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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5824
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My names George, I have been in a relationship

Customer Question

Hi, my names George, I have been in a relationship for the past 6 years with this wonderful lady. Our relationship has reached the point where I'm ready to pop the almighty question of her being my wife. We have both finished school and working and ready to start a life together. Last year I happened to come accross my high school sweet heart who was my first love. Being the a first love, powerful memories resurfaced that I never knew were still there until I saw her. She still looked like the very day I met her while we were in school. We broke up after high school when I discovered she wasnt being entirely faithful.
When we met last year and exchanged numbers she told me how happy she was to see me and admitted to what happned in the past and before I knew it we began to chat more often and she slowly began to tel me that she still loves me . I told her Im already in a serious relationship and that we cant be together besides i still remember what she did to me back then. After a few months of resisting she finally stopped calling me and we moved on with our lives.
The problem is now that I think Im ready to propose to my girlfriend, I keep thinking about my last girlfriend, somehow i think i still love her lot and its really driving me insane because I feel like marrying my fiancee but something within me keeps holding me back. I held on proposing for the last 2 months because im confused. Had I not seen my ex I certainly wouldn't be feeling this way, I probably would have proposed long before now. I feel guitly because if I were to break with my girlfriend I would really devastate her and I dont want to hurt her at all so much so that I would rather marry if that were the only reason. I truely love both women, some how I dont know why Im struggling to make up mind. Im in big mess, my mind says I must be stupid to even think of breaking up after a 6 years relationship, my friends know her, my family knows her, everyone include her thinks everything is okay. Please I need you advice, Im still madly in love with my ex I must admit, how do i sort this out?
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
Seeing your ex triggered memories, which happens a lot when we have someone from our past suddenly appear. The only thing we can reference is what happened with that person in the past because we have no recent or current information to go on. But that can cause issues, just like the one you are experiencing.
When you think about your past, you are remembering something that happened a while ago, whether that is a year or 20 years. Memories tend to favor your feelings and not facts so what you may be remembering about your ex is the strong love you felt for her at the time. But what you don't recall as much is the pain she caused you when she was unfaithful. And that is where you need to focus your thoughts. You left her for a very good reason, she cheated. And it hurt you at least enough to make you end the relationship. That says it was important enough to you to stop seeing her. And it was never resolved, which means once the initial excitement of seeing her now wears off, you may experience some of those hurt feelings again. The issues with trust and infidelity happening again may also surface. That is where you need to focus your attention now. Remembering the bad can also help you see your ex in a more realistic way and help tamper some of the excitement you feel about seeing her again. Everything new seems good on the surface, but when you consider all angles, reality gives you a much better picture to go on when making such an important decision.
I hope this has helped you,
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