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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3497
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I got into a relationship 5 months ago and bonded instantly

Customer Question

I got into a relationship 5 months ago and bonded instantly with a woman. A couple months ago she told me all of her past sexual relationships but didn't,t tell me about one and I played investigator and found out about one other person and I told her all of my past partners. She has a lot of male friends including lovers and my exwife cheated on me so I am sensitive to her spending time with male friends. Recently she said that she wanted to go to dinner with one guy just to catch up. I told her that I would like to go to and that was a big no. Then a couple days ago she said she was going to join a bowling league and bowl with another male friend. I trust her but am nervous obviously about the situation. Now since I have been against this I have accepted this but she hasn't done any of this yet but now she is saying that she loves me but isn't in love with me and sex has slowed to just a couple times in the last couple weeks but I am nervous as we are growing apart as she won't work with me on this as I told her she needs to forgive me on this. She also says I am too focused on sex but we were having sex everyday but she said she gets sore so she has slowed way down on this.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Hi James. Thanks for being so open about it all. I am sorry you are going through this pain right now and am glad you have gotten into therapy. Because you have been cheated on, it it understandable why you would have the anxious feelings that you do. Sadly they played out here in your connection with your current girlfriend. I don't hear her pulling away so much because of you snooping around about her past, but maybe she feels a bit crowded with you having a tough time with her male friends and her active life. She may feel that it is not how she desires to be in a relationship. Again, your feelings are understandable but the styles between the two of you may be different. The sexual intimacy may have slowed because her interest has changed. I know it is hard to accept that as you want and desire more with her. I would pull back a bit and let her miss you a bit. It is possible that if she feels she has some breathing room, she might be able to reconnect in the way you desire.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I have explained to her why I have done these things but it doesn't seem to make a difference to her. I asked her to forgive me for these things and told her I am working on the issues but she just seems to be hard hearted. Is there anything else besides giving her space that I should be doing?
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

And you have done a great job around that, but I am not so sure that is the only cause for her pulling back..she may have not developed the same feelings for you that you have for her, even if things felts great at the start, it could have changed for her. That is why I believe that pulling back would give her that time to see if she misses you and desires for more.

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

Let me know your thoughts.