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Dr. Z
Dr. Z, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 10643
Experience:  I have a doctoral degree in psychology and have a history of providing couple's and family therapy.
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I discovered the man I was having a casual sex relationship

Customer Question

I discovered the man I was having a casual sex relationship with is in a long term relationship with someone in my own social circle. I don't know her personally but we share friends. He just proposed to her, which will get her financially and otherwise legally wrapped up with him. He's a chronic philanderer--- I'm not the only other woman. I feel like I should say something but I don't know if it's my business to or if the backlash will be too much.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.

*This website DOES NOT constitute treatment and only provides information and advice. For treatment (therapy and/or medications) you must go to a licensed professional in your area.

Hello and thank you for your question. I can definitely understand the position you are in and how difficult this is for you. I obviously cannot tell you what to do, but if you feel that by telling this other woman of this man's affairs will benefit her in the long run and that you are not doing it as a form of vengeance against him than you should consider telling her as your information may help to protect this other woman. In terms of backlash, are you worried about what he will do or what she will do because you said that she is in your social circle although you do not know her personally, so any backlash from her would probably be limited. Also his backlash will end this casual relationship, but it was pretty much going to end now that you realize his intentions with this other woman too, so I just want to know if there is any other sources of backlash that you have not described yet that I am missing

But overall I think it would be appropriate for you to tell this woman if you want to help her and are not doing it to get back at this other man because then you would be doing this for the right reasons.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
The casual relationship I was having has been over since I found out months ago. Other backlash would involve losing any mutual friends we have, gossip and damage to my reputation, and possible threat from him. I feel like this man has put me in a her vs me position. Of course I want him to hurt some. That is only natural. If not for his proposal to her, I'd probably be able to walk away.
Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.

I understand the difficulty here. Like I said before the decision is of course up to you and if you feel like you would not have any guilt of withholding this information from this other woman (assuming she does not already know about this man's affairs) than you may not want to say anything. But if you feel like you will have guilt and that you want to help this other woman than may be you should consider telling her. Also you have to balance out what is more important too, your friends (at least some of your friends) and reputation or telling this woman the truth. I can see where this is more of a downside for you on an individual and selfish level because of the potential backlash, but like I said it depends on what you value more and if you think you may have any guilt or not from not telling this other woman.

Expert:  Dr. Z replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I noticed that you viewed my answer and I was checking in to see if you have any further questions or concerns that you would like me to address on this issue?

*Please do not forget to leave a positive rating before you sign off. Thank you, ***** ***** appreciate it.