Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
What you are describing is abuse. Your boyfriend is verbally and emotionally abusing you. You are right, this is not fighting. Fighting is a disagreement where both people air their sides and find a solution. It does not involve calling names, cursing at someone or blaming the other person for everything. Your boyfriend is blaming you and refusing to see his behavior as wrong.
It is very difficult to cope when you are caught in an abusive relationship. You want to hang on because you want it to be better between you. And you hold out hope because you still love him and believe he can be a better person. All of those feelings are understandable. And it is very easy to get caught in an abusive relationship and feel you cannot leave. Your self esteem is low and you feel there is nothing else out there for you because you have lost hope. But with the right support, it can get better.
The only way people do change is if they want to. And at this point, your boyfriend is not seeing what he is doing is wrong. And if he doesn't see how he is treating is wrong, he is not going to change. Not with where he is now. And it sounds like you have made as much effort as you can to make the relationship work. Yet he keeps hurting you and won't stop. And until he sees what he is doing is wrong, he won't stop.
The first step is to realize that if he is hurting you like he is, then you are in an abusive relationship. You do not deserve to be treated like he is treating you. You deserve better. Anytime you are feeling fearful, depressed and/or anxious about a relationship, it is a sign that you are in an abusive relationship. You should instead feel taken care of, loved and safe. But that is not what you feel with this man. And with the lack of respect, making you cry and continuing to blame you, you're needs are not being met. You may want to consider taking time off the relationship. Taking time to get away from the situation and think through what you want can help you decide how to proceed.
The second step in dealing with how you feel is to see a therapist. It is understandable that you don't want to rely on family and friends but keeping the abuse a secret is what helps your boyfriend control you and the relationship. So seeking out help with people you trust, including a therapist, can help a lot. You can try to ask if he will go (even though that would really help him) but most abusers do not see that they are the problem, so most refuse help. Talking to someone about what you feel can not only provide much needed support, but it can help you sort out your emotions so you are more clear on what you want and what you need. To find a therapist, talk with your doctor for a referral. Or you can search on line at http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php.
Also, consider learning more about abusive relationships and how they affect you. Here are some resources to help:
Should I Stay or Should I Go- Lundy Bancroft
Most of all, trust your gut feelings. If you feel depressed or upset around your boyfriend and cry a lot, that is a sign that something is wrong. Don't ignore those feelings. Get help and consider taking a break from the relationship. You deserve to be treated better.
I hope this has helped you,
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