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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3495
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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Everything we have talked about has gone smoothly so far

Customer Question

Hi, Everything we have talked about has gone smoothly so far with my bf. But the only big problem I'm having that is just driving me crazy inside and I'm not sure how to approach without putting pressure or upsetting him is my displeasure with our lack
of intimacy. My bf and I have sex maybe once every two weeks. That's not terrible but I tend to have a high sex drive. He knows that bc I told him that in the beginning. I feel like I'm always the Person initiating sex and often times he says it's too late
or he drank too much or he is too tired. The situation has to be perfect for him to want if. And when we do have sex, he doesn't try to please me. Now he is very affectionate and intimate with me in other ways like kissing and holding hands and communication
which I love but the sex is stale and after only a few months of dating I feel it should be at a all time high. Now this is sensitive to me not just because I have a high drive but also bc it's how I share my feelings and desires for a person. I want and desire
touch. And the more he turns me down the more disconnected I feel and honestly I feel rejected like he doesbt want me. It's also sensitive to me bc in my failed marriage in the past , we literally had no sex life and it destroyed us. I know myself. it's a
big deal and I find myself leaving his place when I see him feeling a void and like something is missing. It's making me sad. So sad that I want to walk away at times. And I know he hates discussing it bc it makes him feel like he isn't pleasing me and puts
too much pressure on it. So I really don't know what to do . I could ignore it but that doesn't seem fair to me either. Is it wrong of me to say my needs aren't being met?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

It is not wrong for you to feel as you do and put it out there to him at the right time. These discussions can be tricky and each person has different needs around this. You may have a higher sex drive than him, but you also need to feel loved and cared for both emotionally and sexually. I would speak to him, but not around the time of intimacy....a romantic dinner or quiet time together. I would ask him what he desires around intimacy between you and then share what you desire. I hear that you have spoken about it before but I believe not in the way I am suggesting. More as a way to get closer and find out what the other desires and how all needs can be met.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Thanks Jen. One thing he has said is that my mistakes with my ex and those choices has messed with his psyche making it difficult to perform on command. He has said it had affected the bedroom and that to please be patient with him. I'm trying to of course but it's sooo hard bc even though I know he cares for me I take it personal and I'm craving touch like crazy! But I think what he is saying makes sense.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I guess I'm just use to men always wanting sex
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 2 years ago.

we know you go go easy on yourself. He has let you know where things are so try and be patient and gentle and things will go ok.