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John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 663
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
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My name is ***** ***** and i'm from malaysia. my situation

Customer Question

Customer: hi my name is ***** ***** and i'm from malaysia. my situation does not involve any marriage/children and i'm wondering if you assist with queries as such?
JA: Thanks. Can you give me any more details about your issue?
Customer: i met this guy while we both were on a vacation in asia. at the time we met, we both knew that he will be leaving to south africa (his home country) within a few months. but sparks were flying, you know, and we both decided to take the YOLO attitude, and so we shared a meaningful but very short time together. little did i know this romance cut a little too deep than i expected he's left september 2014, and we tried doing no contact since november or december last year, but i can't say we have 100% succeeded in NC. so i will just simply call it as limited contact.
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Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  John-Michaels replied 1 year ago.

Hello, my name is***** would really like to help you. Can you give me more information. What exactly is your question? Are you wondering how you can get over him or are you wondering how you can make it work? Any details might be helpful. Thank you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi John thanks for replying. In continuation of the first post, he came to realize that I have hooked up with someone else some time around July 2015 (not proud to admit, but this is pretty much an emotionless thing), and he wasn't happy to hear it. We had some emotional turbulence there, and then went no contact until recently, where I saw on Facebook that he went hiking with another girl (let's call her X) who really looks like his type.Come Christmas I sent a very simple Christmas wish, to which he replied to and then we just did some simple catch up. My heart finds it a little unsettling and curious about X, so I decided to ask him discretely about her.Me: So what's this story about that hike you went the other day?
He: What do you mean?
Me: Hiking with a pretty hot Asian chick, new date?
He: Valerie I'd like to keep in touch but I cannot talk about this stuff to you.And I was just quite frustrated as I was looking for a yes/no answer. Now my heart is just more unsettled and more curious than before I have asked.So my question here is, why would anyone hide the new love potential from an ex?
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
in response to your question, I think deep down within me I really would like to make it work (heart's decision), but it's long distance, which he isn't willing to go through. I don't really know what the situation is right now, I'd like to make a rational decision (and preferably in line with my heart's feelings). If it's not his potential romance, I should start planning how to get him back; otherwise I really need to buckle up and respect his new life.Just to add that during our no contact period, everything move on just fine. Sure, it's a little empty, and in some days I might miss him a little more than usual, but I managed to keep life in order all along. But then I thought, it's been a year, if I haven't moved on I suppose he would have - but people who have moved on do not hide their new romance from anybody (or so I see it).Thanks.
Expert:  John-Michaels replied 1 year ago.

OK, I see now. First of all, I'm not sure he's really trying to hide it from you. He just doesn't want to talk about it with you. This could be for more than one reason. One, He wishes to keep the two separate. In other words he wants the best to both worlds. Secondly, he's wanting to basically keep you as a friend in which he feels this is none of your business. Then, he might really want something better with you and feels like that is old news. There are probably some more options that I have not even covered. The more important options, though, are your options. What are you going to do? If you are interested in a relationship, I suggest you be upfront with him. Ask him if he is interested. If he is, you have lost nothing, but you have gained a relationship. If he is not you have not lost anything that you did not have to begin with anyway. Does that make sense to you?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I absolutely have no idea why he doesn't even wanna answer yes or no to this. I mean, if he only wants me as a friend, then I can't see how answering the question is a big deal. Probably does not need to give the details, but at least yes/no would be good and honest enough. Or at least that how I see things to be.Maybe I'm just the kind of person who does not enjoy hiding anything until and unless necessary.Regarding the relationship, this has been asked to him some time in October 2015 (about a month after he left Asia). But it appears he just really doesn't wanna date someone he cannot see in person frequently, and we both really just can't afford the flight tickets to be flying to each other at this point.It's strange how time helps to heals, but doesn't help to forget just yet. I'd really like to fly to him, but just financially couldn't do it. Sometimes I feel like all hope is lost, while other times, I feel like the romance we had before is worth saving.Been a year and I still yearn for him, that's how difficult things are on me. To be honest, I really wished he had answered yes/no. It makes things a lot easier for me.
Expert:  John-Michaels replied 1 year ago.

My guess is he is compartmentalizing his life. He has you in Malaysia and her in South Africa and he wants to keep it yet way. We cannot be sure though. No matter, he does not seem to be interested in the same depth of relationship as you are. I know that's not what you want to hear. I fear it is the truth so. The good and this is, it is best to know this now rather than later. If your content in this kind of relationship, I believe that is what he wants. If you want an exclusive relationship that does not seem to be what he has to offer. I hope that is helpful to you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Well again, back in October 2015 when he refused exclusive relationship, the only reason he has mentioned was distance. Don't know of any other reasons, can't think of any other reasons given the situation back then.But if that's true then by today it would be so easy to choose the new girl in South Africa. Again, no reasons to avoid mentioning it.Just to add that the flights from Malaysia to South Africa is also double of my monthly salary. To me it is too big a gamble if exclusivity has not set in. I have had crazy thoughts in taking a leap of faith to just go see him, but I'm afraid this isn't too optimistic a situation to even start putting my bets on it.But then my heart cannot rest on this matter even after a year.
Expert:  John-Michaels replied 1 year ago.

I wish I could tell you for sure why, but I can't. When I do know is, he has made it clear he does not want to talk about it. If you push the issue right now you risk pushing him away. My suggestion would be, if it is important for you to know, at least give it some time. Maybe he will be receptive later. Other than that, I would say let it go for now. My understanding is you were saying that you understand that your relationship is not exclusive. If that is the case you could have another relationship yourself if you wish. Continue as is until the point you both want something deeper. Does that make sense to you?