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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1693
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I've been dating 3 years we were serious and were going to

Customer Question

hi , i've been dating for almost 3 years we were serious and were going to marry but he felt all the pressure and he wasnt ready. after our break up we continued texting he used to tell me where he is and that he still loves me hoping that his project will work to commit but it didnt. all of a sudden he changed and started dating the opposite 10years younger which he did not confess and told me just friends nothing happened. we decided no contact rule and that after a month we talk i was ok with it after 10 days i text him to see ow he is doing and i told him that i saw him with his friends along with his girl he thought i was lying and told me just friends and we will talk after a month. im still inlove with him how to get him back
Submitted: 1 year ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 1 year ago.
y no one is answering?
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 1 year ago.
I don't know why nobody is answering. I don't know about cultural conditions at present in Lebanon. but in USA most men under 30 are very hesitant about getting married, because they are worried about the financial obligations in an age when their earning futures are very uncertain. despite the natural momentum that dating for over 2 years develops, at around 3 years the chemistry of passionate love begins to reduce, so one or both partners can have less motivation to marry. (This is an unforeseen damage to developing love relationships that sexual freedom can bring about: If a guy can have all the sexual excitement he wants (tho I'm not pretending that I know anything about your own couple-habits, so this could be an inappropriate idea) for 2-3 years without getting married, he can discover that his passion is waning--and "new love replaces old love."
You seem to think your exBF is trying to keep you from giving up on him by lying about his new playmate--and he IS probably not very seriously in love with her yet, because his INTIMACY with her probably doesn't come close to matching what he has had with you.
But research in USA has found that people are actually more likely to get married when their family, peer group and social class all come together to indicate that "the time is ripe" that when their chemistry-of-love with one partner reaches its peak of intensity. BOTH factors, both timetables play a role in the decision to get married, and financial worries--and the typical fears for one or both sexes about the "end of youth(freedom)" and the beginning of (endless) adult moral responsibilities, which might be more burdensome for young men than for young women, whose freedom from moral standards for their behavior is probably much more limited even before marriage than men's.
So you want to know how you can get him back?
I suggest first that you tell me his age, and yours, and what you know about the social customs for people like him regarding these factors (family, peer group, level of social standing, financial stability and prospects for increasing success, your cultural matching and/or differences) his goals in life and yours. Figure out how well your timetable for marriage matches his--given that once 3 years of courtship have happened, passion could be dying down for him, even though your passionate feelings aren't your main motivation anyway.
There are at least 2 ways to exert emotional or psychic force toward getting him to want you back, but they are risky. The overt way is to let him know when his month is up that you're not going to wait and suffer humiliation from his playboy courtship with a younger girl. But you're taking away his bachelor-freedom if you say that. So you're better off waiting until he has his first disappointment with the young one and having some public enjoyment with a "good friend" of your own.
The other method is covert, by using psychic influence. Basically creating active fantasies with him in them and feeling drawn to you like two magnets and sharing intimate moments, including physical stuff that you have shared many times before. But doing mental imagery like that will have more effect on you than it does on him; and when you draw a man in by sneaking in under his conscious radar, you could bring an unwilling prisoner into your intimacy, and both of you would have to pay for it later.
So be sure you evaluate his timetable for marriage before you just act from being in the grip of love that is INTENSIFIED by the imminent threat of loss. So you want to use power tactics to save yourself by bringing him back in whether he's ready to come or not. If he really IS rapidly approaching his time to get married (on more than one timetable), then his first disappointment from her, and/or his first twinge of jealousy or fear of losing you could seal the deal.

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