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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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I'm 54 and and my girlfriend was 42. We dated a couple of

Customer Question

I'm 54 and and my girlfriend was 42. We dated a couple of months and I believe that I fell in love with her. She broke up with me about a month ago. We were having a few problems but feel that her breaking up with me was very sudden and she never gave me any closure as to why. She just went No Contact after breaking up with me over text message. I have reason to believe that she may have some BPD or NPD traits. I got a bit needy after the break up trying to get answers. But, I have not tried to contact her for 2 weeks. I want to try and reconcile with her. I just don't know the right way to go about it.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
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Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice in a Q&A format. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area. Please note that anything said here is not private or confidential, as this is a public forum.

Hello and thank you for your question. May I ask, do you have any contact with a mutual friend or possibly family member to give you an idea of why she broke up with you? Also does she has a turbulent relationship history where she has broken up with others like this before?

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Hi,
I do not have contact w/any of her friends or famlly members. I know she had a difficult childhood. Alchoholic father, mother left the father and kids. I know she had to live with her gradparents for a year.It's kind of invloved. There were a number of red flags. She was very sexual. We had sex the first night we met(red flag) her suggestion. The sex was intense. I can go into other details later. I just know that I may have been getting a little insecure because she had shared information with me about some of her past sexual expaeinces w/a couple/few married men which she said was because she did not have to get close to them. It all really want down hill after a Friday night that I had hoped we would spend together(we had not made a date yet though, she told me the weekend before she was going out with her girlfriend on that Friday). She told me she would text me throughout the night to keep in touch. I got one text early in the evening then nothing. So, around 11:30pm I texted her saying that I was dissapointed I had not heard from her. She did yext back but was a little sacarsitic saying she is going to a bar with her girlfriend. I did not answer her back. But, we taliked the next morning and had a heated discussion. She said she stayed overnight at her GF's house and they did some coke til 5am.
I was very disappointed. We did resolve the conflict(I guess) and we did get together that evening(Sat Night). The next few days she seemed a littttle elusive. We got together that Tuesday eve. I shared with her that I was developing serious feelings for her. She just kind of giggled and did not reciprocate the feelings. The next day I texted her and said that I felt a bit foolish comminicationg my feelings with no reciprocation. She sent me a text an hour later breaking up with me. I'm leaving out a lot of details because too much to type.
. . .
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I am very sorry that you had to experience this, I can tell that you were frustrated and distressed by her behavior given how you feel about her. Because she has not contacted you at all and has not reciprocated any forms of contact you have made, I would say that there is a low chance she will contact you and even if she does, she probably is not ready for any serious relationship at this point in her life. If you really want to make an attempt to contact her I would recommend that you write her a letter detailing how much you had a great time with her and how much fun you had with her while you were together. Try to avoid getting too serious in the letter as that is possibly what made her feel overwhelmed before and led to the break up. You also do not want to apologize for your insecurity issues that you mentioned as that can be interpreted wrong on her end. Try to talk about the good times you both shared and how you were looking forward to more good times as well, and then leave the letter that if she ever wants to contact you about anything she can call or text you anytime. This will put the "ball" in her court to try to contact you when she is ready, if that is what she wants to do. In the mean time though, i would highly recommend that you move forward with your life and not wait for her because there is no guarantee that she will contact you and when you are ready I would encourage you to start dating other people again.

I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.

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Customer: replied 1 year ago.
I don't know how turbulent her oher relaionships were. She was divorced 1 yer and had a 6yo and 4 yo daughters. She did tell me that she once received a note in her mailbx sayinfg what a terrible person she was and all the neighbors know she was a bad person. She initially thougt the note came from a married guy she had sex with but later she suspected her husband did it.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Her divorce definitely does not sound good, but it does not necessarily point to a history of turbulent relationships.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

I hope this answers your questions and gives you some guidance on this issue. Please let me know if you have any questions or concerns as I am happy to assist and support you regarding this issue.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating before you sign off. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Well, we did agree that we both wanted an exclusive relationship at the time. But, maybe she was just saying that.So, in the letter, I should stay away from any appologies etc.?
See, I think I may have made things worse in 2 ways. 1. When I got frustrated with her actions I did suggest that maybe we were not on the same page and that maybe we should break up. This could have been the exact wrong thing to do if she has abandonment issues(I'm kicking myself). And I got needy trying to save the relationship after she broke it off. So, in the letter, should I stay away from any suggestions that I screwed up and have since made corrections within myself?Or, just totally keep it light and fun? Maybe suggesting me taking her to dinnner?
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Thank you for your further response. I meant that you should not apologize for the insecurity or needy part as you described it as that may backfire for you. You can try to tell her that you did not mean you wanted to break-up, you just wanted to try to get on the same page and that what you said came out wrong. That you can apologize for not communicating more effectively with her. Try to keep it fun in the letter since that is something she appears driven to as she likes fun and instant gratification, so remind her of the fun you shared and how much more fun you could have in the future together. You want to recommend meeting for coffee, lunch, or dinner, but again leave it to her to contact you when she is ready as you do not want to pressure her and you want her to go to you when she is ready, if that is what she wants.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating before you sign off. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Should I stay away from telling her that I felt we had great chemistry together and I miss her. Or, will that seem to heavy?Also, on your previous point: "You can try to tell her that you did not mean you wanted to break-up, you just wanted to try to get on the same page and that what you said came out wrong. That you can apologize for not communicating more effectively with her" how should I word that? When I talked about breaking up it was the Saturday morning before the Wednesday that she broke up over text message. I keep wondering if I blew it with her.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

Do not mention the miss her part, but you can mention the good chemistry. Wording this is going to be up to you as I will not micromanage your letter, it has to come from your words and not mine if it is going to be truthful and from the heart.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating before you sign off. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.

Customer: replied 1 year ago.
Okay, I was hoping to get some help with the wording. I'm concerned that she may have some abandonment issues and may have some NPD/BPD traits. So, I'm thinking she may be done wth me but maybe I have a tiny window of a chance. So, I don't want to mess up maybe the last chance that I have to get this right.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 1 year ago.

You have to use your own words if it is going to be real, just be honest with her and and express how much of a good time and chemistry you shared with her. You can apologize for intercommunicating your concerns or reacting impulsively, but still focus on the good times. Remember though you are only in control of your actions and behaviors, so you can say everything perfectly in the letter, but the decision is hers alone if she wants to respond positively or not.

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating before you sign off. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.

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