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Ask Jen Helant Your Own Question
Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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I need help with my relationship my partner and I have just

Customer Question

I need help with my relationship my partner and I have just reconciled after 1.5 years apart, We both have trust issues but he is controlling and constantly questions me, he also has a fetish a lift and carry one where he enjoys carrying me around half
naked and filming and uploading to u tube it disgusts me I've tried to enjoy it for him but it leaves me feeling used and cheap, he doesn't understand I'm also a child rape survivor and a perp is finally being bought to justice after 20 years which is causing
me flashbacks he doesn't understand this n tells me to get over it, we have three kids together I want to make it work I just feel lonely isolated used and nothing more then an object how do I get over this and do u think he could change
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
He also has a serious drug problem that he won't admit I'm scared if I leave he may do something serious to cause harm to himself
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 2 years ago.
I am so sorry about what has happened to you. As your husband he should be considerate of your feelings especially since what happened to you in the past. You have tried to do his fetish for him because you love him, but the same way he should be considering your feelings. The symptoms of what happened to you can not be just simply forgotten or gotten over. This needs to be worked on from within you possibly through therapy in order for you to be released of the grip and pain it has on your life. This is a process and not something that is simply done overnight.
Unfortunately, you can not change your husband. All you can do is your part and help encourage him to change. I would do this by letting him know how you feel and what you are going through as well as your memories, thoughts, and feelings. I would also educate him about individuals who were abused and it's consequences. Possibly provide him with some literature that he can also read. He can change, but this would really depend on how open and understanding he is. If he truly loves you he will try to consider your feelings and work through this to work with you to satisfy one another in a way that is acceptable you both of you.
I do not believe that you should ignore your feelings as they need to be acknowledged and worked on. In my opinion what he is asking you to do is beyond the realm of a marriage and you have every right to not oblige to this behavior.
Your feelings are real and nothing abnormal about them at all. He is advertising your private intimacy on you tube and that is definitely not something you should be forced to do. If you were to not want to have sex at all due to your past then I believe that would be something you could work on, but what he is requesting is way beyond your obligation as a wife and not acceptable of it is making you uncomfortable. The same way you try to make him happy he also needs to think about you and make you happy.
A relationship will only work when both parties work together as a team.
You added that you are afraid to leave as he may hurt himself. I understand your concern. However, if you want to leave then that is what you need to do. He is not your responsibility. Your well being needs to be priority in order to be there for your children. You can not put yourself in harms way in order to keep him out of harm. What you can do if you feel he is suicidal is to encourage him to get help or call places that may offer this type of help.
I wish you the very best and please let me know if I can be of further help.