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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1704
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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Back in the summer we met at a bar. He approached me, we had

Customer Question

Hello, back in the summer we met at a bar. He approached me, we had a great connection n started to date. First time I went over and stayed, He told me he recently broke up with a gf he was together for 4 months and that he broke up with her 2 months before that too because this girl he used to hook up with got pregnant. He said the problem was that both the girls were quiet, passive, needy and they were both ok if he dated anyone else as long as he didnt leave them. After the pregnant girl had miscarriage on her first month, his ex wanted him back so he got back with her but was unhappy with no feelings. He also told me everything about himself saying " I want you to see all my skeletons and know me well in case if we get serious". He also told me he wants to get married and be a father soon because he's getting older. He also always talks about how gov. would pay my school if I married him since he was in navy and also asked me if our kids would have to be vegetar***** *****ke me and that we would have beautiful babies since I'm brunette Turkish and he's blond American, we learn a lot from each other.
We both have much in common and great careers. Also he was in the navy for 10 years, this is his last year on reserve. He always tells me I'm gorgeous and that he loves my personality. We stay together 3-4 days a week and as I'm into arts, he enjoys it when I make plans such as for musicals, painting etc. He said that I brought color to his life. He also can't sit still without hugging or touching me. He;s like a little boy with me.
However, we dated 2 months.I told him that I don't want to rush into anything and would like to take it slow and build a friendship first and let things happen naturally. He knows I'm confident, independent n not needy.
However, he has tinder and went on 150 tinder dates in 3 years. Since he didn't commit to me, he is still on the app. I never confronted him thinking he'd soon tell me he wants to be exclusive. Also we spend 3-4 days a week together and if I don't see him 2-3 days, he doesn't contact me unless the day before we hang out because we usually make a plans for the week n responds to my msgs hours later.
So 2 weeks ago he went Cali for work and before he left he gave me his Navy uniform, folders and shoes because we planned that when he's back from airport he'd just come stay with me, go to training next day n we would make a plan for the weekend. When he left, I didn't hear from him for 4 days.. and knowing he still has Tinder on his phone it bothered me a lot so I decided to text him saying "I understand you're busy but not hearing from you for 3-4 days is not what I want."
in 5 minutes I got 10 msgs from him saying "You and I both can't have a pure convo about this knowing you have my stuff at your place and I have to sugar coat things. Is it your intent to take adv. of this extra leverage you have, negotiate while I'm 3k miles away ?Yes or no? This is something you should bring up face to face, I find this bothersome. I knew I was taking a risk by giving you my important personal items, and you KNOW I have to alter my response to your concern. I'll have this convo with you but I'd ask you to deliver my things back, I'll wire money if needed."...
I was at work and was shocked, I told him I will leave his stuff with his roommate and that way I have no leverage or advantage for him to sugar coat things. He told me "than you got the answer you tried to squeeze out of me, I'm being very very careful about what signals I send you because I'd rather not give mor signals than what I feel, so I'm trying not to set the precedent. If that doesn't work for you, than this isn't healthy. I'm trying not to oversell myself by calling you because that would take things to a greater level of commitment and WHY are you bringing this up while I'm away at training??"
I left work, got his stuff and left it with his roommate, took a pic as a proof, sent it to him and told him I'm not desperate to make a man sugarcoat things by keeping his belongings, there's a big different between little girls and women and women don't do things as his accusation n his behavior was the psychological affect of those needy exes and that I didn't want to have any type of contact with someone who insulted and accused me because of his own insecurities. He text me saying "Thank you, ***** ***** good person. You came suddenly saying I don't call,I don't want a relationship n I don't want to commit anytime soon". I told him I didnt' ask him to commit, it's too early n etc. then I called him he didnt' answer. He text hours later saying he was working. He text saying he can call me later.2 days later he text again saying "Hey, I can call after training if you want."I didn't answer to any of his msgs. Today it's been 5 days since he msgd and he's back in NYC. My anger faded, I'd love to be with him and work together on his insecurities but not sure how to behave or react.Could you please advice me on this?
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Also he is always a gentleman towards me, holds my hand all the time, we go to restaurants together, movies. I cook for him and try to make him be more organize which he really likes and said that I give him motivation to do things better and be better. When we walk together or go shopping, people tell him he is lucky and that I'm gorgeous and etc and he says he feels proud when that happens.This one time even some guy compliment him telling him "you're a lucky man bro" lol.
We always talk about politics as I'm working on becoming a lawyer and since he wants to be a politician in the future. We also take pictures when we go out hugging and holding hands. When we are this close, I'm feeling extremely dissapointed and can't understand what the issue is. I didn't even ever never ask him to commit so soon because I also would like to see how things continue and know him better. But at the same time I take his behavior very immature and because he made me sad I didn't respond him unless he calls and apologized. But I miss him and I don't want him to just give up thinking I don't want him.
Expert:  Ericka Pirtle replied 1 year ago.

Based on what you have said. It sounds like you both have a miscommunication of relationship expectations. Him leaving his stuff with you was a show that on some level he wanted a commitment. But his words outwardly said that he didn't. I would take that as a sign that he is not sure what he wants. Or that he wants to still play the field while being in a relationship. Either way I would not jump so quickly either because it sounds like he his jumping out of one relationship to another. If you are both not ready for a commitment then you should treated just like that. Don't allow him to have commitment privileges if he is not ready to make the sacrifice. Don't ever feel like you have to walk on eggshells with him. You have more power than what you are giving yourself credit for. If he really wants to get to know you better than he will definitely do what he needs to do to make that happen. If he doesn't then I think that you have gotten your answer. If he calls you let him know that you are interested by answering his call and use feeling words when you tell him how you feel without accusing him. (i.e. "I'm happy to hear from you!" "I don't feel good about where this is going and what can we do so that we will both be happy.") Its OK to date others as long as your are not in a commitment and he made it very clear that you weren't. Hope this helps and good luck!