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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago, we were

Customer Question

My girlfriend broke up with me 2 months ago , we were together for 3 1/2 years. Last year we hit a bad spot in our relationship and I cheated on her. We fought for a month after the infidelity, I promised I would be better. After a a week we separated , I moved to Florida for work and she moved to Dallas for training. We have been apart since October 2014 and have seen each other occasionally but tried to maintain our relationship long distance. She has trust issues and I don't blame her so the long distance relationship was hard . Two months ago she ended our relationship because I didn't call her for 5 days after she accused me of something I didn't do, I was hurt. It is now Almost October and I just moved back to Florida for work, she lives 10 minutes down the road from me . I am trying my best to fix the relationship, everyone tells me to give her space but the truth is we have had too much space for a year and I am here now and we could actually be able to fix this. Am I wrong ? She told me she still wants to be friends, it is a bit uncomfortable because I don't want to ruin us getting back together . She said she hasn't been single since she was 18 but she does have hope we will be together again. She is self destructive since we broke up, binge drinking, not eating and having thoughts that de might put into action that are just not good for her . We have plans to hang out and we have been having a good time when we do see each other and the more we hang out together the more she goes from saying she just wants to be friends to , she is confused. It is hard to see the big picture because my emotions are involved . Any advice ?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
She keeps telling me now is not a good time and she wants me to see a therapist for things that have gone on in my childhood. She also has things that have not been fixed but I am not telling her to do anything. When we talk or text it is strictly platonic. When I try to advance she rejects me . She says she loves me and she thinks she is still in love with me but she is not sure
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 2 years ago.

Hello, I'm Alicia. Thanks for your question, I'm happy to help you today. I can understand how you both are feeling about this, and there are obviously a lot of emotions involved on both sides. I can also understand the reasons that everyone tells you to give her space and yet it feels to you like you've had more than enough space. It sounds to me, despite the infidelity, that you had (and still have) a strong connection. She still wants you in her life but it still seems like she's not exactly sure in what context she wants that to be. I do have hope that you can work this out and eventually get back together but I do think that it's going to take some time, patience and hard work. I think for the moment, the best thing for you to do is hang out with her and have a good time without focusing on anything too serious or getting too involved with intense emotions too quickly. Just enjoy each other's company and try to remember what you both liked about each other and being together in the first place, before the cheating and difficult times occurred in your relationship. And try to treat her that way -- just appreciate her for who she is and try to relax and have fun. Do fun things together and enjoy each other's company and the rest should take care of itself. If you focus too much on "repairing" things from the past then I fear that your relationship (in whatever context it is) will stay stuck in the past. She already has said that she hopes you'll be together again, so that's obviously a positive sign. I think that seeing a therapist might be a good idea (almost everyone has issues from their childhoods, so trying to work them out can only reap positive results for your personal life and your relationships), if you are open to that idea. Don't advance too quickly and just follow her lead in terms of the emotional closeness -- invite her to hang out without there being any pressure involved. In time, if things are meant to be and you can show her that you are willing to let her set the pace (which is basically what she seems to be asking for) then I think things have a good chance of working out. And if there are still issues between you and you do get back together, you can always consider couples counseling. I wish you all the best.