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I'm in a very difficult situation. It's really hard to even

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I'm in a very difficult...
I'm in a very difficult situation. It's really hard for me to even type this as its embarrassing. The story in a nut shell is i am in love with my boss. He is in love with me. We are both married with small children. Neither one of us want our situations to change bc of our kids. I am newly married and before i met my husband my boss and i had a physical relationship. His wife was involved and knew everything that was going on so all was good and no one was cheating. Once i met my now husband, we stopped. But feelings were already developed and now im in a very hard situation. So now all we do is talk about our feelings, flirt, and talk about how it would be if we were together. When i try to pull back and get some distance he just lays on the compliments and flirts and knows just what to say to pull me back in. I don't want to quit my job nor can i without taking a huge paycut as he is paying me generously. I can't afford to leave. I find myself physically hurting bc i so badly want to be with this person i can't have. We both feel like we are each other's soul mate which makes it that much harder. Its easier for him bc he's a man and is less emotional and can compartmentalize. I wear my feelings on my sleeve. We fight all the time bc of jealousy and out of frustration. I want to make our working relationship work but i don't know how to fall out of love with this man. I feel like that's the only way I'll be able to continue working there. Is literally effecting me in every aspect from physically to emotionally. Would love any kind of professional opinion on the subject other than I'm completely stupid and nuts.
Submitted: 2 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 18 minutes by:
8/11/2015
Counselor: Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist replied 2 years ago
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,207
Experience: Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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It may be possible to fall out of love with your boss, but only if you can change your existing passionate feelings into passionately NEGATIVE feelings--and that's not a good bet at all. But it's more likely that you'll need to take the pay cut, because he's using the money to keep you in his possession. One way to fall out of love is to explore your legal avenues to suing him for sexual harassment, since that's what he's doing, and perhaps his wife doesn't like it. How long did the prior physical relationship go on with his wife involved? Is it possible that THEY were using you to keep their marriage from breaking apart by giving him a way to have his stable marriage and "sow his wild oats" at the same time? Does his wife know he's still using you to keep himself excited?

You're actually NOT stupid or nuts at all. Love & sex are emotional powers that rationality can't squash at all.

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Customer reply replied 2 years ago
You have no idea how much your response means to me. Thank you. I actually tried to see a local therapist about this but he spent the entire hour wanting me to give him graphic details about our sexual encounters and i left feeling so creeped out that i just cried and cried. His advise was to push him for an affair. I couldn't believe my ears.
To answer your questions, the physical relationship lasted for about 6 months. The thought of them using me to excite their marriage has crossed my mind but i really feel like it was his way of being able to be with me without the guilt of cheating. I feel like he presented it to his wife in a way that made her believe it was just an exciting thing to do. Once she could tell we were developing feelings, she wanted him to stop. She has absolutely no idea that he still has feelings for me or how he talks to me at work. I'm sure she would be unhappy about it.
When i tell him i feel like he's just using me to get an ego boost or to get his emotional needs met he tells me I'm wrong. Here says since he's not promising me any future or having an affair then he's not using me. However then he tells me im his when I'm here at the office. That he is so happy to get to see me everyday. That no one has ever loved him like i do. He even tears up. I don't doubt he has feelings for me. He tells me he does. But can't act on them. So i dont know what I'm supposed to do with that. Then I'll come into work one day and he's all over me and flirting but then the next day is distant and nothing but professional. Its so confusing. When i ask what he wants from me he says he just wants us to come to work and enjoy each other while we're here. He says if this is the only way he can have me then that's what he'll take bc he couldn't stand not seeing me at all. Then i look like the pathetic puppy dog eating it all up until he acts cold again. I just want for once the ball to me in my court. I convince myself every night that I'm done with this but then as soon as i see him all of that goes out the window. Im too nice and i let people, especially men, walk all over me. Yesterday he insulted me and i snapped back so he got mad at me. He expects me to come apologize but i refuse. He says he was kidding but i know better. Now hes not talking to me and making things awkward and he knows its killing me. He knows exactly how to push my buttons. How can i get some control on this? How do i begin to stick up for myself without crossing a line that could get me fired? How do i get some peace for myself so i can stop thinking about him non stop? Why do you think he treats me this way if he loves me but sees how its destroying me? Thank you for saying I'm not nuts or stupid. I really feel that way or like im about to lose my sanity.
Counselor: Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist replied 2 years ago
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