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Martin
Martin, Engineer
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4956
Experience:  i'm 41 and i never stopped studying and experimenting
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I've been in a relationship past 8 months. I was always

Customer Question

I've been in a relationship for the past 8 months. I was always attracted to this man when we met socially, and i felt the attraction was mutual. We started texting when he had moved to another city for work, the connection we made was was a huge rush of emotions, we got eachother on an emotional and spiritual level. He moved back to see me a couple of times, before making the decision to pack his things in to his car and move back home to be with me. Left his job with no notice and assured me he could 'get a new job in a day'. He was dealing drugs to survive at this point.
He was staying with me when he moved back, and asked if he could move in - I said no, that it was too soon, and he hadn't found a steady job - he put the idea out there "would you support me?", I put my foot down and said no - he needed to sort his own life out - and i needed my own space to make sure my life and priorities were maintained.
He moved in with friends who had 2 little girls, both friends worked evenings and he was told he could live rent free if he babysitted the children overnight. This house was unplesant- the family had issues - and I ended up drawing the line and walking out when my man and the father of the girls smoked methamphetamine infront of me at the house. I wasn't going to sit around and condone that behaviour (i'm a social work student specializing in the drug and alcohol field). My boyfriend was devistated that I'd had such a strong reaction - told me that he'd never considered that methamphetamine use was a 'bad thing' before - and promised that he'd move out and never touch it again. To be fair to him, he followed through on both of those promises.
He then moved in with a friend, which was a more stable living situation - but had no job apart from a couple of casual jobs - which he didn't take seriously. I watched him be lazy, unmotivated, unemployed and start to get depressed. I understand the value of hard work and know how it contributes to one's overall wellbeing - I wasn't going to watch this cycle. I found a job opportunity for him at a company where my brother used to work - my brother earned good money here and had a great rapport with the boss. My boyfriend was afraid of me leaving if he didn't take the job, so he took it. What a disaster - he was lazy in the mornings and showed up whenever he wanted, saying that he 'prefered to act like a contractor', and was his own boss. I later discovered that he had been smoking pot at work with a workmate - and had on atleast one occassion taken acid at work. He got fired from this job.. ofcourse.
He decided to stop taking and selling drugs - and has managed both of these things - I'm proud of him and I think that's great.
Now he's back on welfare it seems he's back to being happy again - it seems to be default mode for him - he even said to me 'it's nice not to have to worry about money and not to have to go out working in the cold just to survive'.
This lack of work ethic, ambition and practicality causes me great anxiety - I find myself being really mean to him when he's happy, because on some level I want to bring him back down to earth. I'm a very creative and spiritual person, but also hardoworking and ambitious - I believe that hard work in itself is a reward - because things have so much more value when you know you've put effort in to them. I find his lack of ambition frustrating and anxiety provoking.
I got so frustrated because I helped him put a CV together - the CV had his old phone number on it (he got a new phone number becuase he wanted to stop associating with people who wanted drugs from him, I suggested he put his old SIM card in his phone to check whether or not any of the jobs he'd applied for had called him - He responded with excuses as to why he didn't want to do that. He claims he wont take a job earning less than $20/hour, because it's just not worth it when he can claim a benefit - and he refuses to work for anyone else. That would all be fine if he had goals and ambitions to get to that place - but he doesn't - he expects to get all of that with no effort.
He claims that at the moment he's working towards aligning with a career he really enjoys and can commit to, because he has a pattern of leaving jobs that are unfufilling. He thinks I don't understand this - I do - but we'd all love to have our head in the clouds all day - his feet are not on the ground. When I ask him about his plans and goals they are very vague and ill thought-out.
I've broken up with him because the practical side of the realtionship is really causing me to tear my hair out and be very anxious. It's such a shame because it's the most emotionally, sexually and spiritually fufilling relationship I've ever had. Have I made the wrong choice? any advice?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Martin replied 2 years ago.
Hi. You both seem too much appart. You like ordered things, he is an adventurous that like immediate reward. He was holding you down and in a way you were holding him back because i don't think he will get out of his mindset until he touch the bottom of the barrel and you prevented that event many time.
I think you made the right choice. In a relationship, both need to row in the same direction. "When I ask him about his plans and goals they are very vague and ill thought-out", i have a feeling that he is a bit like Max (Jamie Foxx) in this movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0369339/
He have a sabotage program in his mind that prevent him to acheive anything because he fear the possible failure, so he stay in the "easy zone". As long as he fail the Standford marchmallow experiment, he need to grow before to be on your level of expectation.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stanford_marshmallow_experiment