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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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I was involved with a man months. He is an avoidant and I am

Customer Question

I was involved with a man for 8 months. He is an avoidant and I am a love addict. I engulfed him. He told me he did not have feelings for me as I did for him. We had our bad moments. How can I realistically get him back? Will he eventually miss me with no contact?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, and thank you for requesting my help.
It sounds like you are doing all you can to try to make your feelings known to your boyfriend, but he seems to avoid being involved deeply in your relationship. If you feel you are a love addict, that could factor in to why your boyfriend is backing off. If he tends to avoid close relationships, then your behavior will make him back off even more, not because of you but because of his own issues.
Sometimes people avoid relationships because of past issues. It could be that your boyfriend was hurt in the past by someone else, or he witnessed abuse or difficulty with his parents or caregivers. Since most people only know the relationships they grew up with, they tend to take on the same beliefs and apply them to their own relationships. That could be why you are struggling with making your relationship work with your boyfriend. You are fighting against his past.
In order to get him back, it might be helpful if you listen to what he is saying and back off some. Not all the way, but try to not contact him directly for a while. However, that does not mean you stop trying. If you have the same friends, try communicating through them. Let your friends know you still care and hope he is ok. Also, wait a few weeks then send him a short, but very nice text. You can also send him a card or another small token of your affection. You don't want to overwhelm him, but something friendly and that conveys you care would not hurt. And it keeps him thinking of you.
Give this a few weeks. If you don't hear more from him, then you may want to try closer contact such as a phone call or even a visit such as an invite for coffee. See how he responds. If he has had some time to be alone, he should be ready for contact. But if he does not respond, you may need to try to move on and find a relationship with someone who is open to being in one. He simply may not be able to be in a relationship right now, or ever, especially if he has past issues he is not working out through therapy.
I hope this has helped you,
May I please request that if you find the service I provided helpful at all that you rate me with three or above? Your rating is the only way I am reimbursed for my answer. Thank you so much!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Posted by JustAnswer at customer's request) Hello. I would like to request the following Expert Service(s) from you: Live Phone Call. Let me know if you need more information, or send me the service offer(s) so we can proceed.
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Thank you for the request. However, I am not able to do live calls at this time. I would be happy to clarify any questions you have about your answer.
Thank you,