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TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1694
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I have dated a girl 3 weeks, we are working out together at

Customer Question

Hi, I have dated a girl for around 3 weeks, we are working out together at the gym almost everyday, she is accepting to going out with me most of the time, we've slept together 3 times but she is very cold on love I mean she doesn't want really serious relationship or I really can not understand what she wants, also I was going too strong with her I think I was chasing her alot.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.


I'm Dr. Jackie, an interpersonal communication researcher/professor and relationship expert. And I definitely want to help. But I'm not really sure what your question is. Can you clarify? Are you seeking recommendations on what to do next? Or if you should back off? Or what you think is going on with her? If you can specifically narrow down your concern(s), I can better help you. :)


--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I just wanna know what is going on with her and what to do next?
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.


Since you have only known her for 3 weeks, it's a little soon to tell if she is just moving cautiously or if she truly does not want a serious relationship right now. If you say she is "cold on love," what has she told you? At this point, you kind of have to believe what she says because you have no reason not to, yes? So if you really like her, talk to her and tell her you like the gym time and you like going out and you like the physical intimacy. So be honest and tell her you would like to be in a relationship if that is what you want (it seems like it) and see if she is perhaps amenable to it. If she is not and yet she does seem compatible with you, then ask her if something happened that has made her NOT want to be in a relationship.

In short, especially in the beginning stages of a relationship, you don't have a lot of information on the other person in terms of what "makes them tick," or what motivates them. So you have to ask and probe if you want to know.

What do you think about this? I'll also send you my phone and Skype info via the JUST ANSWER form so that you have that if you ever want to use it.

--Dr. Jackie

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I told her i want aliitile bit serious realtionship and she told me that she is just careful with new people so my question is should I back off or stay with her, I think I love her but I don't want get hurt.she seems like to spend time with me, like last time she left her friend at the bar alone and came to my place when I asked her.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 1 year ago.


Thanks for following up so quickly. I wish I had the magical answer for you; but the reality is, you have to decide for yourself what you are willing to risk. In other words, think of a see-saw. Everyone just starting in a romantic relationship is on one of these. And on one side is the love and feelings for the other person. On the other side is the vulnerability/risk/fear of getting hurt. And in the behavioral sciences, we actually term this decision/risk or whatever you want to call it as the "Tolerance of Vulnerability." In other words, what is your threshold, or tolerance level? Which side seems to weigh more--your love/feelings for her or your fear of getting hurt? And honestly, it really is like this see-saw where you have to figure out how much "hurt" or possible pain you are willing to risk to try to have a relationship with her. And unfortunately, I can't answer that for you. You have to decide what the risk is worth.

Life is like this in any big decision, including love. If you take the promotion, will the work load be so much that your performance will plummet and you will risk losing your job? If you get a job offer in another state, will you be willing to move away from family and friends? Etc. So unfortunately, I don't have the answer for you--you have to answer that. Many literary figures from centuries ago would say that love is worth it. To paraphrase a common quote, "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all" (Alfred Lord Tennyson, C 1800s). Of course, we wonder if that was just poetic or if he had experienced that. :-)

Does that help at least put things into perspective to make a decision? Please let me know.

==Dr. Jackie

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