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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question
Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Been married 23 years together 28 years. Found out 9 months

Customer Question

Been married 23 years together 28 years. Found out 9 months ago that my husband has a major foot fetish. I also kind of knew he liked feet and legs but not to the point he looks at images online of just feet for hours. I have lost trust and have become very insecure over this. I had to have foot surgery also during this time and that sent me into a very deep depression. I have been working on that. But now everytime I come home I get sick to my stomach knowing he was online looking at that all day. Do I just except it and move on? Every man looks?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Hi, I had just written my answer and it got lost somehow. I will rewrite. I am sorry what is happening. I think the main issue is not the fetish itself, but the fact he never told you about it. I would discuss with him if he was always active with this fetish and why he has never told you about this. It may very well be that he always had it, but it was dormant and this is why he was not acting upon it until now. I believe if he was very active with this fetish then you would have known about it sooner. So he may have always had it, but was able to push it to the side. Of he is now active on it there may be something going on in his life, such as stress or etc that is causing him to act upon it. Sometimes one can not control things in their life, so they may use this as a way to escape. What matters most is if he is being unfaithful due to his fetish or engaging in acts with other women regarding their feet. This would not be acceptable, but if he is just looking at pictures online than that is different. It would then really be up to you to chose your battles as it is more of a personal decision. If you have a problem with him looking at pictures than that would need to be worked on together in order to see what resolutions you both can come to. But if there are other issues in the marriage that hold more weight than you may want to let this go and tackle the others. This would be up to you depending on your feelings. In regards ***** ***** every man looks. No not all, yes there are some that do, but there are also many that do not. Just like there are men that cheat and others that do not. No one is perfect and all men come with their own set of issues that need to be dealt with, but there are some that should not be negotiated, such as trust and respect. I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can be found further help.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
Just so you know more history. He has been active with this fetish his whole life. He has just keep it a secert to the major degree that he is obsessed with it for me. He is not cheating and is a wonderful husband. Our sex life is great also. I just I'm just very insercure and need to work on it. It does make me uncomfortable and the fact that learning that he gets off to just looking at feet has been very emotional for me. He wont change. We have had conversations already and fights already. Oh by they way I found out because he leave a porn on the computer so then I started looking at his history. That is how I decovered this. He feels that it has not changed him, but it has changed me and I should just be mature about it and grow up. Every man does it and it's normal. I understand that but i dont think its normal to be looking for hours. I know it wont stop and I'm trying to get over it but its very hard.
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
Thanks for explaining. You are right it is not normal to be looking for hours. He is in denial and acting as such because he wants you to accept it, so he does not need to change. This is a problem within him. It sounds as if he may have an addiction. But as you know the only way he will change is if he is willing and wants to and as you said he does not and will not. Unfortunately, this is left in your hands. Your options are to stay and accept or leave. The only other options is to plead with him to get professional help. Ask him to at least try it. I do not know your situation and if you would want to threaten him that you will leave if he does not stop. There are cases when individuals do that and the other starts to seek help to change. This is because sometimes one feels as if they will always have the other and there is not need to change since they will always be there, but when they see they are actually loosing the most important person in their life over something foolish they then wake up and seek help. That is an option for you to try, but it depends how aggressive you are willing to be in your approach. If you do not feel he will leave you and your have nothing to lose then you may want to consider these measures in order to take a chance on him changing. If this situation is making you miserable, feeling disrespected, and upset then it may be best to go that extra step to try to get him to see your view. Because worse that can happen is that he will not change, but if you do nothing then it will continue as such anyway, so you really have nothing to lose.