing. I haven't seen him for two month. We usually joke like when Iam working he said I'm masturbating. I think it's find, just a joke. The thing is today he called me when he was in Uber on the way to the airport whereas I was driving to work. And he ask “are you going to masturbate all day” that made me embarrassed coz the Uber driver could hear. He said it's ok and he even asked the Uber driver “is it ok if my girlfriend masturbating all day” and I hear the drive said “oh yes...”. Then he also talk to me about our private stufff, sex, make love.. while the driver was next by. I feel weird and don't like it. … read more
Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
Master\u0027s Degree
424 satisfied customers
H. I have tried but it wont let me send the full question.
I have tried but it wont let me send the full question … read more
Ashleigh
Ashleigh
Neurodevelopmental Psychologist
Master of Education in Educational Psychology
17 satisfied customers
My gf might leave me because of possibly impregnating her
My gf might leave me because of possibly impregnating her she feels like I have betrayed her because I didn't pull out before I came.. I don't want to lose her but what would be the best option to get… read more
DrJackiePhD
DrJackiePhD
Doctor
402 satisfied customers
I was in a relationship for nine months with this guy who we
Hi my name is*****: Is there anything else important you think the Psychologist should know?… read more
Ashleigh
Ashleigh
Neurodevelopmental Psychologist
Master of Education in Educational Psychology
17 satisfied customers
I feel like I have been dealing with HOCD for a year now
I feel like I have been dealing with HOCD for a year now sometimes I'm really good and other times I wake up in a panic. I just want to go back to being normal. I'm always checking to seeing if I'm ge… read more
Rafael-E-Therapist
Rafael-E-Therapist
Director / Psychotherapist
Master\u0027s Degree
424 satisfied customers
I've been going to counseling for so and it has helped I
Hi I've been going to counseling for so long and it has helped I have had good times and extremely bad times. Thoughts of suicide have decreased but are still there...I've hid it well but inside I am … read more
Ashleigh
Ashleigh
Neurodevelopmental Psychologist
Master of Education in Educational Psychology
17 satisfied customers
I want to be a team lead at my job but how do I work on my
I want to be a team lead at my job but how do I work on my people skills if I am shy and how do I become well rounded if I am always stuck in one spot… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
448 satisfied customers
How Can I tell my sister in law I'm sorry for her loss of
How Can I tell my sister in law I'm sorry for her loss of her aunt in a heartfelt way. We don't normally talk and I'm afraid to say it wrong. Help… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
448 satisfied customers
Well my parents do not like my boyfriend for certain reason
Well my parents do not like my boyfriend for certain reason that I can't disagree with them. I want to make things work with him but my mom just finished chemo and has heart problems pushing her surge… read more
Dr.G.
Dr.G.
Counseling Psychologist
Doctoral Degree
448 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x