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TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5823
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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My wife caught me watching porn. i promised her I would not

Customer Question

My wife caught me watching porn.
i promised her I would not do it again.Stupidly i did do it again and was caught again.
Obviously the trust bond that did exist between us has been severely fractured and my wife currently is very cool towards me, and expectedly so. i love my wife very dearly and this situation is making me mentally and physically sick. 0Help.
Submitted: 2 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 2 years ago.
Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.
People are often attracted to porn because it represents an escape from their worries and burdens. It is common to feel stressed but not be aware of how much. Escape is appealing. And men are attracted visually to females so the nature of watching porn is an extension of that desire. It can also signal a sexual issue, but that needs to be determined by a therapist.
Looking at porn is never a good idea in a relationship. It often makes the other spouse feel cheated on because you are being turned on sexually by an image that is not your wife, but someone else outside of the marriage. Any sexual feelings about another person, even if they are not in person, is demeaning to the relationship and to the other person. It says that the sex in the relationship is not enough and there needs to be something else. It can make your wife feel betrayed and you can lose trust in your marriage just as you described.
It can help to take a look at the stress level you experience in your daily life. There may be ways you are feeling stressed without being aware of it. If you have a job with a lot of responsibility, you and your family are busy with activities, there are issues with family or extended family and other stressors can add up. Without a way to express your feelings or get the stress out, you can be looking for something to give you relief.
The next step is to work on rebuilding trust with your wife. Start by being open and honest with her. Let her talk to you about her feelings as well and ask any questions she has of you. Then work on allowing her access to your computer including passwords. This allows you to be accountable and helps your wife regain her trust in you. This is only for a while until you can work with a counselor to help you both work on your marriage.
Also, self help can get you both started on rebuilding trust. Here are some resources to help get you started:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200203/how-can-you-learn-trust-again
http://www.ehow.com/how_2299231_learn-trust-again.html
The Courage to Trust: A Guide to Building Deep and Lasting Relationships by Cynthia Lynn Wall LCSW and Sue Patton Thoele
Building Trust: How To Get It! How To Keep It! by Hyler Bracey Ph.D.
Also, make an appointment to see a counselor either alone or together. There may be other reasons that you are not aware of that are causing how you feel. A counselor can help provide support and give you answers. It can also help your wife learn to trust you again if she sees you are making an effort to resolve this issue.
I hope this has helped you,
Kate
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