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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Someone I dated told me to let m know when I will be in s

Customer Question

someone I dated told me to let him know when I will be in his town but once I told him he however tells me he will be out of town then. We just had a little fight right before this so this is probably an excuse. I am also suspecting the fight was rooted in he is just looking for a fling while I wanted more. What response should I send on his out of town "excuse"?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

What makes you think he is lying?

Customer: replied 2 years ago.

Because we just had some tension and we both knows. Initially I was thinking he might just want a fling and that is why he is not actively communicating. But then I am also thinking what if it is me being needy and therefore he backed off when he sensed me being needy?

But anyway what do you think I should respond? Please let me know soon.

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.

If he just wanted a fling then he would have met you. Unless he is afraid that you do want more and will get attached. In that case he does not want to hurt you. I would just respond with something like....too bad your out of town I did want to see you. Oh well maybe next time. Let me know if you are ever in my town.

This will show you did want to see him, but you are fine with it. Also, now it's up to hI'm to come to your town if he wants to see you.

Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Is there any way to know whether it is fling or it is more because I went needy. Now even I don't know which one is the case lol. We only had one date and is it time for him to open up more or I seem wanted more too soon?
But the thing is we didn't even exchange exact travel date so there might still be chance to see each other.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
The way to know is by the way he treated you before. His actions show this. Whether or not he just wanted a fling and nothing serious or if it was due to you being needy is hard to tell unless he told you something specific or showed hints. If he did not then what is important is to go from here and what you both want at the present time.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.

What kind of actions show it? The thing is we had a mixture of both: some interaction is like a date - we go out and had some conversation; some is a little fling like making out and some touches. He'd follow up the next day which is like a date but then he isn't continuing communicating much - which could either be it is not that necessary since we are long distance; or it could be not wanting to invest time if someone is just looking for a fling.

Also I think he backed off when I seems getting needy and obsessive, which is understandable. And part of it might cause him to say he will be out of town. Although I am not sure if he just want something casual which can cause him to back off as well.

Giving the fact that we didn't exchange exact travel dates(therefore there is still possibility to meet) and the neediness and possible casual play, how should I adjust the kind of response you mentioned earlier? Should I better start a new topic just to hopefully lower the tension, at least for now?

How would you feel or say if someone says things like this as an excuse?

Ps. Is it possible you could respond faster?