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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3446
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Question: I want to give you an update on my situation after

Customer Question

Question for TherapistJen:
Hello I want to give you an update on my situation after the date we had. So even he followed up after our date(after 12am; yes that timing means he doesn't want to chat much), he was keeping the conversation short. When I tried to talk to him again the next day, he responded once and then disppeared.
I finally decide to put things to the table and ask him to tell me what is going on. He told me he had lots of debating going on in his head while he was traveling that month (so we weren't even seeing each other) and he made the decision he can't commit to a relationship with me. Here are the reasons:
1. His life is chaotic right now and in the future years he will be traveling or moving from country to country for work and he is not looking for anything serious with anyone. We are at different life stages now and it is just not realistic for us
2. He mentioned we only dated a few times and he is still trying to get to know me. But I wanted answer for a relationship and he mentioned it is very risky to talk about these things so early.
In this thread we talked about it also:
http://www.justanswer.com/relationship/9fh8a-dating-someone-recently-seems-little-drifting.html
Me: I wouldn't ask that question if he is not moving away. But since he is, that question came up because I shouldn't put too much into it unless there is an answer on what to do if he is moving away. So unfortunately it is the reality and very situational.
Expert: If he is moving away then making a relationship could be tough, but again these are not questions or decisions that should be looked at in any early stage of a relationship.
Even I told him he misunderstood because I wasn’t asking for a relationship but I guess it is just too late now. Do you think this reason might break the chance? So when he was still bubbly and all over me, if I don’t ask this question, he will probably be still happy and come back and see me, get to know each other better and maybe there is a chance he will feel I am the one?
3. He says we are not a good match and he doesn’t feel he wants to be in a relationship with me even he has feelings for me and likes me. He can list out any reasons why he felt this way but he says it is just feelings and that is all he can say. And therefore he can’t have a relationship with me because we are not a match, not just because the long distance. He just doesn’t felt that way. Note he is the one pursued me hard in the beginning and made me eventually fall for him. And once I falled for him, he pulled away. How sarcastic?!
He then said he would still like to see me before he moves away. But I just felt I am going to get hurt too much and told him that is not a good idea.
Which reason out of the three do you think might be the major one that broke it? It would be nice if you have a ranking from 1 to 3. Thanks a lot!
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I think you should take all of his reasons at face value and they all play a part in his decision. I think what is most important is why you are hanging on after only a few dates when he has decided it is not what he is looking for. Even if he pursued you hard as you say, that doesn't mean that after a few dates he realized that he wasn't interested. So again, like our other threads..going over every inch and detail is not the best strategy. You moving on, and yes, maybe without the answers you want, but with the answers you have. He isn't interested any longer and that is where things are. Pick yourself up, because I know you can, dust off and move on.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I just want to learn from this and see where I made the mistake. I know they all are part of it, but which one do you think might be the main one? I hope you can help me on this because if I made mistakes I should learn from it and not to make it again.

Also this is to add to reason 2:

On the first day of his one month travel, I asked the question above. He was still saying he can imagine being in the long distance relationship with me and he seems is interested in having a relationship with me. Immediately after this, his chat start went sparse and he went less bubbly. Nothing happen in between. Then we didn’t see each other for one month but we kept chatting. Although it seems he is going downhill regardless. He worked on his mind internally and just get to the conclusion we are not a match (see reason 3) and he can’t have a relationship with me. If we are not even seeing each other and he has this downgrading trend, was it really because we are not a good match or he just convinced himself with his reasons that I am not a good match??? And he just used whatever happened in the conversation to validate his reasoning because that is the case he wants to establish and he has to make that case a reality. Anything fault he felt he can add to the case he will use it. Because regardless the downgrade trend is not reversible and it will go down regardless of I am perfect or not. If I am perfect, he will still be able to find some excuses to build that case.

Would you agree?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I dont know the main one and I dont think it is just one. He has given you his reasons so accept it for what he feels it was for him. He is not interested for whatever reason. Only you can dig deep and learn about yourself.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Remember you told me earlier I shouldn't dissect every piece and analyze every little details. But the real situation is, I don't do that because that is who I am. when I start doing that, usually something seriously wrong is going on and it messed my mind up and I am so desperate to figure out a way to get out and solve the problem.

Nevertheless, whenever it gets to that stage, it is always fatal. I have seen it always that way when it comes to dating.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

Ps reason 1 vs 2, which one do you personally think is a major reason?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

You are doing that now and I don't believe it is helpful and nor is this forum for that to take place. If you feel that you need to go deeper then I believe you could get the support you need from face to face counseling. That would be the best place to dig deeply and search for answers withing yourself to see patterns of behavior.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

You know I feel like casually seeing him will be hurtful but in the meanwhile sex with him is also tempting (he is still one of the most special person I have ever met in my life).

Which route would you suggest me to take?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I suggest you take the route that feels best for you. I can't say which is best as you know best what works for you. If it feels right for you then structure it how it works for you.

I am sorry but I am off for the night now. I will opt out so someone else can support you.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

If it were you, which one would you take?

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

I am off for the night. I am sorry but I can't continue now.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.

I got this answer from a forum and I think this is the right answer. I was asking if it would make a difference if I didn't ask that question of where we stand if he moves away:

The answer is: No - things would not be different.
The guy is in a noncommittal phase in his life. You just got caught in his wake. Forget him, he's not worth it, he's wishy-washy, and move on.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Sounds like you don't agree. You still think reason 2 is trigger. It probably is.
I decided to end us by arguing with him. Because I think it will be the quickest way and I have no chance to go back. Otherwise I will be lingering. The end result is he end up with not much feeling now. I don't know if it is worth it this way. Do you know if there is a better way?

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