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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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I have a question concerning my boyfriend and I. We are very

Customer Question

Hello, I have a question concerning my boyfriend and I. We are very young(19) and have been dating for nearly two years. He broke up with me back in May and it was devastating. However, over the summer we talked again and although I was hesitant I was able to understand the reasoning behind the breakup and I believe it was beneficial for both of our lives. We were able to be more independent and less invested in each other's lives. We recently got back together and I am so happy, but a part of me feels different. It doesn't feel like the way it used to due to the fact that I am having a hard time trusting him after going through a rough time over the summer after the breakup. I am constantly worrying about making the relationship perfect that it is causing me anxiety and I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but this trust issue is preventing me from loving him as much as I used to and feeling the way that I did before. Is this normal? Should I give it time? I told my boyfriend about this and he is 100% understanding of this. I am relieved that he is, but I just want some feedback on how I can trust him again and how we can go about fixing this problem. I just want to love him like he loves me, but I don't want to put myself or the relationship under so much pressure. Thank you for your time.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.

Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for your question, I'm happy to help you today. I don't think it's unusual that you feel this way. I think it's normal to want to protect yourself from being hurt again, so it's natural that you feel more reluctant to trust him again. I think you need to be patient with yourself and with him and give things some more time. You say you broke up in May, but you were dating for 2 years, so it was obviously a huge blow to you -- even though you ended up getting back together. I also think that breaking up (though I don't know the reasons for you two) is a relatively a normal thing to happen in a relationship that has lasted for so long in people who are so young. You obviously have a strong connection, and the fact that you did get back together shows me that you are both willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work. There's no magic answer, unfortunately, as to how you can trust him again, except that you need to give it time and patience -- and it's great that he is so understanding of the problem. It might help if you can ask him for reassurance every now and then, and also just institute a policy of 100% transparency. In order to trust him again, you need to feel that he is being completely open and honest with you. And vice versa, obviously. You might also want to read the book "I Love You but I Don't Trust You" by Mira Kirshenbaum. It's a really great resource for people trying to rebuild relationships and restore trust.

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.

And finally, if you still feel like this after several months, you might consider couples counseling -- it can be really helpful in creating a safe forum for you both to discuss the issues that you feel are occurring or have occurred in your relationship and help you work on these problems step by step with a trained professional. I hope things work out. Please let me know if you need additional assistance. Best wishes.

Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.

Hi again, I saw that you viewed my answer but did not yet leave a rating. I just wanted to check in to see if you have any further questions -- if so, please let me know.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Is it possible for me to love him as much as I used to? I love him, but not as much as I did before. I want to give it time.
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.

Of course it's possible. If you can be patient with yourself and give him time to show you that you can trust him then I think you can love him as much if not more than before. Sometimes going through something like this actually makes couples stronger.

Just give yourself time and don't try to rush it. I hope it works out. Best wishes. Please don't forget to leave a rating when you have a chance.