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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1704
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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It isn't my "ma" who is dying . it is me. and I am so

Customer Question

it isn't my "ma" who is dying . it is me. and I am so scared. when my dad died when I was 13 I was determined not to die as young as him. I went to all the well woman clinics smear tests etc etc.i don't know why I didn't go to the doctor when I felt faint.
it wasn't like me at all. now cos I didn't go I ma dying and don't know how to cope other than lay in bed and wait for it. I did go out to the theatre last nigh tand a meal afterwards. as I thought that would be my last opportunity. my worst nightmare is coming
true. I was a good headteacher and miss it a lot.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
I am so glad you went out! I know that was a great fear for you and very proud of you for pushing through that fear. I'm sure it wasn't easy to do. How did it go? I apologize in the beginning of our conversation before I thought you were saying your ma was dying but I understand it is you. How do you know that you are dying for sure? Has a doctor told you this or is your thoughts telling you this?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
hi Gia I was very very very silly becaseu when I felt faint ta my desk I took the deputy's head advice to walk in the fresh air. I should have rung the doctor I can't go back and put it right. I feel I have let my boys down.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
yes, a doctor did say I hadn't long. I have feare dmor ethne anything else dying young like my dad
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
the horrid thin gis that I was aperfectly healthy woman.. all I had to do was see th doctor when I felt faint and sort that out.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
my mum died a long time ago.
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
I so sorry you are going through this. Have you ever looked into support groups? Is your condition something like a hospice organization could be involved in? The reason I ask that is because hospice also has counseling to help with the final moments in life.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I can't cope with that because I keep thinkin gi am only 62 and ha d so much planned for my life and it is my own fault I am dying. if I ha d cancer I would think okay you drew a bad straw but when I know a simple visit to the doctor would have saved me I feel awful and full of regret and blame.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I hurts that my boys don't want to know me any more.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i feel that i could not have messed up more.
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
Can I ask what the medical issue is and how you know that the office visit would have changed the outcome? I know this has to be hard for you to deal with, especially when you don't have your boys there for you. Do you have a support system at all? Any other family or friends that you have to talk to?
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
apparently when I felt faint I should have seen a doctor. it is ironic because I was usually so good at seeing the doctor going about every aliment. I wish I ha dkept up that approach and seen the doctor this time too. because it was 15 years ago th doctors don't know now what the reading would have been . I may have needed a heart monitor or whatever. so I became ill because I hadn't been. the staff at the red lion are friendly and talk with me!!
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
I juts feel so silly that I didn't go. as I said I was a hypondriac and went for everything else.. I can't forgive myself for missing that opportunity to see the doctor. I should not have put faith in the deputy head and phoned the doctor like I normally would have done.that would have solve d the problem whatever it was. I was a fool. b ut acted so out of character as I was usually at the doctors for any aliment big or small.i should have kept to my goldn rule for going for everything.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i have myself to blame that i have lost everything. if i ha dgone to the doctor for feeling fain the would have done tests to fin dout why. it is a mystery to me why i didn't go when htta had always been my philosophy. so that i would keep healthy and be around for the boys as they only had me. i was so determined not to die young like dad and i am ... my worst nightmare that the boy should go through something similar to me.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i spent years going to well woman clinics etc and doing my best to be fit and then i blow it.i am so sad that all the vibes were for me having a lon g life like th e other women in our famly who lived into their 80's and 90's.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
i have this heavy feeling that i have really let my boys down all for the sake of one doctor's visit.
Expert:  therapist325 replied 2 years ago.
It sounds like you really need to work through the guilt and possible anger you have with yourself for not going to the Dr when you fell faint. Here is the reality though. Even if you would have went to the Dr. you may not have had any different experience. I personally faint quite often (at least once every other month). I have went to the Dr for it and have only been told it is from lower blood pressure. I have had this issue since I was young. It is so easy to beat ourselves up over what we should have or shouldn't have done. The reality is we don't know if that moment would have made a difference in what is to come or if that course would have dramatically changed life to where things would be different. What it does do is keep us from not living in the moment. We lose where we are right now and the things we could be doing. You mentioned your boys as a source of a lot of this guilt. Regardless of what has happened, reaching out to them may be something that may help you.
Customer: replied 2 years ago.
at least you had the common sense to go to the doctor and know why this happens to you. I only ha dthta one tim eof a few times of feeling faint. I guess if it had happened every month I would have gone to the doctor. but I should have gone whne it happene danyway to find out why. you are right about the guilt but I don't know how to work through it. for a simple phone call to the doctor I have lost everything if I ha dsorted out I would still be running my school and have a life. I love d life and am frightened that I am losing it. I was such ahypondriac that I can't think why I didn't go. you went . did you actually faint? I just felt faint but I should have gone. various people have said to me that they wouldn't have gone for a few times of feeling faint but others have said of course they would have gone.i think I am so angry because it was so out of character for me not to go about something. the losses have been great.. mor ethna one person should have, my brother is ill. he ha d ablood clt in his foot and thye have operate dto move it before it travelled to the heart. he will be okay thank goodness but I didn't even have the courage to take a taxi to go and see him in Watford today.i didn't go to my son's wedding because I was scare di would die on th eplane... he married in japan.if I had been sensible and gone to the doctor I would have seen him make his speech in japanesei think the basic question is why didn't I go when my policy was to go for everything.i can't solve it because it is too late. time goes in one direction only sadly.i ma os scared of dyin gsince my parents died. more than that I was scared of dying young and 62 is young.