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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3531
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I am 38 years old and married my husband 4 years ago. He is

Customer Question

Hello, I am 38 years old and married my husband 4 years ago. He is 2 years older and has 3 daughters from previous relationships. When we started dating 7 years ago, I was aware he had 3 children and had a vasectomy. On our 3rd date we had a detailed conversation and I was very clear I wanted children of my own with him and asked if he wanted that too. He was on board and I reiterated it was a deal breaker in our relationship if that wasn't what he wanted and he was still onboard. We married when I was 34 and about 6 months after the wedding I brought up the baby subject and he kind of put me off stating he wasn't ready and wasn't sure a reversal vasectomy would even work since it had been almost 10 years since the vasectomy. I was crushe'd but decided to give him more time to change his mind. Another year later, I brought it up again and he said he thought getting his relationship with his daughters back on track first was more important. I obliged again and put my needs on the back burner. A year later, his girls are good and this time he agreed to see a urologist. The urologist did not feel confident on the reversal working but would do the procedure. Since my husband didnt like this, I spent the next few months researching urologists who specialize in reversals after 10 years. He went to see the second urologist and he said the same thing. All along he seems to be onboard with us having a baby. He never said otherwise. I finally decided to see a fertility doctor to make sure I was OK at 37 now and ensure I could even carry a baby. After meeting with the fertility doctor, he brought up sperm aspiration and IVF. This was great, he wouldn't have to have surgery. I went 2 several doctors appointments and determined I was perfectly healthy to carry a baby. We set up another urologist appointment to discuss the sperm aspiration procedure which the doctor explained to my husband, he could get viable sperm 100%. I was over the moon but I could tell he was not. He spent the next few weeks pretty much ignoring me and I finally confronted him and he said he was scared and didn't think we were ready. This is right after my 38th bday. My immediate thought was this man never wanted a baby and has been lying to me our whole marriage. I told him I wanted to separate because while I loved him with all my heart, I wanted a baby and he didnt. Pretty simple, now he says he is so sorry, he freaked out and that he does what a family with me and is ready for a baby. What the hell? How can I believe he is telling the truth now or just telling me what I want to hear again to keep me. What if he does go through with having a baby with me and he is miserable? Should I cut my loses and move on and hope to find another man who wants what I want?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Thanks for providing such thorough information. It sounds like he was scared and certainly putting up many obstacles to prevent having a baby. If he has come around then be open with him about your worries..him being miserable after the fact. while there is no guarantee on his feelings afterward, at least you will give him the chance to process it all and then you can decide. I would not jump ship at this point because you love him and maybe he does have a change of heart. Have a loving conversation with him so that he hears your desires without feeling pressure and you can both make a rational and non reactive decision.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Let me know your thoughts.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Lorie, please take a moment to click on the rating tab to rate my support so that I may be credited for my time. Thanks.