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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1700
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Upon breakingup, in order to make a quick move on, I choose

Customer Question

Upon breakingup, in order to make a quick move on, I choose to fight and accuse him with the purpose to make him lose his remain feelings for me so I have no choice but to make a hard move on. Otherwise I will always try to go back to him.
Is this the right approach? What is a better way to do this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

You're trying to build a wall by substituting anger for love and longing. If you've been with anyone you really like for 6 months or more (which is enough to start getting attached) you're bound to miss him for a few months, Starting fights with him probably won't work any better than trying to replace him with some other guy, because you're just covering up your feelings and trying to smash and compress your grief reaction instead of learning how to live through it--and developing a way to live your life as a single woman who chooses her own activities and spreads her companionship needs out to more than one person. There's a difference between feelings and actions that respond to those feelings--so you don't have to run back to him just because your separation-distress would be alleviated if you got back together again.Writing down the reasons (many of them feelings) why it is not good for you to be together with him is valuable--and not blaming yourself for falling back into seeking him out--because you may just have to keep getting back together again and again until it feels worse to be together (within a short time at least) than it does to stay apart.

Then to start rebuilding your own lifestyle as a single person, you need to rediscover the activities that you can savor by yourself, as well as those you can enjoy with a girlfriend. I have a few meditations that help with discovering how to savor being alone--like looking for beauty everywhere you go--walking slowly in nature and pausing to admire and study each little thing, natural or artificial, that looks interesting or beautiful. I can attach that document to another response if you want.

You need to realize that your intense feelings WILL pass, and that you can manage to glide through your most painful feelings and into other more soothing or pleasant ones by shifting your attention to other aspects of the world within you or around you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Thank you so much for the info. Yeah I guess I used him, an external force to leave me no options but to move on. He will definitely not want to see me any more. I achieved my purpose, in a rough way.Yes please feel free to attach the doc. The other thing is I always find if I start believing in a guy's words, I will end up getting hurt. Because most likely those words were said so they can get something from me (whether it is emotion or physical). They don't necessary mean what they said or will follow through. It seems it is always wise to treat those words with a smile and not buying into it. What is your take on this? Also if the other person firmly says it is over, will there still be chance to get back together?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.

I don't know what you age is, but I'd guess you're under 30. In relationships, it takes time to build them and time to dissolve and recover from them--BOTH. The excitement is often very high in the first 2weeks to 2 months; and it's only after the first "direction-correction" from the flush of new-love and new-sex runs into normal-life difficulties, when each person needs to find a balance between their ongoing life habits plus social-network relations and the increasing impact of their growing intimacy, and the shocks & changes in the mating dance that we can find out whether both people have both readiness and the many qualities needed for a relationship to grow. Early fantasies and declarations of love are hopeful--and loving does feel ETERNAL in the moment, because such through appreciation of another being is enough to make TIME STOP. But time does have to move on; and it's only when an alternation between ordinary time and love's time becomes an achievable pace of life that our hopes can become a reality.

I don't know if my document will give you usable ideas or not, but I'll attach it now. Sorry--it's late at night, aqnd my first faitrly exstensive search on my flashdrive didn't turn up the document. I'll try again soon.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Thanks. If a guy firmly says it is over, will there still be chance to get back together? If so, what can I do?

Customer: replied 1 year ago. you have any update on this?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sorry somehow I couldn't give you the credit.