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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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I have had a distance relationship with a girl a year now,

Customer Question

i have had a long distance relationship with a girl for over a year now , she still lives with her ex,we will be having a nice conversation and then her ex will come in and she always hangs up,am i being paranoid or am i just an idiot who is being played, she claims he will be violent, i have offered her to meet one another and there always seems to be a reason,or she will find a reason to pick a fight, i think she is being honest with me ,however it is very confusing when we are having such a nice talk and then, she is gone,meaning she hangs up,it really confuses me,sometimes it makes me feel like she is still with him, like if i told my friends or family she was living with her ex what would they think,i think they would say exactly what i am thinking,so i havent told them about her ex situation, if someone could give me an honest opinion it wont hurt my feelings, not being able to tell my friends and family makes it hard to sort all of this out, i really do think she cares about me,we have had long and meaningful conversations, and she has told me things about herself ,that if she didnt truely care ,i dont think she would have shared with me , or let me in to that part of her life, i hope this all makes sense and you can possible see something i am not seeing , or at least give me an honest opinion,or at least an opinion other than my own , thank you
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 1 year ago.

Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for your question, I'm happy to help you today. I don't think you're being paranoid -- I think anyone would feel the same way if they were in your shoes, especially since she still lives with him. Obviously there must be extenuating circumstances (such as finances) that are causing her to still live with him, because it does sound like they have a very dysfunctional situation at the moment. I'm not sure if it is because she is still with him -- I think it's because he's controlling and perhaps abusive (it's hard for me to say for sure because I obviously don't know either of them but based on what you've said here it sounds like it could be the case) and if she's talking to you and he walks in, he might become jealous or angry or whatever -- and that causes her to hang up on you or otherwise leave the conversation just hanging. Which is of course, frustrating and concerning for you. I think she cares about you but she's just stuck between a rock and a hard place and doesn't know how to get out. I can't say how you should proceed, however -- staying in this long distance relationship with her while she's still living with him is going to be difficult for you (and her), unless she leaves and is able to move out on her own. But the ball is in her court on that one. You could talk about your feelings about this with her and see how it goes, but ultimately she's the one who's going to have to make the decision to leave. I wish you the best of luck.