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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3442
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My wife and I have been married eight years, together 10.

Customer Question

My wife and I have been married for almost eight years, together for almost 10. Over the years I have slowly wrecked my marriage. I have not shown her that I value or respect her. I have also belittled things that she was interested in, especially in the last year. I don't listen as I should and it has finally come to a head. There has been no infidelity from either of us. She has all but physically left me and I am desperate to repair our relationship but every time I try to talk about it I end up unintentionally putting the blame on her, I get emotional and things get worse. She says I am smothering her and she says she doesn't know if our relationship can be repaired. I love her more than anything, she is my best friend, I don't have many and its hard for me to make new ones, and she's the only person I have to talk to about anything. Over the years she has grown as a person, she is very into fitness right now and running, preparing to do an ultra run. She has a lot of friends that are into it as well and I am on the outside. She has also grown professionally where I haven't as much. I used to run with her often but dropped out of it. I am trying to get back into it in order to get closer to her as well as get in better shape. I am trying to change the way I have been towards her, she says, and I know it will take a while. One thing bothered me tonight. Every time she goes for a run I ask her how it was when she gets home and we end up talking about it for a few minutes. I went for a run on my own tonight and when I got home she didn't seem to care or be interested in how I did at all. Only after I brought it up did the talking start and even then it seemed like it was forced. I know I am probably reaping what I have sewn over the years but it is just concerning that it seems like she could have cared less about me trying to do her favorite activity. I afraid that I've already lost her.
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 1 year ago.

It sounds to me like she has disengaged and you are trying very hard and it could be a bit smothering. I think if you let her know simply that you are aware that you have hurt her and caused her pain and you desire to do things better and hope she can give you both that chance to repair things. I would also suggest some couples counseling so you have a safe place to talk about the issues. I hear that you want things as they were but forcing it and pushing her may only drive her away. Ask her if she wants the marriage and if so if she is willing to work on things together and in therapy. That will be your best avenue.

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