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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1694
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I am a newly graduated health professional who is 23 years

Customer Question

I am a newly graduated health professional who is 23 years old.
I started to date this guy a month ago. However, I'm not sure if I'm being shallow because I'm not entirely sure I can date to marry him.
The pros and cons to him are as follows
- Treats me wonderfully
- Very intelligent
- Challenges me to be a better person
- We truly do care and love each other if not as lovers, then just there is genuine care
- Doesn't have much ambition when it comes to work, he has been trained as a chef and works at a call centre <-- this is what really bothers me
- Swears '**** you' when he gets frustrated at me
- Has difficulties controlling his feelings, when he gets angry he can barely sleep the whole might
- Smokes and drinks alot
I'm thinking that I'm currently 23 so I have alot of time to find someone who is more ambitious and calmer. Am I being naive or shallow thinking this? Would love your input guys. Thankyou.
We have also been through alot together. My family disliked him so I was excommunicated for dating him. I was ok with the estrangement because there was a huge issue of my independance as well. He stuck with me through the whole thing. He would be willing to move to Sydney for me.
Because he has drunk alot and smokes, I'm not sure whether he can live a very long life which worries me if I was to have children with him.
If I get back together with him, it's because I want to marry him.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Tarra Bates-Duford replied 1 year ago.

You have raised some pretty serious concerns regarding a potential future with the gentleman you are dating. I think you are right to question a future with this man as you are quite young, 23yrs old. However, your age is not the primary concern as there are many things that raise concerns in your message, i.e., your apparent differences in ambition, use of vulgarity when frustrated which demonstrates an inability or significant challenge when dealing with conflict, and your partners smoking and drinking habits. As you have been dating for only a month you have not invested too much time, however on the bright side you have already identified some characteristics, personality traits, and behaviors that you do not feel are conducive to a relationship with this man. In my opinion these are concerns that you should not ignore, especially if it is your intent to date to marry. If you are interested in dating a man with the intention of determining whether or not he is marriage material for you than perhaps you want to expand your dating pool and include men that are like minded, able to appropriately convey frustrations, ambitious, and whose drinking and smoking habits do not appear to be in conflict with what you find appropriate. As you mentioned you have a lot of time to find a suitable partner as you are only 23. I realize he supported you in your estrangement from your family (which must have been very difficult), however you do not owe him your future.